Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage
by Skyskater
Summary: If you want to get that special someone to look your way, this is the handbook for you. There's no REAL lemon, but many mentions of sex.
1. Being Subtle

**Because HGTHS is a current project that is estimated to last about four years, I have started another of my "infamous" humor-filled fictions.**

**Please, enjoy. Suggestions are appreciated! And...I kind of need them because I only have about four chapters planned out.**

**Reviews are nice! **

* * *

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 1**

**"Being subtle IS a good thing."**

When you're in love with someone, you're prepared to do freaking anything to win their attention. Like, oh. I don't know. Go out and drive a car with twenty other police cars in pursuit shooting at you. Yes. You'd be willing to do even that.

And if you're in love with an arrogant, stubborn, emotional blond that scarfs down bars of chocolate like his life depends on it, then...hey. You and me, we've got a lot in common. We should hang out sometime.

And you should bring an extra xBox controller. Mello threw my other one out the window.

* * *

Okay. Lesson one. To get that special person to look your way, you need to be subtle. And, contrary to popular belief, being subtle IS a good thing.

Now, by being subtle, I mean that you cannot do things like this:

You cannot walk in the house after a long day of throwing smoke grenades at people's houses, dropping your bags on the floor, hanging up your coat, and screaming, "Hey! LET'S HAVE SEX! GET DOWN ON THE FUCKING FLOOR!"

Yeah. Unless your entire goal is trying to get the other person to hate you and thus like you through reverse psychology, you'd be better off avoiding this.

Furthermore, if you want to play hard-to-get or whatever so the other person is more attracted to you, you would also be better off doing that in a very subtle way.

You should NOT, however, do something like this:

When your love walks in the room, sits down beside you, and you are playing Resident Evil 4, you should NOT ignore them.

Instead, you should say something like, "Oh, hey, Mello. How's it going?"

If he/she responds, you know you're doing a good job.

If he/she does not respond, it would be best for you to stop your game where it is, turn to them, look them in the eyes, and ask them what is wrong in a very sincere tone.

If this does not work and they do not respond to THAT, you should promptly retrieve a bar of chocolate for them, a tissue box, and a paper bag so that they can cry and rant and hyperventilate about how they were beaten by Near (your local evil genius) yet again. Pat them on the back and let them cry on you if need be.

If this happens frequently, then my gosh. We should totally meet up. You know. The whole suffering comforter thing and such.

* * *

**BAD EXAMPLES! :(**

Extreme badly examples of this lesson can be shown even in real life!

Let's take Light and Misa, for instance.

We can all agree that Misa is a total airhead who can't remember her own name, let alone what L's real name is.

And we can all agree that Light is totally gay for L. You know, the whole handcuffs thing and the whole "Yagami spelled backwards is 'I'm a gay.'" thing.

Alright.

So, Misa flinging herself onto Light and screaming, "Let me be your girlfriend!" was not the most subtle of moves.

Plus, Light's not straight anyway.

So it wouldn't have really mattered. But you get my point.

**ANOTHER BAD EXAMPLE! :(**

Yet another bad example of a not-very-subtle-at-all relationship was the one existing between Mikami and Light.

Okay. First of all, Mikami is seriously fucked up in the head. Who plans their day out to the second, anyway?

Second, Light is gay with L. Not Mikami, not Matsuda, not anybody but L!

Alrighty then.

So, the whole "Oh my God, it's God!" thing from Mikami was basically a not subtle at all scream of: "Kira, have sex with me! I am your most devoted follower!"

Something like that.

Or, this is more like what Mikami would say: "Kira, as I have become a devoted follower of your religion, I sincerely express the hope that you could find time in your busy schedule to copulate with me."

...

Anyway, you get the point. Light and Mikami is a big NO NO.

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**GOOD EXAMPLES! :)**

Let's take L and Light.

L acts really subtly towards furthering his relationship with Light, using methods such as the handcuffs ("I have to watch you at all times to make sure you're NOT Kira!").

Ohhh. That was subtle, L. Good one.

Because, by using this method and his great detective cover-up, L got to become closer and much more intimate with Light than he would ever have been had he not suggested this.

And that was what he really wanted all along.

The whole Kira thing was just a ruse to get Light to comply.

And guess what? It worked.

* * *

**PERFECT EXAMPLE!!!! :D**

Perhaps the only perfect example of this lesson is me and Mello.

Basically, Mello's whole "I want you to help me kidnap Takada, so you can drive the car" thing was really "Motorcycles are very dangerous, and I want you to drive in comfort" in disguise.

Mello is soooooo subtle.

Every second he thinks of me!

And I am subtle because whenever Mello walks into the room and sits down beside me and reaches for a controller, I switch the game to The Sims. He loves that game.

We ish the perfect example of being subtle!

* * *

Anyway, kids. If you want to attract the eyes of someone special, then the number one rule is to BE SUBTLE.

Otherwise, you'll never get anywhere.

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**Did you like it? Hate it? Please send feedback!**


	2. Valentine's Day

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 2**

**"What to get your love for Valentine's Day."**

Valentine's Day is probably one of the most celebrated holidays of lovers and couples around the world. And if you love someone, you want to make sure you get them something good for Valentine's Day. Right?

Well, I would certainly hope so.

Getting them things for V Day is essential to your relationship, because even if they tell you that they DON'T want you to get them a gift, in reality, they actually do. And if you follow their instructions and do NOT get them a gift, they will yell at you because you didn't get them a present even though they told you not to. Seriously. Some people are rather complicated.

But better be safe than sorry. Get them a gift for that day.

* * *

Some really classic ideas are to get your loved one flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, balloons, things like that. Make them breakfast, pamper them at home with a spa day complete with a hot oil treatment (not such a good idea if you're going to burn their eyebrows off, trust me), tell them how much you love them, etc.

Some things that you should NOT get them: food that they are allergic to, food that they hate, a gun with one bullet (because that implies something), or an iPod filled up with breakup songs. Because if you liked the songs only for their melody and not for the lyrics, they might think that you wanted to break up with them, when, in reality, that's not what you're trying to do.

Some things that you should NOT do for them on Valentine's Day include the following:

You should not act like it is a normal day. Ohhhh no. You never do that on Valentine's Day. Otherwise you might end up on the street in nothing but a pinafore that you didn't even know your lover owned.

You should not ignore them, because, well, that's just plain rude. Basically, what I mean by this is that you should not have your eyes glued to the screen of a television or other electronic device, because your eyes should be glued on them and them alone.

Furthermore, you should say loving and sweet things, such as, "You know, Mello, you're rather adorable," or "Mello, I love you to the sun and back," or even, "Mels, you're so beautiful...."

What do should not say are things like this, "Hey, Mello, can I have the keys to the car?" or "Mello, you mind running to the store to get me more smokes?" You should not ask favors of them on V Day, because that is a huge no no.

Also, AVOID WORDS WITH NEGATIVE CONNOTATIONS!!! Like this: "Mello, I love your scent," not "Mello, I love the stench you give off."

...I think you get my point. Scent has a good connotation and implies that your lover smells good, while stench has a bad connotation and implies that you think your lover smells horrible.

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**BAD EXAMPLES! :(**

This was not featured in the anime or the manga, but a horrible, horrible example of a Valentine's Day gift was Mikami's gift to Light.

Basically, I shall just say that one day Mikami came over to Light's house with a box full of sex toys. His mom answered the door.

...

Yeah.

Not to mention Mikami is one of the most hideous people on the face of the Earth, and...that's just sick. He's like, ten years older than Light!

**AN EVEN WORSE EXAMPLE!!! D:**

For Valentine's day, since Matsuda didn't get anything, Aizawa took it upon himself to get the poor kid something. Caring, right?

Except what the guy got Matsuda was a book titled: "Intuition for Dummies."

Now, that is horrible because Aizawa is basically saying that Matsuda has no intuition whatsoever, and that he needs a book to learn intuition.

Matsuda thanked Aizawa profusely, and then when he opened the book, he realized what Aizawa was implying.

Now, that was subtle of Aizawa, but in a very bad way.

Because he was implying that Matsuda needed to learn some intuition and that he was a dummy.

* * *

**A GOOD EXAMPLE! :)**

Now, ideally, I would have put me and Mello as the perfect example, but there is one other example of this lesson that outshone even us.

Anyway, for Valentine's Day, in the morning, I got up really early and went out to the store to get Mello some chocolate.

Just like a normal day, right?

Well, you thought WRONG.

I not only got Mello chocolate, I got him the FINEST chocolate they had in the store! Which, admittedly, put me out of at least two hundred bucks, but it was worth it when I saw Mello's face when he woke up.

God. That man is gorgeous.

* * *

**THE PERFECT EXAMPLE!!!! :D**

The perfect example was between L and Light.

For Valentine's Day, L gave Light a slice of cake.

And not just A slice of cake, but THE slice of cake. L gave Light his prized afternoon cheesecake slice with the strawberry on top and the chocolate syrup on the plate.

See, this was VERY selfless of L. Because we all know that L loves his cake to the ends of the earth, and for him to give Light his prized slice of cake, wow. That was just over the top.

* * *

If you have someone you like, a lover, or even a spouse, it's always a good idea to get them something for Valentine's Day.

And make sure that if you're tying in lessons 1 and 2, you have to make sure that the way you act subtle is in the GOOD way. Not in the bad way, like Aizawa and Matsuda.

Ideally, you would like to strive for the perfect example, but I highly doubt that anybody is so selfish about something that they're giving it up to the other person for a few moments would be extremely selfless.

If you cannot maintain a perfect example, then just head for a good example. That's perfectly fine as well.

But mark my words: You do NOT want to walk up to your lover's house (if you don't live together) with a box full of sex toys. You never know who could open the door.


	3. Sharing

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 3**

**"Sharing is caring."**

Do you remember, back in preschool or kindergarten, that the teachers taught you that sharing was caring? Uh, yeah. It actually is. Surprise, surprise. So if you were that class rebel and didn't listen to the teachers, it might be best for you to start sharing now.

And you must share willingly. If you don't, then...the other person will know. Somehow. Through some inner recess of their brain, their reluctance radar is beeping and screaming at them, "Matt doesn't really want to share with you!"

And then they feel guilty and left out. And you must comfort them - sincerely - and tell them that it's perfectly fine if they sit down with you and play Halo, even if they're completely bad at it and end up shooting you in the back almost every single time.

But, I mean, what's more important? Love or video games? Well, I would have picked video games, had Mello not come into my life. Now they're about equal.

I mean, waking up to Mello is absolutely fabulous, but there's just something extremely alluring about slaughtering terrorists in CounterStrike. It alleviates stress, and Mello alleviates...a different kind of stress.

Anyway. They're about the same. Although I'm leaning more toward Mello now because my computer recently got hijacked by fangirls sending me and Mello dozens of fan letters.

* * *

Basically, by sharing, I mean that you share things with your loved one that are not things that friends would normally share. I mean, in other words, since that might have been a bit hard to understand, you and your partner share things such as vehicles, food, money, etc. Well, I mean, roommates would share that, too, but there's just something special about couples sharing these things. Those are some of the more classic things that couples share.

Some NOT so traditional things that couples share: underwear (for boy/girl couples - just out of curiosity, how does a guy exactly wear a thong without busting it at the seams?), the shower/bed (unless you and your lover have already established that you are actually having sex and are completely comfortable with each other's bodies.)

Some things that couples should NEVER SHARE - Hygiene related things, such as toothbrushes. You do NOT share toothbrushes. Yes, you might kiss your partner, but you do NOT share their toothbrush. A toothbrush is off limits. Also, if your partner happens to be a girl (and how sorry I am for you! Women are such complicated creatures), you do NOT use their tampons to stop up nose bleeds. Even if it looked convincing in that movie She's The Man, don't do it. Otherwise, you will be walking around your apartment looking like a hideous, deformed walrus, and if someone sees you through a window and takes a picture of you, then...um. Hmm. That's prime blackmail material right there. And if it gets on the Internet, oh God. You might as well beg Light or Mikami to kill you already. Or stab yourself with a pen and hope you die of arterial bleed out.

Also, if your partner is a fashion freak, then you do not want to share clothes, either.

Now, you might be reluctant to share some of your things with your partner (video games, etc) but in the long run, it is completely worth it. Sharing things with your partner leads to a trusting give-and-take relationship, and eventually this G and T relationship will lead to much more exciting things of the physical sense. Or, if you didn't get a word of what I just said, SEX.

Sharing is a concept that should be extended to all people, but...well, it's extremely important if you are in a romantic relationship. And especially if you're involved in a romantic relationship with a woman. Because, like I said, women are complicated creatures. Like Misa and Takada.

"He's going to marry me!"

"Um, excuse me, girlfriend, he's gonna marry ME."

I don't get why they couldn't just trade him off. He can be married to you this year, and he can be married to me this year. Something like that.

That would be a lot of divorce papers to fill out though.

I mean, it's not like I disrespect women. I actually do respect them. In fact, I respect women so much, that I stay away from them as much as possible!

* * *

**BAD EXAMPLES! :(**

Now, Mikami has some serious issues. I think they're neurological.

But one day, Light had the ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT idea of creating the Kira trio of he, Mikami, and Misa. And he decided to introduce the two.

Anyway, Mikami got jealous because Misa made an offhand comment to Light, something along the lines of: "Oh, we should schedule the wedding for a Saturday..." and he whipped out his Death Note and proceeded to write Misa's name down in it.

Of course, Misa saw this, and proceeded to write down Mikami's name in Light's Death Note.

Except, of course, both of them were shaking so much with anger that it took them five tries to write each other's names down, and, well, apparently the Death Note is rendered useless if you can't freaking spell a person's name right within the first four tries.

Anyway, Mikami got so jealous of Misa that he had this heated whispered conversation with her in which I believe the phrase: "I will kill and eat your babies" was mentioned several times.

And then he departed.

...

O....kay.....

Anyway, Misa and Mikami didn't share Light. But...I mean, who would want to share anything with Mikami? Really. I wouldn't poke him with a twenty-foot pole, much less share something with him.

**ANOTHER BAD EXAMPLE! D:**

Now, in the previous lesson, do you remember how L and Light's relationship got chosen to be the perfect example of a Valentine's day gift? Yeah. Well, their relationship fails in the 'Sharing' category.

I think L must have been drunk off his ass or high out of his mind when he gave Light his slice of cake on V Day, because, well, after that incident, L reverted to his usual selfish being and refused to even share one eclair off his ginormous tray of sweets with Light later that month.

I'm serious. Apparently Near heard this huge argument between the two of them (apparently Light left the microphone on) that went something like this:

"But you hate strawberry eclairs, Ryuuzaki!"  
"No, Light-kun! Bad Light-kun! That is my strawberry eclair and I shall do it with it as I please!"  
"Ryuuzaki, give me the damn eclair!"  
"Light-kun, no! THAT IS MY ECLAIR!"

-moment of silence in which apparently several sounds of struggling were heard-

"RYUUZAKI! YOU BIT ME! WHAT THE FUCK!"  
"It is my eclair, Light-kun."

Uh, yeah. Sharing? I think not.

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**GOOD EXAMPLE! :)**

This report may or may not be accurate, as this is from Mello.

Apparently, he and Near actually used to share a lot of things back at Wammy's House. I wasn't affiliated with Mello or Near at the time of this; if I had been, I would have thought it rather suspicious.

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**THE PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

Of course, as me and Mello have a wonderful relationship, we are the only perfect example of sharing.

I mean, think about it.

We share a house, we share a bed, we share money, we share vehicles, we even share underwear!

Now, if that's not the most sharing relationship you can think of, then...uhhh...are you high?

Come to think of it, Mello hasn't given me back my Mario boxers yet.

I need to retrieve those.

But I suppose he's holding them hostage until I give him back his white cotton heart print boxers.

Oh well. Whatever.

* * *

Sharing is good!

"Sharing is caring." -Unknown quote

See you soon with more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	4. Five Golden Rules

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 4**

**"The Five Golden Rules of the Doting Partner."**

This is kind of like a mega lesson, the basic foundation of what one should do in order to make your partner happy.

These five mini lessons mainly apply to husbands, or the one that wears the pants in your relationship, but they can also apply to wives/the one who wears the dress in the relationship if they are the power maniacs in the family. By this, I mean the ones that stay out working all night and then come home for two hours and then go to work again.

Anyway, if you want to stabilize your relationship with your partner, you want to keep these five basic foundations in mind.

* * *

**Lesson 4A: "Get home by 8 p.m."**

Now, eight at night is already pretty late as it is, so ideally you would want to be home before that. But there are some guys that just have no choice in the matter. Like Matsuda. He's the poor guy that gets picked on and so has to stay super late at headquarters watching the cameras and everything because he's the pansy of the group. (By the way, if you DO have a choice in the matter, make sure that you never end up like Matsuda. NEVER.)

Now, if you get off work at 5 p.m., and you do other things and get home AFTER 8 p.m., that is a logical reason for having your partner throw you out of the house. You should always hurry home to your partner to make sure that they know you love them and care about them so much that you want to spend every moment of your time possible with them.

**GOOD EXAMPLE: **L and Light don't really have a home, basically they just stay at headquarters all the time, anyway, so they're always home before 8. See. That's a great example right there.

**BAD EXAMPLE: **We can all agree that Mikami has his day planned out to the nanosecond. If he arrives home a second later than 5:02 P.M., he shrinks to the floor, screams, and eliminates a whole other page of criminals because his perfect schedule has been upset. Because you arrive at home a second late does NOT mean you need to go and kill someone. Well, it's not even as though Mikami has a partner, anyway.

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**Lesson 4B: "Eat dinner with your family."**

If you don't have a family, then at least eat dinner with your partner every night. After work, don't go out and eat with your friends or whatever without calling your partner ahead of time to let them know that you're eating out tonight. Also, if you do do this, make sure that you invite them along. Otherwise they will feel lonely, depressed, and they might just do something drastic to your favorite electronic device of choice.

If you eat dinner with friends and you DON'T tell your partner about it, he/she will be sitting at home with a lovely dinner cooked, and they will sit there, and sit there, and sit there, and stare at the clock, and sit there some more, and when you FINALLY get home, they will throw steak knives at you. And possibly an entire roast pig, if they made that for dinner that night. Trust me. I've had it happen before.

**GOOD EXAMPLE: **Light tells his gang that he's going out to eat with Takada. Well, I mean, it's an entire scheme anyway to prove that he is innocent, and NOT Kira, but...besides that.

**BAD EXAMPLE: **L never eats anything that's NOT cake or cupcakes or eclairs or other sugary foods leading to congestive heart failure, so he never eats dinner with Light. And Light feels abused because of this, which caused him to do the whole triumphant secret smile thing over L's dead body. It was because he had finally gotten revenge for all those nights that L didn't eat dinner with him.

* * *

**Lesson 4C: "Say thanks to your partner for all that he/she does."**

Gratitude is a very important part of a relationship, because it shows that you are thankful for all your partner has done for you. Even if you don't like what they're doing for you, you should still thank them, because at least they tried (and failed) to please you.

Like when your partner is making you dinner. If it's something that you absolutely hate, you should still thank them anyway because they are making you food. Even if you absolutely despise what they are making - chocolate soup for me. I still thank Mello for it, though, so I don't hurt his feelings.

**GOOD EXAMPLE: **L thanks Watari for indulging his sugar appetite. Maybe Watari is involved in a diabolical plot to kill L through diabetes mellitus?

**BAD EXAMPLE: **Since L never eats anything except sugary processed foods, he never eats dinner with Light, and so never thanks Light for making dinner because he doesn't eat it. And this makes Light feel very abused, which is probably the source of the triumphant secret smile that he smiled over L's dead body when nobody else was looking. He got revenge for all those nights when L didn't eat dinner with him. I mean, a bit drastic, but you know, I guess you could argue that L kind of deserved...well, no. Not even then.

* * *

**Lesson 4D: "Call your partner by their name instead of saying 'you' or grunting at them."**

Names are a super duper important part of the relationship because it shows your partner that you actually know who they are, and that makes them a step higher than any prostitute or slut you might find on the street.

Well, I mean, they're already higher than a common slut or prostitute, but...whatever.

Anyway, names are important. If you call your partner 'you' or make grunts/noises of acknowledgement towards them whenever they enter the room, that shows that you might have forgotten their name and this will make them sad and hurt you in places you didn't even know you had. Oh, oh, and if you call them by the wrong name, especially during sex, oh damn. You might not be getting any for a WHILE, if not eternity.

**GOOD EXAMPLE: **I call Mello either Mello/Mel/Mels or Mihael. Mello's (and any variation of the aforementioned) for normal moods, and Mihael is for romantic moods. This shows that I acknowledge him by both his names. He calls me Matt/Matty for normal moods, and Mail for romantic/pissed off moods. More for pissed off moods than anything, though. But this shows that he accepts me for who I am either way he prefers to call me.

**BAD EXAMPLE: **Light never really got past calling L 'Ryuuzaki', which, as we all know now, is not L's real name. This is bad because couples should at least know each other's real names. I mean, L already knew Light's from the beginning. Anyway. I guess L had to be careful, as he suspected Light of being Kira and all that, but come on. What's better, love or life? That was a rhetorical question.

* * *

**Lesson 4E: "Look your partner in the eyes when talking to them."**

If you don't look your partner in the eyes while talking to them, they will assume that you are not really focused on them. This is horrible if your partner happens to be a girl and you happen to be staring at her chest. This is horrible if your partner is a guy and you happen to be staring at his ass or his crotch.

And either way, it's horrible if you focus in on some point over their left shoulder, because then that shows that you don't really care about the topic and you're not that serious about them. And that will break their heart.

**GOOD EXAMPLE: **I always look Mello in the eyes, even when I'm scared shitless because of something that I inadvertently said or did.

**BAD EXAMPLE: **Now, L did look Light in the eyes the first time they met, but saying something like this to someone who might be Kira/your worst nemesis isn't a good idea and definitely not a good way to start off a relationship. "Hey. Yagami Light. I'm L."

Yeah. Not good at all.

* * *

Anyway, these five basic rules make up the foundation of a having a good relationship with your partner. If you happen to break one of them at some point without realizing it, apologize to them profusely and make up for it in some way.

Personally, my way of making up with Mello (and this always works, trust me) is to clean the house and then lie on the bed, a bowl of chocolate sauce and some whipped cream on the side table, and wearing nothing but - I'll leave your dirty imaginations to think of what I might be wearing. Send your thoughts in with your review.

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	5. Personal Space

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 5 (Merci beaucoup to Addicted to Dreams for sending in suggestions! Please do send in suggestions!)**

**"Personal space: how to use it and how not to abuse it."**

* * *

Everybody has this invisible space bubble around them that designates their own personal space. Now, depending on who this person is, the bubble may be bigger or it might be smaller. For example, Misa's personal space bubble only extends to about five inches around her, while Mikami's personal space bubble probably has a freaking ten mile radius.

Well, I guess Mikami makes an exception for Light, though. You know, the whole "Worshipper of Kami" complex.

Most normal people's personal space bubbles are about five feet. However, you, as a partner to someone, are allowed in and out of their bubble without your motives being questioned. (Well, that is, if you don't have a "I'm going to rape you" glint in your eye.) And that's great! Because some people like having their partners in their personal space because it subtly creates a sense of security and love and all that good stuff.

However, you gotta know when to back off. If you don't get your ass out of their bubble when they don't want you there, then you might as well be raping them already. It's that big of a deal. If they don't want you near them, don't go near them. Give them time. It's always the best thing to do, unless you're a major masochist and like to annoy your partner so that you'll get punished in the bedroom or something, but that is just some freaky shit and we are not gonna go there in this lesson. For topics like that, I think it would be best if you consulted Mikami.

* * *

Sometimes, your lover will want you close to them to cuddle or something like that if they're having a bad day. And that's great. However, you've also got to be able to read the hints. If they're looking at you with a longing look in their eyes, they probably want you to hug them.

By being close to a person, this means that you are being GENTLE. You are not crushing them in a rib-breaking bear hug, and you are not raping them in any way, sense, or form that you can think of. Being gentle means soft hugging and stroking their hair and stuff like that. If you don't know what cuddling looks like, go purchase The Sims, make two Sims fall in love, and then choose the action Cuddle. See, you CAN learn from video games! Mello doesn't believe in this philosophy, but, whatever. Those mafia leaders, you know. So narrow-minded.

However, if your lover is having a bad day and they do NOT want to be cuddled, then do not cuddle them. Because this will only annoy them even more and you'd probably end up with an elbow in your stomach. If your lover is looking at you with pissed off eyes/not looking at you at all but glancing around the room with pissed off eyes, then it would be best for you not to go near them. Or, if you absolutely cannot resist, retrieve a chocolate bar as insurance first and make sure you've got your phone handy. Just in case you need to call an ambulance. Actually, it would probably be best to have your local hospital on speed dial in the event of an emergency and in the event that your lover happens to be a complete bitch after a horrible day in which they do not want pity when they get home.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not calling Mello a bitch. But I will say that all those years in the mafia sure made him strong. I think he ruptured my spleen a few weeks ago...it still hurts.

And also, it is perfectly okay to want to cuddle with your lover after they get home from work, even if they're sending off pheromones of "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME." Those are natural instincts. But please, tone down your natural instincts on these days unless you are prepared to suffer the consequences.

* * *

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

You know the whole scene where Misa practically attacked Light? She like, jumped on him in the middle of the street or something like that.

Yeah. Light clearly did not want that, because first of all, he's gay, and second of all, he was struggling against her, which showed that he didn't like it and didn't want her to be in his personal space bubble. But Misa, being oblivious, didn't pick up on this and instead continued to invade his personal space.

**ANOTHER BAD EXAMPLE! D:**

The first time that L and Light met, they did not hit it off, sufficient to say. It was only until L stopped acting so freaking weird that Light finally relaxed and decided to be gay with him. Okay. The first time they met was at Todou University, and L was all, "Hey. Yagami Light. I'm L." Now, I don't know if I'm the only one noticing this, but did you see how close together their bodies were when L dropped this news? Uh, yeah. WAAAYYYY inside the bubble, L. Poor Light. His bubble is getting abused by everybody.

* * *

**GOOD EXAMPLE! :)**

I didn't think it was possible for a couple to be in both the good and bad examples, but apparently it is. Well, do you guys remember that one part after L and Light came in from the rain and Light was all, "Oh, Ryuuzaki, let me dry your hair," and Ryuuzaki was all, "Oh, Light, let me dry your feet." scene? Anwyay, they were both in each other's bubbles at the time and they both appeared comfortable with each other. Far too comfortable for just friends. And damn it. It's too bad Death Note didn't go yaoi, because if it had, then Mello and I would have been able to come out of the closet without him getting laughed at by his mafia cohorts and without me getting SHOT at by his mafia cohorts.

* * *

**PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

Mello and I respect each other's personal bubbles at all times, unless, of course, one of us makes a blatant request or one of us is making a subtle request. The blatant request is more usually Mello: "Hey, Matt, get your ass over here and hug me." while the subtle request is more usually me. Mello always falls for the puppy dog eyes.

* * *

Anyway, a personal space bubble might be invisible, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist!

You need to make sure that you respect your partner's bubble at all times, unless they are asking you, blatantly or subtly, to invade their bubble. In which case, it is perfectly okay.

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	6. Household Responsibilities

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 6**

**"Sharing household responsibilities."**

* * *

This kind of ties in to lesson 3, because sharing extends all the way to household responsibilities and chores. If one person in the relationship is doing all the chores while the other person is sitting on their ass all day watching porn on demand, then...you probably don't have a very stable relationship. Now, I mean, there are those kinds of relationships with the master and the pet complex, but once again, that's some freaky shit, and if you want to read about freaky shit, please contact Mikami at 1-800-FREAKYSHIT. I'm sure he'll answer at any time between 6 a.m. and 9 p.m.

Anyhow, sharing household responsibilities is important because that shows that both of you have an active role in the relationship, instead of one of you being the housewife and the other one of you being the lazy husband.

Not to mention that your partner will be very happy if he/she doesn't have to do all the chores.

* * *

See, what I mean by sharing responsibilities is that you divvy up the chores to do around the house. I'm not saying that the number of chores has to be equal, I'm just saying that you should take responsibility for some of the chores and your partner should also take responsibility for the chores. You know what they say, "With great love comes great responsibility." Except I don't think that Spiderman would ever have said that, because Mary Jane and he will never be together. Tragic romance.

Okay. Anyway. What was I talking about?

Oh yeah. So if you and your partner split up the chores around the house, it'll make your relationship much more stable and put you on equal levels.

You would also want to make sure that the chores you take are chores that you are GOOD at and can do without screwing up. For example, dishwashing and doing laundry is pretty generic, either of you could do that because it is DAMN hard to mess up with those. However, when talking about cooking and gardening, those actually require some skill, so whichever of you in the relationship is more talented/has experience with that particular area, then make sure that that person gets that specific chore. Because if you cook, for example, and you've never touched a skillet in your life, then be prepared to witness the wrath of your partner when they realize that you have fried an egg in a skillet. With the shell still on. Or the time that I microwaved a can of tuna in the microwave without taking the tuna out of the can...oh God. You should have seen Mello's face. His eyes were practically shooting sparks.

* * *

**BAD EXAMPLE! :(**

Now, Mello is the cook in our relationship, because, I, well, I microwave cans of tuna that are still in the can. He is only the cook in the relationship BECAUSE he is the SAFE cook and actually knows to break the egg shell off before cooking an egg. However, this does not mean that he is a good cook.

In fact, everything he makes has some element of chocolate in it. I mean, chocolate soup, chocolate stew, chocolate sandwiches, chocolate spaghetti, a guy kind of gets sick of it after a while. So before I come home from work, sometimes I stop by a restaurant or diner or fast food place and pick up some REAL food. I mean, don't tell Mello that I said he's a bad cook, because his food is actually not bad, a guy (aka me and any other guy that is not Mello) gets sick of chocolate after some point.

**ANOTHER BAD EXAMPLE! D:**

Since Light was all, "Muahahaha I am the god of the new world!" and Mikami was all, "Oh yes, let me kiss your feet!" Light took this opportunity to make Mikami into a sort of slave. Mikami complied willingly because he's, well, Mikami, and the guy practically thinks Light is a RELIGION, and so Mikami is forced to do all the housework. Now, Mikami may not realize this, but he's being USED by Light so that Light will not have to do any chores whatsoever and can basically be all carefree and go and kill people. And the worst part is, Mikami seems to like it. I think the guy's been brainwashed at some point along the way.

I wonder what Light promised him to make him do that. Maybe: "I'll let you borrow my jacket for a day" or "I will let you lick my shoes." Or maybe his sheer presence was enough to convince Mikami that his God should not be allowed to soil his pretty hands doing housework.

* * *

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

Now Light and L divvy up the chores around their house/headquarters. For example, L is the cook (well, not really, but he puts his orders through Watari and so gets food that way for the two of them) and Light does the laundry. See? Perfectly good example. Although...I don't know, would you have to do laundry every day for L, since he wears the same thing every day, or does he believe in the 'you only need to wash three times a week to be clean' theory?

* * *

**THE PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

Now, L and Watari aren't in a relationship, because first of all, Watari is like, 70, and L is like, 25, so that's a huge age gap for them right there. But however, even though they're not in a romantic relationship (because L is in that kind of relationship with Light), they still share chores. Well, I don't know if you would call them chores or duties here. Anyway, Watari caters to L all manner of sweet things, and L in turn saves the world by solving criminal cases. And the world does happen to include Watari.

* * *

Anyway, sharing extends all the way out to household responsibilities as well, so make sure that you and your partner divvy up the chores!

Otherwise you'll have a master pet relationship, like Mikami and Light. And that's some freaky shit.

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	7. Casual Dates

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 7**

**"Planning the perfect casual date."**

This is a BIG lesson. I mean, it's really important that on your first date, you plan it out well. If you don't, shit could hit the fan. That's figurative speech, although...it wouldn't surprise me if somehow that statement got literal.

Planning the perfect date will lead to a successful relationship most of the time. I say most of the time because sometimes shit happens, and one of you cheats on the other one (that will be discussed in another lesson), or because one of you falls out of love with the other one (not hard to do if said other person happens to be Mikami).

Anyway, a perfect date is not only good for furthering your relationship, it is also good for starting a relationship as well!

* * *

Okay. Here we go. Normally, most people like going on a casual date for their first date. Unless, of course, you happen to be in love with someone really professional or something, in which case, you'd want to make a formal date instead of a casual date. But for this lesson, we're going to focus on casual dates. Formal dates will be discussed in the next chapter.

**MOVIE DATE - **The movie date is a classic. You take your partner out to see a movie. Now, here are the rules for a movie date.

First off, don't buy the tickets for the movie ahead of time unless you and your partner have already discussed what movie THEY want to see. If they like romantic movies and you manage to score tickets for the latest horror flick, don't take them to see that. Unless, of course, you want them clinging to you throughout the night sobbing their heart out because they're afraid the Grudge is going to steal their soul. (Trust me. Some people would like this, but Mello's like a heat generator. And in the summer, it's not...really that great. But what can I do? I can't push him out of the bed unless I want to get socked in the face.)

Second, if you already do have the tickets for the movie that they want to see, then that's great! You don't have to wait in line. But you want to get to the theater early so that you can get good seats for you guys.

Third, it would also be an excellent idea to buy them chocolate (or whatever snack food they like) before the movie starts.

And finally, pick them up. Don't make them get to the theater by themselves. Because that tells them that you don't really want to be concerned with them. So...pick them up.

* * *

**COFFEE DATE - **Going on a coffee date with someone is great! Unless, of course, the cafe happens to be crowded as fuck.

Since it's impossible to make reservations on a cafe, make sure that you get there when most people are at work or in school or something like that. Generally, the early mornings aren't a good time to go, and late afternoons aren't a good time to go, either. Middle of the day is good.

There's really only two rules for coffee dates.

1. You pay for the coffee/food.

2. You don't talk about yourself, instead, you talk about them and their interests, their hobbies, etc. Make small talk and get closer to them.

3. Make eye contact. That says a lot.

Also, just a little tip: It's not a good idea to trip and spill coffee all over them. That could...severely end your relationship.

* * *

**MEAL DATE - **A meal date is a date where you take your partner out for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. NOT to be confused with a formal meal date, because regular meal dates don't take place at formal white tie restaurants.

Because this is a casual date, you can't really make reservations. Unless you call the place and beg them to save a table for you ahead of time.

First off, you do NOT want to go to McDonalds or any other fast food restaurant. Because that's...pretty sloppy. Unless they enjoy eating fast food. (I don't know about your partner, but Mello scorns McDonalds like it's the spawn of Satan.)

Second, once again, you pay. It's a general rule that if you ask someone on a date, you pay for the food.

Third, you don't talk about yourself, but talk about them. It's the subtle way of finding out what they like so you can surprise them on their birthday or V Day or something with a gift that you know they'll enjoy.

Fourth, make sure that you aren't preoccupied with doing something else while you're on your date. By this, I mean that you shouldn't be texting while you're having dinner with them or whatever. Because that's just plain rude.

Fifth, once again, eye contact is good. Just make sure you're not glaring at them the entire time. Be soft and nice. Also make sure that your eyes do not stray to an inappropriate part of their body. This is more for people who have partners that are women, because if your partner is a guy, the thing is kind of under the table. And unless you want to stand up and lean over the table and stare down, then...uh...okay....if that's the case, could I ask you: Are you related to Mikami? Like, are you even distant cousins or anything? Because that kind of sounds like the kind of thing Mikami would do. That guy has no shame. Seriously.

And sixth, please make sure to dress a bit higher up than you usually do. A T-shirt and jeans is fine for a casual date, but make sure that you don't show up wearing...I don't know, a wifebeater and basketball shorts and beat up shoes. At least try to make yourself look like more than you really are.

* * *

Anyway, dates are a good way to get to know your partner better and they can help further your relationship or start your relationship. However, if you screw up and deviate from these guidelines or blow them off all together, then...you might find yourself locked out of your flat. And your lover will NOT let you back in the house.

Believe me. It's happened to me before. Although he caved in eventually. (I was seriously going to stake him out in my car. Not even joking. But he only lasted for two days. I mean, come on! He's the freaking mafia leader! I staked HIM out, not the other way around. I was equipped for MONTHS of car life.)

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	8. Formal Dates

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 8**

**"Planning the perfect formal date."**

Okay. Now. If your partner happens to be some freak who always wears a tie and dress shirt (cough cough Mikami cough cough) then you'd want to go on a formal date with them the first time around, instead of a casual date. Because if you bring a professional person (not saying that Mikami IS professional in any way) on a casual date, they'll assume that you are insulting them. Not to mention that they'll look REALLY out of place if you tell them you're going on a date with them, they get all dressed up, and then you bring them to the movies or Claim Jumper's. And then they might just go all "SAKUJO!" on you.

And most of us value our lives.

The formal date is always more expensive than a casual date, but it can also be really romantic, provided you and your partner don't talk about business contracts the entire date. Then it's not really considered a "date" anymore. It would be called more of a "meeting in a public place."

_(Really random author's note right here: I was researching some casual date places, and the guy that wrote the article's last name is "Skywalker." Am I the only one that finds this a coincidence?)_

* * *

**MEAL DATE - **Basically, this is a meal date like discussed in last chapter, except this is really, the only kind of formal date I can think of.

Since this is a formal date, you usually can make reservations, and that's also recommended. Because you want to take your date to a place where you know they have good food, right? Right. I know I'm not leaving much room for argument here, but...let's just say that I'd hope you'd want to take your partner to a nice place to eat.

Now, if you uncultured in the study of restaurants, you could totally look them up on the Internet. And then call them from their website and make reservations from there. Making reservations is good because if the restaurant is really good, it'll also be really popular, which means there'll be a lot of people there, and you should get a good table/make sure you actually have a table for you and your date.

There are two types of formal meal dates. There's the semi-formal/semi-casual one, and then there's the super super formal one.

**SEMI-FORMAL DATE**

The semi-formal meal date does not have as much conditions as a super formal date. In a semi-formal meal date, you don't really have to make reservations at the place (unless your partner is an amazingly impatient bitch/ass) but you do have to dress nicely. I mean, you don't want to go there dressed in a ripped up T-shirt and jeans. At least wear a dress shirt and some slacks. Ties are not required, and those fancy cuff things on the end of the sleeves of the dress shirt are also not required.

Also, the semi-formal meal date is not as expensive as the super formal one.

Basically, this is just an ultra nice version of a casual date in which you and your partner have the opportunity to get closer to each other.

**SUPER SUPER MEGA SUPER FORMAL DATE**

Okay. This kind of date is amazingly hard to pull off. This is like trying to beat Kingdom Hearts on the hardest level if you have motion sickness. Anyway.

For this date, there are so many rules I don't even know where to begin. I mean, it might almost be better if you had that negative mind set where you think you're going to screw everything up, so you don't get disappointed if you do screw it up. Because, well, unless you were born under a lucky star that decided to shine through right at that night, it's virtually impossible to make this date perfect. Well, in my opinion, at least.

First of all, there's no smoking allowed in nice restaurants. ...See, this already poses a problem for me.

Second, you do need to dress nice. This is a requirement. Some of those really nice restaurants have that white tie dress code, and so you have to wear a suit throughout the dinner. And if you're clumsy with your fork, then you might not be wearing that white dress shirt again.

Third, be warned! The food here is expensive! So you might want to start saving up years before you plan your first mega super formal date. I mean, this is kind of like college, except more important. You save up for college your entire life so you have enough money to get through college and graduate so you can get your job. You save up for your formal date...for...eh...a couple years of your life so that you can take your date somewhere nice so that way he/she will enjoy it and therefore you will not be socially alienated for the rest of your life because of one bad date.

Fourth, also, don't order wine. It's expensive, and also, if the both of you happen to be inebriated, then...er...you might wake up on the floor of the restaurant's bathroom with your pants around your knees and um...someone's anatomy stuck up your...that part of you.

Fifth, make sure your shoes are tied. Nothing like going down headfirst onto your table and lighting your hair on fire. Life experience right there. And I'll tell you that stop, drop, and roll does not work if the fire happens to be on your head.

Sixth, there are some foods you shouldn't eat on your mega super formal date, because if you do, then your date probably won't want to kiss you (if he/she wanted to kiss you in the first place). Some of these foods include:

Steak tartare - there's absolutely NOTHING like watching your date dig into a plate of raw meat. (Seriously.)  
Onions and Garlic - Need I say anything?  
Spaghetti - There's a lot of mess involved, and the whole slurping thing only flicks the sauce around everywhere.

Seventh, indulge your date. Pay for whatever they want. Make sure you have a LOT of money on you.

Eighth, talk about them. Not about yourself. This way, you don't seem selfish at all.

Ninth, eye contact says a lot.

Tenth, you pay for the meal if you asked for the date. It might empty out your wallet for a good four or five months, but, hey. If you've got a partner as gorgeous and loveable as Mello, then, it's all worth it. (However, I am seriously starting to reconsider the 'loveable' part of Mello after he used most of our money to buy a SAFE for his chocolate.)

Eleventh, don't go on this mega formal date with Mikami, or at a place that you know Mikami will be at. Trust me on this one. There might be nothing like watching your date dig into a plate of raw meat, but it is one thing to see Mikami with a pink dildo pointed in your general direction two tables over.

Twelfth, don't get the spinach salad. Spinach sticks to your teeth, and unless you want to be smiling with green stuff in your teeth for the entire meal, then...okay...I don't know who gets turned on by that, but you know. Big world we live in.

Thirteenth, you don't want to be handcuffed to your date. Otherwise the other patrons will stare at you and wonder if you are having sexual relations. (And they might not be wrong about that, either.)

Fourteenth, you might want to check the menu of the place before you go there. Make sure that you/your date can find food on the menu that is suitable for both of you. By this, I am vividly reminded of the time L and Light went to The Four Seasons in New York and L blatantly refused to eat anything on the menu except for the German chocolate cake. Seriously. He threw a fit, and poor Light was forced to sit there and endure it. (Handcuffs, remember?)

* * *

Anyway, I kind of have to go now, because Mello is calling my name and I think I hear angels singing from the bedroom. (I sense that something of the 'getting laid' category is about to happen!)

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	9. Cheating

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 9**

**"How to deal with cheating."**

_(Author's note: Because everybody is desperate to hear what Matt will think of his beloved Mello after realizing that he's been cheated on, here's this chapter for you folks. Oh, and now that somebody has pointed out that it's great that I use words like 'totally,' 'super,' 'like,' for Matt's personality, you're making me self conscious now. I write like a GIRL, not a gay guy. LOL. And I could not make Mello seriously cheat on Matt...that would be too cruel. AND THERE. I MADE MATT SAY FABULOUS. )_

Cheating is HORRIBLE. I'm not even joking at this point. I remember the day when I found pictures of Mello and Near on the internet. Oh, that was THE day.

So I confronted him about it, right? And you would think that he'd have a little bit more formal-ness (the word is escaping me right now) when it came to serious matters like this, but no. He just looked up from his chocolate bar and his laptop and said, "Matty, if I was gay with Near, believe you me, I'd already have been accused of statutory rape and I'd probably be in jail by now."

I eyed him. I mean, I gave him THE LOOK. (Unfortunately, this is kind of hard to do if you're not accustomed to giving a glare (as Mello is), but...I attempted it.)

And then I walked out of the room and slammed the door. I mean, I was still kind of furious, you know? Who wouldn't be? This is like beating a game on your DS and then the thing says, "Critical error, cannot save."

For five days straight he begged, he pleaded, he sang love songs (I know, right?), and told me he'd do anything to get me back, and that was when I got out of my car, walked up to the house, and let myself back in. Once again, please see Chapter 7 about the whole 'I was equipped for months of car life.'

And anyway, it turns out that I was wrongly accusing him, because the pictures weren't actually pictures, but they were pictures of people pretending to be Mello and Near. Now, hello. Why would anybody want to dress up as a little insomnia-riddled boy wearing pajamas? Seriously, now.

But I was happy that he wasn't REALLY cheating on me, because if he had been, oh, his ass would have been out of the house so fast.....(wait. It's his house. Uh...well, then, I would have driven away.)

* * *

Cheating on your partner is when you're seeing another person behind your partner's back. This is not only hurtful, it can be devastating to the person and can ruin their whole social outlook on life. (Case in point: Mikami must have been cheated on quite a few times to gain his current status. You know, the whole "SAKUJO!" thing. Just the tad bit antisocial there.)

Now, perhaps the one thing worse than cheating is if you cheat openly. Like in front of your partner's face. Now, that is just horrible. I mean, no person in their right mind would want to see their partner having sex with somebody else. I mean, it's true. How many of you can honestly say you wouldn't care if you saw something like that? Wait for it...wait for it...that's right. None.

In order to deal with cheating, many people take the anger-blame route. You know, the part where they yell at their partner, slap them, kick them a few times, etc. and then the part where they blame them for everything bad that's happened in their life, like blaming them for the stock market crash, blaming them for the new scratch on the front of their car, etc. Now, the second part of the anger-blame routine might be just the tad bit irrational, but when you've been cheated on, you aren't exactly thinking properly.

An example of a person who took the anger-blame route was Mikami (of course). So, his first lover apparently cheated on him with another woman, and he got so pissed off at her that he threw all her stuff out of the house (yes, threw it all out. I mean, like THROWING.) and then he blamed her for everything in his life. And then he miraculously got the Death Note, and let's just say that he tortured her to death using nothing but a blade of grass. I'm not sure I want to know how he managed that. I mean, what do you write in that case? "So and so, killed 11:47 AM due to torture by blade of grass." HUH? Is that even logically possible?

However, you can also let the person go. You know, the whole saying "If you love something, let it go. And if it never comes back, it was never yours." Now, this is the hardest route to take because you'll want to yell and scream at them and hurt them in every imaginable way possible for what they did to you. If you do happen to take this route, I applaud you for not giving in to your primal instincts and tearing off their limbs and roasting them in the fire.

An example of a person who let his partner go was also Mikami. I mean, the whole Sakujo and torture thing gets a bit tiring after a while, and Mikami just gets into too many cheating relationships. (I'm surprised he even manages to get into a relationship at all.) Anyway, so the next lover he had, he let her go after he realized she was cheating on him. He did not throw her stuff out of the house, instead he neatly packaged it into several cardboard boxes and gave it to her civilly. However, he didn't do a good job on the 'letting her go' part, because when the police came to investigate his house for a routine inspection, they found several voodoo dolls of her. All with pins stuck in the heart.

...Fabulous job he did of letting go, huh?

Yeah. Mikami is....not someone you'd want to have a relationship with. LOL. That's probably the main moral of this lesson: "Don't go out with Mikami!"

* * *

Anyway, I've got to run now. Mello and I just had a huge fight over his chocolate safe and there's only so much hiding I can do on the computer. I think we're about to have make-up sex. Where's the damn lubricant when you need it?

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	10. Road Trips

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 10**

**"Taking a road trip with your loved one."**

_(Author's Note: Helen N., I'm sorry if it made it seem like I was offended by the gay guy comment. I'm not. LOL. I actually had no idea that I wrote like a gay guy until you pointed it out to me. People say I write like a guy, anyway, but never a gay guy. Plus, having Matt say fabulous is funneh as hell. Thanks for suggesting it! And yes, you guys, I've officially made Matt the seme in this relationship.)_

Taking a road trip with your loved one is perhaps one of the most intimate gestures you could do. Not intimate in the "I'm going to kiss you and cuddle you and oh yeah by the way I slipped ground up Viagra in that apple cider you were drinking so that we can have a wild sexy night of passion later and by the way I bought some handcuffs don't know how you feel about bondage but there's always a first time for everything" sense, but in the "I am willingly confining myself to a small space with you because I really do love you and this is just an example of my devotion now can you please stop yakking about so-and-so's new high heels" sense. By the way, this made sense.

And I didn't use punctuation for a reason. Kinda busy playing Final Fantasy X, thanks.

* * *

Anyway, on a road trip with your loved one, if your significant other is particularly annoying, there's only one thing I can suggest: Ear plugs. If you are not at liberty to buying ear plugs (meaning you have a dominant partner that controls your entire cash flow for some reason), then there's one other method you can try: You could try the tuning out and "Yeah" thing. Like, what I mean by this, is that you can tone them out and just nod your head and say "Yeah" and "Uh-huh" occasionally so that it gives the appearance that you're listening, when in reality, you are not.

If you don't know how to tune your lover out, you could try the whole "thinking about having sex with them" gig. However, if you happen to be a boy, and you get an erection right when your girlfriend/boyfriend is talking about how disgusting that one lady looked in a bikini (or some other really weird, just OUT THERE topic), then...they might think you just the slightest bit weird.

Not to mention having an erection in a confined space right next to your lover isn't exactly the most...prime of positions.

Because if you jump them in the car, on the freeway, you might just have a little problem. You know, the whole "OH MY GOD WHO'S STEERING THE FUCKING CAR?!" from your partner after a few intense seconds of passionate kissing.

And that's a position you might want to NOT find yourself in. Just a little tip.

* * *

Anyway, basically, on a road trip, bring food. For you and your loved one. Chocolate is always good, but you should keep it in a cooler to make sure it doesn't melt. And if you must bring booze, know that you can't drink and drive at the same time. Or drink, drive, and jump someone at the same time. You WILL get arrested, and your lover will be so mad at you for having to pay the bail that they will not have sex with you for a month. Better be used to those nasty couch springs, because you'll be sleeping on the couch for a fair bit, too.

However, booze is also not a good idea, because if your lover gets intoxicated, he/she might not be thinking properly and might start to unbutton your pants and...ahem...caress you while you're driving. And...that's just the tiniest bit distracting, if you get my point.

ANYWAY...

**GOOD EXAMPLE! :)**

See, Mello took Takada on a road trip (hence, the riding in the truck thing). Now, that might not have been the most romantic of gestures (because he's going out with me, BITCH, and you know it!), but it was fairly decent as far as Mello goes. I mean, it could've been worse. He could've tied her up and thrown her in the back of a truck without an apology! Oh wait. That's exactly what he did. LOL. Anyway, it could've been worse. I mean, he could've brutally raped her with a pen, and then tied her up and thrown her in the back of a truck. But that's more Mikami's style, ya know?

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

Light took L out on a road trip. Unfortunately, L decided on the I-5 that it would be a perfect time to have car sex with Light, and promptly unbuckled his seat belt, pulled down his jeans, and, well...you know what happened. And then they got into an accident. And got arrested for procreating. And Near was the only one with enough cash to bail them out. Oh, that was the day. Funny, isn't it, how your role models all change before your very eyes?? Needless to say, Near was heartbroken. Mello was stunned for a while, but then he realized that we have sex in really weird places, too, and promptly applauded L for his efficiency.

**PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

I take Mello out on road trips like, every year, and I bring food, non-alcoholic beverages, and whenever he tries to seduce me in the car, I promptly think about Watari in a Speedo. BAD IMAGES, BAD IMAGES. Anyway, that gets the little guy lying flat like he's in the middle of a warzone. And therefore, we don't get into an accident, and we don't get killed. :D

* * *

Right. Well, anyway, road trips are fun. They're absolutely great. Not to mention that it's a great way to bond with your lover. Kind of. Not really. You get the gist of it.

Gotta go now. Oh, Mello, thou is an aphrodisiac that makes my loins burn....

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	11. Meeting the Parents

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 11**

**"Meeting your lover's parents."**

_(Author's Note: To Autograph44, oh yes. Matt definitely finds himself in these kinds of situations - aka car sex and booze - ALL THE TIME. LOL.)_

Now, after you've established that you really do love your partner greatly, then eventually the time will come around when you will meet your lover's parents. Normally, YOU yourself wouldn't want to meet them, but your lover might want to introduce you or your lover's parents found out about you somehow and want to meet you in the flesh. However, the interaction will go over better if you actually are somewhat happy to meet them.

Being somehow happy to meet your lover's parents is...not really normal, because, basically, they'll look you over once or twice and then start firing rapid questions at you.

"WHAT OCCUPATION DO YOU CURRENTLY HAVE?" "HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU MAKE?" "WHAT COLLEGE DID YOU GO TO?" "DO YOU HAVE AIDS?" Etcetera. I think you get the point.

And then they won't even let you answer. They'll just jump to conclusions right away.

"Oh, he's probably a fry cook at Burger King." "Yep, 8 bucks an hour, that's what I thought." "Heh, college? What the hell are you smoking? That shit must be STROOONG..." "Of course he does! He totally looks like a manslut!"

Yeahhhhh....basically, in my prior experience, meeting your partner's parents is not an enjoyable experience and one I would rather not go through again.

* * *

Mello actually does have parents. He just doesn't talk about them much. By "much," I mean "at all."

Apparently he had some newfangled idea that his parents were going to do the modern thing and try to convert him into something he wasn't, so he ran away and Wammy's House found him one morning sitting outside the doorstep. At least, that's how he told the story. I'm sure Near has a much different version.

But when he took me to meet his parents, oh. My. Freaking. God.

I mean, meeting them is kind of like realizing that by some weird freak of nature, your male Sim has just gotten pregnant. You're so weirded out, you don't even know where to begin.

But if I could describe them in a sentence, I couldn't even think of a sentence. A few choice words though, would be: Weird. As. Fuck.

I can totally see where Mello got his feminine looks. His dad. I know, right? I seriously would have thought that he would've gotten his looks from his mom, but noooooo....

It turns out that Mello's mother and father are apparently only married because of Mello. His dad is gay, and sat on the sofa molesting his boyfriend the ENTIRE TIME, and his mother is a lesbian, and also sat on the sofa molesting her girlfriend...the entire time...Well, truth be told, I thought Mello's parents were gay anyway and that he was adopted, because the first time I laid eyes on his mother, I seriously thought it was a guy. And then I saw the boobs.

Well, I mean, I shouldn't be one to judge.

My mother wasn't exactly the best looking of ladies either....

* * *

Anyway, I met Mello's parents that day, and...well, I couldn't help but get distracted by them molesting their lovers. I mean, wouldn't you be, too, if you were having a conversation with your lover's parents while watching them molest their lovers??? And Mello seemed totally fine with it. Like he saw it every day.

Well, I mean, we make out every day, but that's not the point! It's not normal to see your parents getting it on with someone other than their spouse! I mean, that's like seeing a grandmother walk out of WalMart with a shopping bag filled to the brim with lacy thongs, whipped cream, condoms, and lubricant. Trust me. I used to work as a bag boy at WalMart before I scored that GameStop job. Good God. And as if that wasn't enough, she tried to HIT ON ME. I didn't even know ladies that old and senile had a sex drive! I suppose you learn something new every day though....

And in between gropes and kisses, Mello's parents managed to accuse me of several things, the least of which included: "raping their little boy," "defiling him to the ends of the earth," "forcing him into BDSM," "putting him at a risk for colon cancer," and a bunch of other things.

First of all, I do not rape Mello. If anything, he rapes me. Except...I'm on top. ...

Second, I do not defile Mello. His body is a temple, and I worship it.

Third, I don't force Mello into BDSM! I swear, that one time his parents came to visit while I was at work was an accident! Basically, I was working at GameStop and Mello had called me over my lunch break and told me he had a surprise for me, and I guess his parents came to visit, and when Mello didn't open the door, they called the fire department, who kicked down the door, and then they found him in the bedroom, wearing nothing but an edible see through thong and stilettos and handcuffed to the headboard of the bed with a gag in his mouth. I swear, I didn't put him up to that. And I suppose it didn't help that Mr. and Mrs. Keehl happened to open the closet and found Mello's collection of whips and other...ahem...sex toys...

And fourth, colon cancer????

Right....

Needless to say, they hated me. But, I mean, you know. Can't have everything.

* * *

**GOOD EXAMPLE! :)**

See, on their first "date" thingy, Light's parents had already met Misa. Of course, they weren't exactly happy with her, but at least they met her. See, that's actually a lot easier than trying to keep a relationship a secret.

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

L took Light to meet his parents one day (I KNOW, RIGHT? I WASN'T EVEN AWARE THAT L HAD PARENTS!) and...let's just say it didn't go over well. According to the surveillance tapes taken from the cameras outside the Lawliet family home that night, Light was unceremoniously booted out of the house, with L's parents screaming that "Light was a serial rapist and just wanted to drag their darling little boy into a mad series of mass fuckings". ...I have no comment.

**PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

See, I've already met Mello's parents, and...they hated me. But at least I met them. And I WOULD introduce Mello to my parents, except...they're dead. So, you see, kind of a bit of a problem there. But at least I am courteous to Mello's parents, and I do NOT dress like a slut like Misa does, so I don't really give off a slutty impression. However, I can't stop them thinking that. But a guy can try, can't he?

* * *

Mello's parents are kind of freaky. But I can only imagine Mikami's. I pity the fool who happens to see enough into Mikami to get him to introduce him/her/it to his parents.

Anyway, come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	12. Moving In Together

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 12**

**"Moving in together."**

_(Author's Note: 100 reviews! Thanks, you guys! BTW, jinnabun, I'm sorry, I completely forgot to thank you for the suggestions! But thank you anyway! :D. Helen N...: You made me think of a couple wearing Mello's haircut when you said that. I hadn't thought of it before. And popping the BIG question will come later! I promise!)_

Moving in with your lover is something that SHOULD happen eventually. I mean, unless you want to have like a long distance relationship (one person's in Japan and the other one's in Australia or something) or you want to have one of those relationships in which you have your own house (like live right next door to each other but never sleep with each other). I mean, living together is something that you should want to happen, too! Unless, of course, you have some dirty little secrets that you would like to keep private...(AND DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THOSE THONGS UNDERNEATH YOUR BED, LIGHT! Yeah, I hijacked those cameras that they put in his room. And thongs were the LEAST of his worries, let me tell you that.)

Ahem. Anyway. I'd love to continue discussing the porno mags underneath Light Yagami's bed (not the perfect student now, are ya?!), but I should be getting on with the lesson.

* * *

Anyway, moving in together is quite a complicated process, if you ever do get to that stage in your relationship. I mean, moving is hard enough as it is, but moving in together with someone that you love can be even harder.

If your lover happens to be a girl, oh, you poor creature. If you happen to be a boy, and your lover is a girl, you're even worse off. Because, let me tell you, girls do this one thing all the time where they make YOU move the furniture and they sit on a chair with a lemonade in their hand and direct you where to put it.

"No, a little to the left. No, too far. Move it back a little bit, and to the right. Nope, no, that doesn't look good either...."

And then after you've rearranged the goddamn furniture like twenty times, she eyes it for a second and then says, "You know, I think that sofa would look MUCH better on the opposite wall." And you just want to claw her eyes out. Or scream at her. Or claw her eyes out while screaming at her.

But anyway, let me just give you a few tips on moving in together with your lover:

* * *

1. If you purchase a new place, check it out BEFORE you buy it. Basically, if you buy a place that you have no prior experience with, then let's just say that you could be moving in your lover's grand piano that they absolutely HAD TO HAVE even though they don't play piano because they're too busy shooting people and eating chocolate one moment, and then the next you're sitting in the basement with plastic keys raining down all around you and a really, really pissed off partner looking down at you from three floors above through the holes you created on the way down. Also, that's gonna take a lot out of your wallet. You know, building reparations and the new piano and all that.

Also, if you check out the place before you buy it, then you're less likely to start having shower sex with your partner and then hear them scream, "OH MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!" and you look over your shoulder and there's a fucking centipede in the shower with you, waving its antennae at you in a provocative manner.

And then if your partner is really psycho, he/she will get a gun and shoot the fucking thing. And then you'll be forced to pay for shower reparation.

2. DON'T move in with your parents, or theirs. Especially if their parents are only married because they were born, and especially if you're going to get questioned every five seconds about whether or not you have AIDS, HIV, chlamydia, or any sexually transmitted diseases.

3. DON'T move in with their or your siblings, either. There's actually a funny story about this one...

Did you know Mello has an older brother? Yeah. I was surprised when I heard that too. I thought Mello was an only child. But apparently not. And the reason that his parents are only married because of him is because he is gay. And his parents were proud of that. I guess their first child is straight as a ruler, and got disowned at the tender age of 13. Harsh world we live in. But anyway, his older brother is 25, has a buzz cut, and is in the police force. I just find this ironic. You know, brother versus brother, police versus mafia...Anyway, his brother, Jeff (what a straight name!) won't touch Mello with a twenty foot pole, let alone let him move in with him. Something about how he'd get infected with the gay virus or some other useless shit like that.

4. Make sure that you do not move into an apartment with flickering lights, because your partner could freak out because he thinks the Grudge or the Exorcist is coming to get him and he WILL scream and cling to you in the bed and sob prayers. Really, I mean, it's not like I'm NOT religious, I go to church when I find time between video games and shooting people, but there's really only so much of "OH LORD, GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY BREAD!" you can take. And yes, that is in all caps, because a particular person who was clinging to me after watching the Grudge 3 was screaming it at the top of his lungs.

5. Make sure the facilities are working. Otherwise...well, the whole toilet clogging incident comes to mind. It was NOT pretty.

6. Make sure that you are not in a radius of 10 miles of Mikami. For obvious reasons. There was one time when we incidentally moved in next door to Mikami, and...let's just say that we heard some dirty things going on in there. I mean, REALLY dirty things. I think I heard the hiss of a riding crop one time striking flesh. ...Now, if anyone were to force anybody else into BDSM, let's just say that Mikami would be the forcer, and some poor, unwilling person would be the forcee.

7. In accordance with number six, try and get a place with friendly neighbors. Or indifferent neighbors. Either one is good. I mean, if they're overfriendly and wake you up every morning at the crack of dawn to welcome the new day with tribal dances and raw duck eggs, then....you might want to move down a floor. However, if they're so completely indifferent that they would NOT call the police if they saw you getting dragged down the hallway by a suspicious looking person, then, you might want to find another place as well. The second one didn't happen. I'm just saying it's a hypothetical situation. The tribal dances thing DID happen, though, and Mello is NOT a morning person...let's just say that the tribal dance didn't go over too well. Mello was too busy making sacrifices to the God of War or something.

8. Make sure that you can afford the place. Otherwise you could be back out on the streets with an empty wallet and no place to stay after all of two weeks. Not to mention your partner will also be extremely angry with you and will refuse to have sex with you for at least a month.

9. Pack some stuff from home that you need. Such as plates, cups, etc. You don't really need to go out and spend seven hundred bucks on plates.

10. One thing I can say: Terminix. There is nothing like seeing a family of spiders crawling out of a small crack in your wall while having sex with your partner. Seriously. A sight like that tends to shoot your libido down pretty quickly. Not to mention that your partner will pass out. Well, maybe that's only my partner. I swear, this is the same person who shoots people on a daily basis and runs a mafia. -.-

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

Light and Misa lived together. However, Light didn't really love her, but they still lived together. Although...if you want to get technical, Light spent more time at headquarters than at home....

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

Light never really 'lived' with L, unless you could consider headquarters home.

**PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

Mello and I live together! We live by ourselves in a cozy nice little house (yes! a house!), we do NOT live with our weirdass parents or our homophobic siblings, we have Terminix, we don't live near Mikami, we can pay the taxes on this place, we do not have flickering lights, we don't have neighbors with weird tribal dances, our facilities do work, I have never seen a centipede in our shower, and I have ear plugs. You know, for the shouts of "The Lord's Prayer" thing that Mello does every so often.

Anyway, if you follow these rules, you should hopefully be in a good place with your lover in no time! It's not like you need to go on Property Virgins to get a place.

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	13. Proposing

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 13**

**"PROPOSING."**

_(Author's Note: Everybody has been begging me to do a proposal chapter, and so here it is. Does the lesson number have anything to do with this, I wonder....lol)_

This is a BIG and very IMPORTANT lesson. I mean, this is kind of like all the other lessons combined, except not.

Anyway, proposing to your partner is very important, because you have to make sure that you do everything perfectly. I mean, if you screw this up, then, you're...well, screwed. And not in the good sense. I mean in the "Oh shit oh shit oh shit I messed up really badly and now they'll never forgive me and I wonder where I'll be living for the next few years" sense.

Your proposal is an extremely important event that could define the rest of your life. This is, of course, assuming your partner and you don't have a spat the day after the wedding and immediately decide to get divorced.

* * *

Now, proposal. Where do I even begin? I mean, there's so many rules here and if you mess even one of them up, then you're doomed. For eternity. And, well, even if your partner allows you back in the house after your failed proposal attempt, let's just say it's gonna be you and your left/right hand for a REALLLLLLYYYY long time, if not forever.

1. You absolutely do NOT want to be intoxicated when you propose. I mean, sure, you might think drinking alcohol before the big event would calm your nerves, but if you happen to be a lightweight, it's rather humiliating and horrible if you get down on one knee, open the velvet box, get half the sentence out, and then start to throw up on your partner's shoes. Of course, you might not remember it after you wake up, but...your partner most definitely will remember it. Unless you somehow managed to get them intoxicated too.

Furthermore, if you are proposing on a roof, and you are intoxicated, that's not a good idea either. Intoxication sometimes leads to double vision, and you could mistakenly propose to something off the edge of the roof, and drop the ring...down into the street....

2. The guy in the relationship should propose. That's, like, an unwritten rule of society. Unless, of course, the guy in the relationship happens to be the girl. You know, like Mello's parents. I'm convinced that Mello's mother proposed to his dad after she found out she was pregnant. I wonder exactly how that happened...Mello has this theory about mirror sex (since his parents kind of look alike), but...I'm not so sure....

3. Set a romantic mood for you and your partner. Like, take them to their favorite restaurant or home cook their favorite meal for them. Something lovey dovey like that. However, you do NOT want to propose to them in, say, a junk yard. Even if that particular junk yard happens to be their favorite place. Please, refrain from proposing to them in an area like that.

4. In accordance to number 3, you don't want to propose while you're having sex or right after you have sex. Because then your partner might think that you were like, having delusions from your orgasmic high and would slap you for not meaning it. People tend to say things during/right after sex that they don't usually mean, just a tip.

5. In accordance to numbers 3 and 4, don't propose online. Or on the telephone. I mean, it's okay if you do that and if your partner is very laid back, but let me tell you, if you ever happen to be having relations with a mafia leader at any time in your life and you decide that you want to propose to them, you will want to do it in person. Preferably not online or over the telephone. And preferably at a time when you KNOW they won't have a gun in their hands. You know, just in case they don't like the idea.

6. If your partner says "No," you do NOT want to scream and cling to their leg and shout, "Why won't you marry me?! WHY WHY WHY?!!!!" I'm not saying that I've ever done this, but let's just say I went to a restaurant with Mello on one of our missions and this guy was proposing and his girlfriend said no. And...well, the entire situation kind of got out of control, and let's just say that he screamed at her some more and then began to sit down and cry. The girl left.

7. Do not force your partner into saying yes. For instance, do not be like Mikami and do not whip your partner into submission. Mikami's been married like three or four times now. I bet he does it just for the life insurance he can collect on his spouses. Seriously! I have not seen any one of his spouses ever since they went into his territory. I've not seen any body bags coming out of that place either, so...it kinda leaves a guy to wonder. You think Mikami could be a necrophiliac? ....

8. TIE YOUR SHOELACES. You do not want to trip and fall on your partner and knock them out. Unless, of course, you have a weird fetish about asking people to marry you when they are unconscious....

9. Be unique. I mean, the whole getting down on one knee on a rooftop of a fancy restaurant is pretty classic, but it's not original. I'm sure a billion other people have already proposed/been proposed to like that. Be original with your partner - in a good way - and it could pay off. However, if you're doing the whole "I'm going to hide this ring in their dessert" thing, please make sure that the dessert you order for them does not contain things that they are allergic to. Also make sure that your partner CHEWS their food instead of shovels it down their throat. Otherwise...let's just say you won't be getting that ring back for a good day or two. You know, that thing has to go through their system. And let's just say it's not a pleasant surprise when they finally discover it.

Also, if you do the whole "Scavenger hunt" thing, make sure your partner has some patience. Otherwise, they might never find the ring and instead might kick you out of the house for even bothering to make them go through with such "asinine" things. I didn't even know that Mello knew the word asinine, let alone knew how to use it in a sentence. But I guess he's not a genius for nothing, right?

10. Get a nice ring. Preferably real diamond. I mean, granted, your partner probably won't be as crazy and idiotic as mine, (and I say that with all the love in the world), but...if your partner does happen to be insane and idiotic, they will get a chainsaw and use it on the ring. Just to make sure it's of quality. And if that sucker goes through the ring, they'll know that you were cheap. Or as cheap as "cheap" can be when it comes to engagement rings.

11. Plastic rings are a big no no. You don't want to go proposing to your partner with the plastic glow in the dark ring you found in your Corn Pops two days ago.

12. Be confident. I mean, if you go around stuttering like this: "M-M-Mello, wi-wi-wi-will y-y-y-y -" then your partner will probably either A) Leave, B) Scream at you to hurry the fuck up and spit it out already, or C) Just stare at you until you finish the sentence. And let's just say that B is the most likely of the three.

13. Dress nicely. You really don't want to be proposing to your partner when all you're wearing is a wifebeater and dirty faded jeans. I mean, unless your partner likes that kind of thing....Cough COUGH L COUGH COUGH.

Anyway, proposing is a huge deal. It could make or break your life. -And your sex life, but that's for another time.-

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	14. Interlude I

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Interlude I**

**"My proposal experiences."**

_(Okay, you guys, I've decided to start adding interludes, which are basically Matt's experiences with certain lessons. So this isn't really a lesson, but since people have been asking what Matt's experiences of proposing were, this is an interlude. :D)_

I proposed several times to Mello. I can't count them on one hand, nor can I count them on two hands, and I don't think they can fit on all my fingers and toes. Maybe if we start counting the hairs on my head...maybe then we can get somewhere. And, in the end, Mello and I are married. But the way I got him to marry me was something I would not have expected. But thank goodness I struck gold on that try, because I was kinda running out for money for rings.

* * *

**Proposal Experience Nombre Un**

Before you get all confused, I learned French because Mello said "it was the language of love." So I tried to seduce him by saying that I wanted to "visite" him, and it turns out that visite isn't actually the word for 'marriage', but the word for 'having sex roughly and passionately'. Come to think of it, I didn't even know that Mello knew French. But whatever. Continuing on.

The first time I proposed to him, yes, yes, I was intoxicated. I don't honestly know what I had to drink that night, but it was preeetttty darn strong, considering the hangover I woke up with. Well, actually, I woke up with a hangover and passed out in the bathroom. And I didn't remember the night before, see? Well, when I got my credit card bill in the mail, I was like, "OMFG." Because it turns out I spent three thousand, nine hundred and twenty five dollars on a "Straight Baguette Eternity Band." And the thing is, I didn't even know where this "Straight Baguette Eternity Band" was. When I asked Mello, he was all, "Oh yeah. That night you came home drunk and proposed to me and I said no."

"But Mello. Where's the RING?"

"Oh, that thing? I sold it on eBay."

-Insert screams of agony here-

* * *

**Proposal Experience Nombre Deux**

This actually has more to do with Mello than with me, because, see, this time HE tried to propose to ME.

Let's just say that this involves an early morning struggle with trying to open a bag of Frosted Flakes (with a prize inside!), several curses, getting the scissors and cutting open the bag and spilling corn flakes all over the floor, and then returning to me in bed and asking me to marry him with a plastic glow in the dark ring. Ummm...okay....

And then he slid the ring on my finger and proceeded to have sex with me. Or I proceeded to have sex with him. One way or the other. And...I don't actually know where that plastic ring went.

Oh, oh, and the killer? I, YES, ME, had to clean up the cornflakes.

* * *

**Proposal Experience Nombre Trois**

I tried proposing to Mello again in a field outside of a nice restaurant. Little did I know, however, that said field was a cemetery. A very grassy cemetery. Just so happened that Mello happened to stumble on a grave, looked down, saw the headstone, and grabbed his rosary and started screaming The Lord's Prayer: "AND FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES..." etc. Okay, okay, I get that you don't like walking on dead people! But you don't need to go around chanting The Lord's Prayer at least fifty times, and then dragging me off the premises while babbling about "finding a baby lamb to sacrifice for God's holy purposes."

Sheesh.

Some people, you know.

Well, Mello did find a baby lamb, and Mello...held a ceremony involving draping the lamb in a toga, force feeding it bran, and then slaughtering it.

Ummmm....okayyyy.....

* * *

**Proposal Experience Nombre Quatre**

So Mello and me were having sex, right, and I was all, "Oh, God, Mello, would you marry me?"

Well, okay. Truthfully, I said, "Oh, God, Mihael, would you marry me?"

Except when you're having sex with someone your words get all chunky and blocked, and so I guess I REALLY said this:

"Oh, God, Michael, would you marry me?"

And...well, that didn't go over too well. He thought I was seeing some suspicious looking fellow named Michael for the longest time.

Didn't really help that there was a Michael at the GameStop I work at. Mello followed him around for MONTHS, and began sending him threatening messages through the GameStop telephone, the least vulgar of which were: "I will fucking hunt you down and fucking chop you up into little pieces and fry you up into fucking spam and eggs." and "You asshole, what are you doing trying to steal my bitch from me?"

The poor guy had no idea what was going on. Eventually he resigned.

I saw his picture in the newspaper two days later. He'd committed suicide. Apparently his wife had said that he was scared of "being castrated and put in a common breakfast dish."

* * *

**Proposal Experience Nombre Cinq**

So I'm a gamer, right? So we recently got a Wii, and so you know how there's that inbox thing at the menu? So I decided I'd write Mello a proposal message. And I saved it. And the next time Mello decided to play Manhunt 2 or whatever that shooting game is called, he saw that we had a message, he went to the inbox, he opened it, and then he said, "Hey, Matt, check this out! Some random dude just proposed to me over a video game system! What a loser!"

I kept quiet.

* * *

**Proposal Experience Nombre Six**

We were watching Schindler's List on the couch, you know, that really sad one about the Holocaust? And I think I must have been drunk or sleepy or something like that, because I certainly wasn't in my right mind when I asked Mello to marry me. While watching Schindler's List.

No explanation should be required.

* * *

**Proposal Experience Nombre Sept**

As you probably guessed, I've been arrested more than my fair share of times. One time was really bad, because I would have had to spend seven years in jail, so as the police car started to drive away, I screamed out the window, "Mello! Marry me!" or something to that nature.

Mello didn't say Yes, and the cop Tasered me.

* * *

**Proposal Experience Nombre Huit**

There are a lot more proposal experiences that I could have shared with you, but some of them may be...ahem...inappropriate for this site. Anyway, so this is the way that I got him to marry me.

Me: "Hey, Mello, what do you want to do today?"

Mello: "I don't know, what do you want to do today?"

Me: "Let's get married."

Mello: "Okay."

If I'd known it was this easy....

* * *

**Proposal Experience: L and Light**

You know how back in the 'Road Trips' chapter L and Light proceeded to have sex on the I-5? Well, let's just say that the two of them are complete ANIMALS.

Animals, I tell you!

They're like freaking jellyfish in mating season! And if you have never seen a jellyfish copulate with another jellyfish, then you have not lived, my friend. You have not lived.

So, being animals, Light proposed to L while having sex. Which is a big no-no.

"L" -thrust- "will" -thrust- "you" -thrust- "marry" -thrust- "me?"

"OH MY GOD LIGHT OF COURSE I WOULD MARRY YOU OF COURSE I WOULD MARRY YOU YES YES YES!!!!"

If you didn't get the last line, let's just say that L was in the throes of pleasure and was not coherent at the time and so did not use punctuation in his spoken sentences.

Anyway, it turns out that L never actually wanted to marry Light in the first place because he had an insane fear of being trussed up like a pig in a pinafore and becoming a dutiful housewife. Or something like that. But Light reassured him that he would never have to become anything of the type.

There was always Watari for that. Although...Light must be a bit messed up in his head if he wants to see Watari trussed up in a pinafore and becoming a dutiful housewife.

-.-

* * *

**Proposal Experience: Light and Misa**

Misa: "YOU MARRY ME, LIGHT, BECAUSE I KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T!"

Did Light really have a choice?

* * *

**Proposal Experience: Light and Mikami**

Mikami: "Oh God, please let me be your bride and we shall live together in the temple of heaven while you create a new world that will salivate over your feet!"

Light refused.

And then Mikami realized that he wasn't godlike enough for Kira's presence and immediately began to go in search of mythical archangels to help guide his way along the path of light.

* * *

**Proposal Experience: Light and Takada**

Light's thoughts: "I might as well ask this bitch to marry me because she's a vital part of the plan. And when she gets all lovey dovey and stuff like that, I'll kill her and collect life insurance! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I had no idea Light was concerned about life insurance.

* * *

Anyway, come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice! :D


	15. Facing Their Fears

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 14**

**"Helping your lover face their fears."**

_(Author's Note: I need more suggestions!!!)_

I realize that this kind of seems a step back from the whole proposal experience and stuff like that, but you guys were BEGGING me to write it, so I finally gave in. You know, public demand overrules the voice of one.

Anyway, helping your lover face their fears is a very, very important lesson, because if you do not help them face their fears, then you just might wake up one morning, open up your credit card bill, and realize that they spent over ten thousand dollars last month on therapists alone. Not to mention you might be hustled out of your house at two in the morning on a cold January day because you were suspected of stealing other patients' prescriptions for medications. Which, of course, you did not do, but a certain someone else in your house might have done.

You know. Those mafia leaders. Battling all sorts of depression. And sometimes those killing sprees just can't seem to work magic the way Prozac or Zoloft does.

* * *

Now, Mello has quite a lot of fears. The least of which include getting raped by the Grudge, getting raped by the Exorcist, or being brutally raped with a blade of grass and a twig. I don't even know where he gets these kinds of ideas. Or why he even has a fear of getting raped. If anything, HE rapes others. Others do not rape him.

Now, in order to help him face these fears, I must try my hardest not to dye my hair black and go around wearing a white sacrifical robe with kanji on the back. (Oh yeah, I do these kinds of things every day. Seriously.)

Let's just say that the way I help him face these fears is to stay up with him late at night and bring him warm milk and tofu every few hours until he falls asleep. I guess tofu is the ultimate comfort food. Who woulda thought? Well, I mean, who woulda thought that the big bad mafia leader ate TOFU?

Well, whatever. At least he doesn't consider roadkill comfort food. That would have been a pain, going out on the streets at night with a penlight and looking for dead raccoons. And you can't hunt tofu. TOFU IS NOT AN ANIMAL. I REPEAT, TOFU IS NOT AN ANIMAL. YOU CANNOT HUNT TOFU, NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY.

Unless you throw a square of tofu up in the air and shoot it?

There's an idea.

And, you know, the whole "reading a bedtime story" actually does work, even in young adults.

Although it's kind of getting tiring having to make up a whole blood and gore scene in "Little Red Riding Hood".

You know, this is kind of off topic, but in the Sims, if you can hack through the game, you can make your Sims be afraid of water - hydrophobic, and then make it so that they have to swim across a pool to get home. I love messing with people's minds. Does that qualify me as a sadist???

But I would never force Mello to swim across a pool if he had hydrophobia. I'm not that cruel, and besides, he does not look good wet. Picture a cat wet, and then you kind of get the picture. Although it is pretty funny after he blow dries his hair and then it all poofs up like a little dandelion. I think it's hilarious.

* * *

Anyway, comforting your partner is a very key element to helping them face their fears. If you don't comfort them, then...they'll just get worse. Also, participating with them in a program that's designed to help them overcome these fears could also benefit both you and them. They'll think that you care about them (if you don't), and you'll learn to accept them for who they are (results not guaranteed).

For example, if your partner is afraid of heights (perfectly natural, compared to all the other things they could be afraid of), then you will want to help them board airplanes, help them climb the stairs, etc. Of course, most people don't normally have a fear of walking up to another level, but if they do happen to have "heightophobia" as I like to call it, then...well, you might want to start looking into investing in a one story home. You know. Do stuff like that to help your partner get over their fears.

However, if you are a heterosexual couple, and your girlfriend/boyfriend suddenly develops "heterophobia", or fear of the opposite gender, then they just might be trying to tell you something very subtly. You know, maybe that...oh, they don't really like you anymore and are leaving you for somebody else. Somebody else that happens to be of their gender. Because those are dreaded words, telling your partner, "I don't like you anymore. I'm gay. So therefore, I am leaving you for another person."

If your partner happens to have basophobia, or fear of standing, then by all means, purchase a wheelchair and wheel them around in it. Heck, you might just be able to get handicapped parking, too!

If your partner has thaasophobia, fear of sitting, can't really help you with that. Let's just say that you'll probably be the only one ever lying down in bed. Unless they jump into it and fall flat without sitting?

If your partner happens to have panophobia, the fear of everything, then you might as well just kill them already so they don't have to suffer.

And here's my favorite one, cacophobia. The fear of ugliness. I mean, every person has a different definition of the word 'ugly.' For instance, people could think Robert Pattinson is ugly, but other people might think he was the most gorgeous thing on the face of the earth. So...would you be afraid of the common definition of ugly, or would you be afraid of your definition of ugly? I mean, really.

I think Mikami suffers from cacophobia quite a lot. I mean, every time he looks in the mirror, he's all, "Oh my God, that person is so ugly, he's not good enough to be a devoted Kira follower." And then he realizes that it's him, and then he must redeem himself in Kira's eyes by screaming "Sakujo!" twenty billion times......

* * *

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

L had severe lachanophobia, or fear of vegetables. So therefore, Light and Watari didn't give him anything to eat other than fruits and cakes and other sweets like that. There were no vegetables whatsoever in L's diet, and this made Light a good partner and Watari a good...caterer....

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

Have you ever wondered why Rem developed a strong attachment to Misa? I mean, other than the whole "Oh you've got my Death Note so I guess I'll just have to stick around until you die so I can reclaim it" thing. You know why she had such a strong attachment, a strong attachment strong enough that she would kill herself for Misa? Well, if you haven't wondered, now is the time to start wondering, because I am about to answer that question.

You see, Rem had this phobia called arrhenphobia, or fear of men.

And since Misa was a girl...well, you kind of see how things go.

But Misa never helped Rem get over her fear of men, so she was not being a very good human partner thingy to the shinigami.

**PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

Mello secretly has leukophobia, or fear of the color white. Have you ever wondered why he hated/detested/feared Near so much?

Well, since we don't live with Near, (which I made sure of by the way), Mello doesn't have to face his fears on a common basis. Well, I mean, we've gotten past the point where he wouldn't talk to Near to the point where he's only agreed to meeting with him for very short periods of time. So I think we've gotten somewhere. :D

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	16. Medical Problems

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 15**

**"Medical problems: From Aplastic Anemia to Zoloft Consumption."**

_(Author's Note: Thank you so much for the great suggestions everybody!!!! And to Kira's Wife Felicia, this one is for you since you requested it.)_

As you may very well know, I am no doctor. Although I kick some parasite butt at Caduceus for the Nintendo DS. If you've never heard of it, then you must not be hanging around those pirating DS centers very often. Basically, it's this surgery game where you have to stitch up people and fight off infection and scream at the patients to ward them off the brink of death. Very, very ER like.

Anyway, I would love to talk about the fine points of Nintendo DS microphones, but just a note about this lesson: Since I am not a doctor, I am not medically qualified to inform you about every medical topic from A to Z. Not to mention that would be a huge ass lesson and you'd probably be bored to death after about the twenty-seventh line.

Medical problems with your partner are something that should not be hidden, whether they are YOUR medical problems or theirs. If they hide it from you, and they, oh, say, happen to go into a seizure while you're making love to them, then...let's just say it would be a tough call on deciding whether to finish nailing them or to get up, get dressed, and drive them to the ER immediately. (I suggest you take the second option. If your partner wakes up later, they'll be pissed off that you didn't bring them to the ER first and decided to use their seizing body as a method to get off.)

You should have an open relationship with your partner, and yes. That also means sharing your medical problems.

* * *

Now, lesson one, being subtle, is also a very important lesson that could be incorporated with this lesson. For instance, if you see that really cute guy/girl/thing that you want to hook up with, you wouldn't go up to them and say, "Oh. Hey. My name's -insert name here- and I have AIDS." Or another terminal disease like that. I mean, that's not exactly the best pick up line in the world, you know?

You might want to hold off on telling them about that particular condition until later in your relationship. But make sure that you don't have any sexual contact with them prior to coming out of the closet about your dirty little secret. Because if you have sex with them and the morning after you suddenly have a change of conscience and decide to tell them you have AIDS, then...let's just say they'd kill you, and then kill themselves. That's the most likely situation I can come up with.

I mean, you're both gonna die, anyway, right? So what's the point of suffering it out? Or is AIDS not a death sentence anymore? I'm not sure. I don't really keep up with the American Medical Association on these kinds of things.

It is EXTREMELY important to tell your partner if you have a disease that causes you to have seizures. It is also important to tell your partner if you have cancer, or are actually a boy/girl but you got a sex change! It is important to tell your partner if you have seizures so they do not freak out when you start to have a seizure because you forgot to take your drugs that day. If they freak out, they might think you were possessed by some demonic toilet spirit and might - no, WILL - shoot you to exorcise the toilet spirit out of your body. If you have cancer, you should tell your partner that you have cancer so they know what they are getting themselves into! I mean, if they don't know you have cancer and you suddenly bald, go to the hospital, and just up and die, then they'll demand to know what you died of after the autopsy. (Well, if they even do autopsies on cancer patients.) And when they realize that you had cancer and never told them, they will curse your dead body out AT your funeral, and your soul will be in a tormented, humiliated state for the rest of eternity. And I'm not sure you want that. Unless you're a hardcore masochist. In which case, by all means, LIE!

Not to mention that you'll damage your partner so badly that they will only fancy damaged people and bribe them with dates to go back to their jobs. You know, like Cameron on House.

If you have depression, please get help and tell your partner. If you don't tell your partner, they might continue to make fun of you instead of giving you the support you deserve and you will get worse and your life will suck. Well, I mean, your partner's way of motivating you to get better might be like a football coach's, (YOU SUCK! LET'S WORK THOSE QUADS, LADIES!, etc.) but at least they'll care. And that's all that matters, right?

And ALLERGIES! That's a big one that you need to tell your partner about. For instance, if you're allergic to cherries, and your partner has you bound up in a chair and is feeding you fruit and they just so happen to feed you a cherry and you start puffing up like a pufferfish, then they'll be really freaked out. And you might die if they accidentally hold your EpiPen backwards and inject THEMSELVES with it instead of you. And then they'll pass out, and you'll be all red and itchy and on the brink of death, and...let's just say it's not a very compromising position to be in when your neighbors kick down the door because they heard a rather loud "THUD" and thought you were being unruly and moving furniture again and disrupting the peace.

Although the looks on their faces are absolutely priceless. I mean, wouldn't you be in some mild state of shock, too, if you discovered your neighbors, one of whom was passed out on the floor and the other of whom was naked and bound to a chair?

But you can't really see their expressions anyway because if you're the person bound, your eyes will be all swollen and it will be hard to see, and if you're the one passed out on the floor, well, you're passed out. DUH.

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

Near told the SPK (Stupid People Klan) that he was an albino and could absolutely not be in the sun for whatever reason. So he already told them that, and that was why he was never shot in a scene with sunlight, for fear of burning his retinas or some other crap like that.

(Personally, I think he bleached his skin. You know. The kid was a total Michael Jackson fan before the child molesting thing came up.)

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

Light tried to force feed L carrots one time, to help with his vision. However, he was unaware that L was severely allergic to beta carotene, which is something found in carrots, and L ended up in the hospital all bloated up and stuff. And Light was truly sorry for what he had done, because L refused him sex for the longest time imaginable (two weeks. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! TWO WHOLE WEEKS THEY SPENT WITH COPULATING LIKE JELLYFISH!). Not to mention L was convinced that it was all part of Kira's plan to kill him, and so Light's Kira percentages went up drastically.

**PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

Watari knows perfectly well that L is allergic to beta carotene, and therefore eliminates the carrot cake off every platter of sweets he buys for L from the convenience store. What a good man.

I kinda gotta go now. My wife is calling me.

Anyway, come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	17. The First Time

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 16**

**"The First Time: Or, In Other Words, Taking One's Virginity For Dummies."**

_(Author's Note: As I have not had sex yet, (I'm only legal to have sex in Canada apparently) the information in this given by me may not be completely accurate. However, as Matt has had sex bajillions of times, you can count on it to be correct. :D. Since everyone was vying for this topic, here it is! Enjoy.)_

The first time is a moment of wonders. However, with said moment of wonders, there are also plenty of things that could go drastically wrong and ruin your life - and your sex life, if you don't consider the two one and the same - forever. And if that happens, commit suicide. Immediately.

And, just a word of advice before the lesson begins, I would like to ask all you guys to PLEASE not try to circumcise yourself. Because it WILL NOT WORK, and you will end up in the ER of your local hospital looking like a lady on her period except you're a guy. And the other patrons of the ER will give you weird looks, the ER surgeons will choke on their own spit from trying not to laugh at you (see, they're not supposed to laugh at you), and the head doctor will probably ask you "how the Twinkie got out of the wrapper" when you reveal your problem to him. And telling him that you tried to circumcise yourself with a box cutter/bread knife doesn't really go over too well, and you WILL be the front of many sexual jokes on late night shifts between janitors for many, many months. Not to mention your face will be known around the ER as "the guy who cut his own dick with a -insert weapon of choice here-" and people will crack up as you are wheeled by on a stretcher to get stitches in your forehead after your lover pushed you down a flight of stairs out of a fit of vengeance. Trust me. It's not a good thing to ever do. Both pushing your lover down the stairs in a fit of vengeance and trying to circumcise yourself with a box cutter/bread knife/whatever else you can circumcise yourself with.

And those Jewish elders? They actually KNOW what they're doing. Auto circumcision is not to be practiced at home.

* * *

Once again, the whole STDs thing comes up. If you have an STD, don't have sex! Simple as that. Unless your partner actually likes having open sores on their genitals. Then by all means, go right ahead.

If you do have an STD, then you could use a condom or some other method of protection, but that doesn't always work and your partner could end up getting your disease anyway. And then they'll be pissed at you.

**First Time with Girls**

If you are a guy and your partner is a girl, it is wise to use a condom the first time around. Especially if you're not married. Because you don't wanna have any illegitimate children on your hands. Imagine if you had a kid in high school! Your friends would be all, "Oh, hey, there's a party with lots of booze and bedrooms at so-and-so's house this Saturday, their parents are in Aruba. Wanna come with?" and you would have to say, "No, can't, gotta babysit." "Oh, whose kid?" "Mine." That would be such an awkward conversation to have!

Using a condom the first time around pretty much guarantees that the girl can have sex a second time and then there's actually time to consider about whether or not you want to have kids. Unless you or she is sterile. In which case, the condom is nice if you have an STD, but if you are uninfected, then by all means, go ahead and discard that rubber!

And if you are making out with a British guy, be warned that if you say "Get out that rubber", he will probably reach into his desk drawer and pull out an eraser. You know, odd lingo over there in Great Britain. And you can't realistically have sex with an eraser. I mean, unless the eraser is rather cylindrical and long....

Oh, oh, and if you don't want the girl to get pregnant, double/triple/quadruple bag on condoms (placing one condom over the other) and make sure she takes the pill. You know. For extra insurance. It's always good to be prepared. And even then, if she still gets pregnant, congratulations! Your baby is a medical miracle and deserves to survive.

**First Time with Boys**

It is always nice to use a condom, but since guys can't get pregnant, if you are uninfected and they are as well, then I don't see any point in wearing one.

Be warned! Guys have this thing called a perineum (I think girls might have it too, but I'm not sure, I didn't really study up on female anatomy in college, plus I'm not even sure if I spelled that right...perinuem?), and when you penetrate them (if you are penetrating) and you just happen to slam into that thing, you could break your dick. I'm not even joking. It swells up and all that and it's really painful and it turns purple and then you go to the ER and they put you on some kind of drug and you don't remember the next few hours but when you wake up you're still sore and the doctors inform you that you might never be able to have sex again. But the key word in that sentence is 'might'. I was one of the lucky ones. I am not willing to go through that kind of experience ever again. I begged Mello to get his perineum/perinuem removed, but when he refused, I decided that I should take better aim and not get lost in the passion of the whole thing.

So I guess in the end, it was kinda my fault. But not really. It was Mello's perineum's fault. It totally was, and his perineum knows that. What a wicked body part.

**General First Time Tips**

1. Use lube. Lots of it. And some people might be fussy about the temperature of it, so warm it up first.

2. If you are intoxicated while having sex for the first time, you are put at a risk of breaking your dick or throwing up all over the person's face right as you are about to orgasm. Not a great way to end the night, let me tell you.

3. Please make sure that you have sex with someone that actually means something to you. If you have sex with a person/species that you don't even know existed, then...let's just say that you just lost your virginity and had sex with somebody/something you didn't even know existed! I think that labels you as a whore.

4. Sex in public? Nuh uh. Nobody wants to see you getting it on in public. Unless, of course, you happen to be a gay Chippendale dancer and you just had that sudden urge to grab that dancer next to you and vigorously make out with him. I'm sure the ladies would pay big bucks to see that. Reverse the situation if you happen to be a lady and suddenly find yourself in a gentleman's club.

5. In accordance with number 3, if you know your partner very well, this usually leads you to know what kinds of things they will like in bed. Life isn't about a facebook quiz, you know!

6. Don't force your partner into doing anything they are uncomfortable with doing. Don't be a Mikami, please.

7. Don't leave like, right after you orgasm. And if you do happen to, don't give a lame ass excuse like you were "going to check your World of Warcraft status." Seriously. Don't try this.

8. Don't leave after you both orgasm and the mood is over. People like the cuddling. However, if they are a self-centered domineering bitch and don't want you to touch them in any way, shape, or form, then it is perfectly acceptable to go to the bathroom or get a glass of water.

9. Since it is practically guaranteed that they will be sore in the morning, make them breakfast. Food always awakens the romantic's soul. At least, that's what they say on all those Food channel shows.

10. It is important to bring them pleasure as well. It is not all about you. However, if you are screwing around with some whore (which I highly don't advise), then do whatever you want! You're paying for it, after all. Might as well get bang for your buck. Literally.

11. Sometimes your partner will fake orgasm to make you think that they came when they really didn't. I don't know why they do this, but...let's just say when they finally own up to doing it, please be understanding of them and realize that they were trying to not hurt your feelings. No matter which state of mind they thought that in.

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

Aiber and Weddy's first time was actually civil. He used lube, he used a condom, they both had a wild night of passionate sex, and it only ended in the morning when Weddy, in a hungover fit of rage, made him over. -See, they were drunk.- That was the only setback to the whole thing.

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

Light practically raped L the first time around. And that is a major no no. Although from the sounds that Near detected on the computer's microphone, L seemed to be enjoying it. That little boy is a pervert. A PERVERT, I TELL YOU!

**ANOTHER BAD EXAMPLE! X(**

So you know that whole thing about how Mikami marries people and then kills them later? Well, before he kills them, he punishes them brutally in his bedroom, or the room I like to know as "The BDSM chamber" or "The Mikami Chamber: KEEP OUT!" Needless to say, Mikami needs to be convicted of something before he can hurt anyone else. Maybe I could convict him of rape? But then I would have to prove how I know all this stuff, and let's just say that I think hacking is illegal. God, that one time he left the computer on video chat, dear God, I saw some things I think human, and godly, and shinigami, eyes should not witness. However, it does include (since you are all just dying to know, I'm sure) foreign object penetration, fisting, and layers and layers of buttercream. I don't know about the buttercream myself. I think Mikami has an unhealthy fetish involving buttercream. I shall never look at red velvet cupcakes the same way again. Oh my, and I loved red velvet cupcakes....

-Here, let me play a sad song for myself on the world's tiniest violin, I'll be back in a bit-

**PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

I gave Mello everything he wanted in bed, and then some. I was generous, courteous, and contrary to popular belief, I do not have sexual diseases of any way, shape, or form. That is all just a myth Mello's parents invented to keep Mello from having sex with me. But you know those mafia leaders. They can't be stopped. And I love him. Oh yes, I do.

Anyway, I have to go now. I'm off to the bedroom in another sexual conquest.

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	18. Jealous Exes

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 17**

**"When Exes Attempt to Ruin Your Relationship."**

_(Author's Note: Since this guide is also about marriage, does anyone else think I should do a weddings chapter? Or is that just me...)_

When ex-lovers attempt to break up your relationship with your current lover, then it is not good. Mucho not good. Except I think mucho might have a positive connotation in Spanish.

Anyway, basically, it's horrible if exes try to break up your relationship. I should be saying "ex," but if your exes randomly decide to meet up, team up, and storm your house wearing nothing but loincloths, carrying a battering ram, and screaming at the top of their lungs, "KILL THE BEAST! KILL THE BEAST!", then it would be in the plural form: Exes. And then, as if the whole rampaging-with-loincloths-and-a-battering-ram thing still isn't enough for you extremists, YOU will be forced to pay the price when the police come and take them away for disrupting the peace. Not to mention that your lover will be extremely pissed off at you for the next month or so, even though IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT, and the neighbors will give you weird looks for the rest of the time you happen to occupy that specific area. They'll probably think you have a fetish about people dressing up in loincloths and plagiarizing a Disney scene. And no amount of friendly smiles and waves and baskets of fruit will make them ever look at you as a sane person again.

Who has a fetish about people dressing up in loincloths and plagiarizing Disney scenes anyway? I'm just wondering.

* * *

Your ex might be jealous of you for being happy when they still haven't gotten over you and are in a chronic state of depression and misery. They might resort to drastic measures, such as telling your current lover that they will "kill and eat your babies." Sound Mikami reminiscent, anyone? And no, for those sick minds out there. I never have, and I never will, go out with Mikami in any way, shape, or form. If he even attempts to ask me out, I am calling the police on rape right there at the scene. No excuses.

If YOU are a jealous ex, then please, do not resort to stalking your ex lover/their lover everywhere, and by all means, sign yourself in to the hospital if you have the sudden urge to take a frying pan to their/their lover's skull. I think that's a sign of some serious psychosis, and even if it's not, well, then you'll at least have confirmed that you aren't suffering from a terminal illness and don't need to be put on the "happy pills."

In order to save your relationship from the jealous ex/exes, please make sure that your partner has an understanding that they are not the first love of your life. They might be just the slightest bit offended for whatever reason, but reassure them that you really do love them. And then you can get rid of your ex/exes. Whether this involves you yelling and screaming at them for half a day, or whether it involves the two/more of you sitting down to coffee at your local Starbucks (it's always best to get these meetings in a public place, so that if they start to attack you, there will be other people there to defend you and call the police if need be) and explaining the whole situation.

However, if you still have residual feelings for your ex, then by all means, do NOT have sex with them! Or a one night stand. Or even indecent groping in a bathroom stall. No! You cannot do that! I mean, you're in a relationship now! And besides, if you did that, that would be considered cheating. So push them away (gently or not so gently, take your pick), hold them at bay (either with your arm or a twenty foot pole, depending on who you're dealing with) and calmly explain to them that you cannot engage in that type of activity anymore as you are currently occupied with another person. You should NOT tell your ex that you still have feelings for them, because this only encourages them and only causes them to push away your arm/the twenty foot pole and push you into the bathroom wall and start vigorously making out with you again. And that's kind of an awkward position to be in if your lover happens to enter said bathroom to find out what's taking you so long. I mean, it's not like you can look at them over your ex's shoulder with their hand down your pants, and smile, and say, "Um. Hi there. How's it going?"

Now, if it's your lover's ex that is attempting to break up the relationship, then you have every right to be jealous. But also be understanding, too. I mean, you'd want them to be understanding of you, right?

If the attempt gets extreme, such as the ex keying your car or your lover's motorcycle, and stalking him everywhere for months, then it might be time to call the cops and take out a restraining order on that bitch. Have no qualms about it. Those ladies, boy, are they vicious. I totally see why there aren't many lady judges. You know, because of the hormones and all that. A sudden rise in estrogen levels, the judge throws a mallet at the plaintiff, and she screams, "GET OUT OF MY COURTHOUSE!" without even bothering to read through the files. Something like that. (And don't get me started on Judge Judy.)

Basically, having a jealous ex that attempts to break up your happy relationship with your loved one sucks. Unless you don't actually love your current partner and were just waiting for a diversion so you could break up with them, then this is the perfect time! However, I am assuming that you love your current partner, so be understanding if the jealous ex comes knocking on the door. Hopefully your partner will be too.

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

Light and L kind of worked around the whole Misa thing. See, Misa was never really Light's girlfriend, he just gave her that kiss to shut her the fuck up. I swear, that girl's voice can get REAAAAALLLLYYY annoying, sometimes, and sometimes, I just wanted to pull out my gun and shoot her when I was tailing her all that time. So technically, Misa was Light's ex. Except it was never declared official, and he had to stay with the bitch sometimes just to fool her into doing his dirty work. Light should be a mafia boss. He'd be really good at it. Oh, wait. No. Because then Mello would kill him for being on his property, or his 'turf', as the hardcore gangstas like to call it.

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

You see, Light and Takada had a thing going. But Light and Misa also kind of had a thing going. So that's the whole reason behind the whole "Oh, you bitch! Light is gonna marry me! He loves me waaaaay more than you!" over that dinner thing that Takada hosted. In my opinion, both of them were acting childish, and both of them should have just moved on with their lives and found some other man whores to assault. But in the end, Light killed Takada anyway. You know, to collect life insurance. You know what it was? I bet he was collecting life insurance so he could start his own chip business. "Light chips, the best flavored chips in the world! We only come in one flavor, consomme!" What exactly IS consomme, anyway? I'm curious. But since I'm too lazy to Google it, why don't you nice people do that for me?

**AN EVEN WORSE EXAMPLE! X(**

Mikami is, of course, a very, very jealous ex. He could not stop stalking his exes (the ones he let survive, that is), and they never figured out that he was stalking them. I suppose that man blends right in. Although I somehow doubt that. Maybe all his exes were blind as bats and never saw it coming. By 'it,' I mean that during the months after Mikami had split with his ex/exes, several rapes were reported in the Kanto area of Japan, in dark alleys and such. I ran a database check, and I realized that all the raped people had been in a relationship with Mikami at some point or another. Now, if that is a coincidence, I'll eat my...I'll eat my DS. I was going to say hat, but I don't wear a hat. Silly me. :D

**PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

Mello had this one girlfriend named Mikaela, and OMFG, that bitch was SOOOOOOOO asking for it. So what was a guy like me to do? Since Mello clearly wasn't going to handle the situation (you know, those mafia bosses, always busy trying to take out another city block and use it for recreational purposes...like what, I wonder? Shooting old birdwatching grandmas? I think that's below him), I pulled out my pistol and shot the bitch. Several times. Like they pretend shot me in the anime. Boy, that stunt double must have really wanted to die a painful death. And therefore, she was dead. PROBLEM SOLVED! DA DA DA DA! SUPER MATT SAVES THE DAY ONCE AGAIN!

However, I highly advise that you do not use this method to solve the problem. You may just be convicted of murder. (I wasn't, though. Mello bribed the neighbors into keeping quiet. Well, I shouldn't say bribed, he more like held a gun to their heads and screamed at them not to tell.)

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	19. Bridezillas

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 18**

**"For Men/Doms: If/When Your Partner Turns Into a Bridezilla; For Women/Subs: If/When YOU Turn Into a Bridezilla."**

_(Author's Note: Friday there will be no post, as I am going to first see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince with my friends and then going to Magic Mountain the rest of the day. I'm meeting kevjumba!!! :D)_

Bridezilla (noun): A woman or submissive partner that turns into a complete and total bitch before the wedding, where everything has to go their way and they scream and hurt people if orders are followed incorrectly or ignored.

And don't even lie. If you are a woman/sub, this will happen to you, unless your partner is a total controlling and domineering person who will whip you back into silence. If you are a sub, then you probably enjoy this and most likely get off on it if you guys are into S&M. If you are a woman and DO NOT enjoy this, however, you pick up that phone and call the police and declare abuse on your partner's sorry ass.

Anyway, the topic of this lesson is not abuse. It is about Bridezillas.

* * *

Ahhh...marriage. That sweet, sweet word. NOT. If you are afraid of commitment, RUN AWAY NOW AND DO NOT LOOK BACK.

The weeks before the wedding are not all they are cut out to be, let me tell you. They are NOT full of sunshine and happiness, and they are certainly not full of sex. Why, you ask? Because your lover will be fussing over every little detail from the sash on the bridesmaids' dresses to the number of quiches we should have at the reception. I didn't even know Mello knew what a quiche was! Anyway.

The bride, first of all, seems to be in a constant state of PMS and shrieks whenever something does not go according to their perfect plan (and things tend to deviate from the common path quite a bit when you're held to a higher expectation, let me tell you). For instance, you'll be in the room playing Mario Kart and trying to beat that final level, and they'll stand in front of the TV, hands on hips, and scream that you "haven't been researching good ministers to marry us." Oh, no. I TOTALLY forgot about the minister, since it's only, oh, three months before our wedding! Ministers don't need to be reserved three months in advance, that much I know off the top of my head.

Oh, and by the way, if you are planning on having your friend be the minister, please do not inform your Bridezilla of this until he/she has calmed down sufficiently and does not have a weapon or heavy or sharp object clutched in their greedy little paws.

Now, for the guys: If you want information on how to deal with your Bridezilla for the next three or so months, you have come to the right place, my man! (Or lady, if it happens to be the case. I don't judge.) Right. Okay. So, just a few pointers: You must try your hardest not to anger the Bridezilla unnecessarily, however, this will happen quite frequently and you will be blamed for everything bad that goes wrong in their life, so try to be patient. You wouldn't want them calling off the wedding, not after you'd already set the plans and spent a quarter of a million dollars getting it ready (no refunds allowed). Indulge them as much as you financially can (for instance, buy them chocolate, but do not buy them a pet elephant because you probably cannot afford it and the damn animal will probably be carted off the premises an hour after you bring it home and then you'll be arrested for possession of an endangered species). Smile at them and cuddle them, unless they are giving off dangerous pheromones, in which case, you will not want to go near them in order to save some much needed body parts. But don't worry! It's only three long months or so until you can marry her/him and then you'll be all good! Hopefully.

Now, for the ladies: If you want to learn why your guy is so frustrated all the time with you in the months leading up to the wedding, you have come to the right place. To be frank, your partner is most likely pissed off from the lack of sex because you have been denying them any sexual activity and it has been them and their right/left hand for far too long. So have sex with them, for gods' sakes, and maybe they would stop shooting you those looks all the time! However, if your partner is not actually a complete sex fiend, then you might want to consider loosening up on the bitchiness meter just a bit, you know? Some people can't handle the pressure and will crack and slide to the floor of the kitchen one day while cooking, having spasms and babbling about how "burning the spam and eggs wasn't their fault." And then you'll have to go to the painstaking trouble of getting them to the ER, where they will declare him mentally unfit, so the wedding will be called off entirely and you will never be married. Unless, of course, you willingly marry yourself to a vegetable. So, see, if you don't pressure them as much to be completely perfect, they will not crack, you will be married to a non-vegetable, and in the end, it really all benefits you! So lay up on the poor guy!

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

Light and Misa did eventually get married, just so that the Japanese government would lower their taxes, and Light coped with Misa's bitchiness by leaving the house and getting together for an afternoon quicky with L. Misa raged on the house, Rem cleaned it up, and the house was brand new and sparkling clean by the time Light got back from his 'quicky' session. So, therefore, Light was not stressed out and Misa could let out her rage. Oh, the wonders of shinigami...it is far too bad that Mello did not have one. Far too bad.

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

See, Mikami's latest relationship was a complete and total failure (as usual, nothing new, there) but see, he killed the poor woman because she was getting so stressed out over the exact number of layers and tiers they were going to have on their wedding cake that he just up and wrote her name in the Death Note, and bang, she was dead, and Mikami smiled to himself and went off to do something nasty to the body....well, at least, that's what I assumed happened. I just read the case file and his pleading for insanity, which...got accepted....

**PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

See, I kept buying Mello chocolate whenever he would go on one of his Bridezilla rages, in order to prevent him shooting somebody or running somebody down. (Unfortunately, I couldn't prevent this all the time; my wallet does have a limit, you know...poor mafia cohort whose name I did not know. Mello gunned him down without warning in the middle of a meeting.) But I saved many innocent people from dying. Oh yes, I did.

Once again, Super Matt saves the day! DA DA DA DA!!!!

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	20. The Big Day

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 19**

**"The Big Day, Or, In Normal-People Speak, Your Wedding."**

_(Author's Note: This is not an interlude, but the next chapter will be as I know several of you reviewers will want to read some of the DN cast's wedding experiences. Enjoy! I am truly sorry for the long wait, I have been having...hormonal imbalances which cause me to lose my sense of humor. But we're all good now.)_

Ho-kay. So now that you've successfully managed to get past your Bridezilla (well, maybe you haven't, but...that's not really my problem), it's time for the big day. That's right. You wake up one morning, and you realize, "OMG, I'm getting married today."

And then, if you really are as pansyish as Near, you faint.

And don't wake up until after the wedding is already over. The wedding that YOU MISSED.

And that would really suck.

But let's hope you have a perfect, adorable, blue-birds-singing-in-the-trees wedding, right? Cross your fingers and hope to die if that perfect wedding doesn't happen. No, seriously. I mean it. If your wedding doesn't go absolutely perfectly, your bride/partner will be completely mad at you and blame it on you, so you'd better hope to die of cardiac arrest or have some random congestive heart failure or something like that.

* * *

1. So you had your bachelor(ette) party the night before, and you got completely drunk off your ass. You slept in the next morning, completely forgetting that you had a morning wedding. Then you wake up at seven at night, and check your phone, and see that you have 42 missed messages, all of them from your partner, and all saying the same thing:

"MATT, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!!!"

Yeah. If you didn't get that, intoxication the night before your wedding day (even if your wedding is in the evening!) is a big no no.

Like, you could still be hungover while saying your vows and proceed to projectile vomit all over your partner and the minister. And let's just say that throwing up the various contents of your stomach while at your wedding onto your partner's white suit does not go very well in the ways of getting you laid that night. Seriously.

Anyway.

2. Also, do not bring your cell phone or handheld electronic device of your choice to the wedding. It is one thing to get married and hear your phone ring in the middle of the service, but it is by far another thing to have your cell phone ring the Mario Theme Song while saying your vows. Just let me tell you the priest will stare at you and then burst out into laughter, and your partner will most likely tie you up and shove a bomb in your mouth that could detonate at any moment with one wrong move. At least, that's what I thought it could do. Not quite sure about the explosive qualities of said bomb just yet.

3. One thing: If you are feeling particularly frisky before the wedding, please alleviate that friskiness in the bathroom beforehand. You do NOT want to walk up the aisle and then stare at your partner with deep, longing eyes, then jump on them and start humping them. No, really. Just trust me on this one. I am convinced that Viagra was in that tonic I was given before the service started.

4. If you have hired a priest to join you and your partner in holy matrimony, please do not look at him, and then say, "Oh, my goodness! You're finally here! Hold on, let me go get my Tanks and Buffs, ok? I'll be right back, don't D/C on me!" In case you don't get this, World of Warcraft speak. Trust me, it's not really a good thing to do. Especially if you run out of the room to eagerly get back on your computer.

5. BTW, if you have a relative that tends to be rather obnoxious and/or obscene, do NOT, under any circumstances, invite them to the wedding. Because even if they manage to make it through the whole wedding ceremony without standing up and screaming, "I OBJECT! I OBJECT A MILLION TIMES TO THIS MARRIAGE!" then at the reception, they will DEFINITELY get drunk off their ass and tell your partner about all the embarrassing moments you have had in your lifetime, including the time when, in your drunken stupor, mistakenly felt up your pillow and made obscene gestures with it.

6. However, if there IS something preventing you from NOT inviting this relative of yours (mentioned in number 5, such as naked pictures of you that could be used as blackmail) then by all means, make sure that they are kicked out before the reception. Or tell the usher to kick them out. Or make sure that that relative is not served any wine/alcohol at your reception. Or, if there MUST be wine/alcohol, then slip something into this relative's drink. Preferably a very strong dosage of sleeping pills.

7. When cutting your wedding cake, if your hands shake quite frequently and violently, let your partner do the cutting. Otherwise you run the risk of hurting them very badly, and, in turn, being hurt very badly.

8. Also, when feeding your partner a bite of cake, don't miss their mouth. It's a good thing to have accuracy in these kinds of situations.

9. The money dance. Ah, good times. Basically, this is where your guests give you free money for your honeymoon if you dance with them. However, dancing with your little niece who has had one too many Shirley Temples may not be such a good idea if she randomly decides to throw up down your back after giving her a hug after the song ends. Also, if your creepy uncle decides to feel up your partner while doing the money dance with them, then please tell the DJ that the "regular dancing" is going to commence now, and drag your partner away from said uncle before someone gets killed and your partner gets jailed for homocide.

10. If you have any addictive habits, make sure not to exhibit them during the wedding. For instance, do NOT light up in the middle of saying your vows. See, you do NOT want to do this: "Okay. Let's see here. To Mello. I really, really love you, and I hope that we can - oh, hold on, I need to get a smoke first - now where was I?" Yeah. Not the most ideal way to prove your undying devotion.

11. It might also be nice to have some mints or Tic Tacs before the wedding. I can guarantee you that your partner does NOT want to have their first official kiss with you as a couple and taste the booze you had the night before.

12. In general, it is a bad, BAD idea to have a garden wedding, because first of all, you never know if a) it's gonna start pouring/snowing, or b) it's going to be sticky, really hot, and you will pass out from heat stroke right before you say "I do."

13. Choose your flower girl/ring boy carefully! For instance, if your flower girl has a huge tendency to scream and faint at the sight of an insect and a bee so happens to land on a flower, then...well, no more flower girl. Also, if your ring boy is suffering from a horrible case of ADHD and forgot to take his meds that day, then he WILL drop the ring, it will happen to roll under your partner's mother's dress, your ring boy will dive under the dress to get it, and she will beat him with her purse and storm off muttering about how "Matt's side of the family is a bunch of perverts and crack whores." And what's worse? If she just so happens to be right. I remember the days when my father used to run an ice cream store. Fun days. That is, before he decided that being a Chippendale's dancer was much more acceptable in society.

14. Do not invite your partner's homophobic brother to the wedding, as he will stand up in his chair/pew seat and scream at the top of his lungs, "YOU ARE GOING TO BURN TWICE IN THE SEVENTH LEVEL OF HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!" and make a dramatic exit. Which will, of course, ruin the entire ceremony, not to mention your partner will elbow you in the ribs and hiss, "Who the fuck told you to invite that dickwad?!" And the priest will faint and then, when he wakes up, he will sob about "how you were violating God's house" and kick you out of the church, which you will be banned from for the rest of your life. And...you really don't need the wrath of God on your shoulders, even if you don't believe in Him.

15. Showing up completely stoned to your wedding? HUGE no no.

16. Having someone substitute for you in your wedding: ALSO a huge no no

17. And perhaps the most important rule of all, make sure you DO show up for the wedding and do not employ the theory of reverse psychology. For instance, when the priest asks you, "And do you, Matt Jeevas, take this man, Mello Keehl, to be your holy eternal wife?", do NOT say, "I don't," in the hopes that your technique will work. Most likely, it will earn you a slap on the face. Several slaps.

Well, read the next chapter for another interlude on my and other people's wedding experiences, and above all, remember to come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	21. Interlude II

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Interlude II**

**"Wedding Experiences: The Good, The Bad, And the Ugly."**

Now, thankfully, Mello and I only had one wedding. Thank God. Well, actually he threatened me with complete and utter annihilation if I didn't get my act together on that day. So...you know me, not wanting to be completely and utterly annihilated, I did everything perfectly. Phew. And let me tell you, I have no idea how I managed to get through NINE hours of wedding and reception without going out the back door for a smoke. I honestly don't know...well, I didn't know until after the reception and Mello ripped this band-aid like thing off me and told me I had been on a patch for the last nine hours. And it HURT when he ripped it off. Good God, people would think wives were nice to their husbands, but that is not the case, let me tell you that right now.

However, other members of the Death Note cast have not had such good experiences, unfortunately.

* * *

**Wedding Experience: L and Light**

Duh. Of course. Anyone could have seen this coming, even if they were blind and turned the other way. Well, actually, L protested quite frantically to this wedding, but as Light had already proposed to him and L had said yes, there was really no going back. Because, of course, if L had said no, then Light might be suspicious of him and claim that he was only backing out of the wedding because HE (L) was Kira and didn't want to be fraternizing with the enemy, much less be married to the enemy. And, of course, L got all mad and frustrated that Light would even SUSPECT that he was Kira when he "was clearly not, as anyone with two eyes could see" and so the marriage commenced.

However, before the wedding even took place, L complained that his dress was too itchy, and ripped it off of himself, completely ruining his hair, and then walked out into the chapel wearing nothing but a white towel.

I mean, come on people! Let's have some decency!

Needless to say, the priest fainted and L's father (who had been intoxicated enough to agree to give his son away) screamed at Light that he was defiling and humiliating his son even more by making him go out in the chapel wearing nothing but a white towel, and how Light "forced his darling son into S&M and how this definitely proved that Light was a serial rapist wanting nothing more with their son than his pure, innocent body."

But somehow, they got married. I left before I could get fingers pointed at me. Knowing L's overprotective parents, they would probably take one look at me and scream that I was Light's accomplice and how the two of us should get jailed and burnt in the seventh level of hell.

* * *

**Wedding Experience: Light and Misa**

After the horrific wedding with L, Light decided that he would marry a girl for a change. You know, just to see if it would be a calmer wedding. Of course, L was not invited, because he probablywould have thrown not a few grains, but the ENTIRE BAG of rice at Misa and hope that it would give her a hemotoma and kill her. If you don't know what a hematoma is, it's like a very, very very serious concussion that could kill you.

Of course, it was NOT a calmer wedding, as the priest, upon seeing Light, fainted once more (because, see, it was the same priest. I actually attended this wedding because I was a...a groomsman, I think that's what they call them) and upon waking up, pointed at Light and screamed that he was a hedonistic Satanist Mormon who believed in polygamy and who probably wanted to have sex with his sister. Upon hearing this, Sayu took one look at Light and ran screaming out of the church.

And there were a WHOLE BUNCH of questions that Misa had for Light, which Light promptly avoided by saying, "Okay! Let's get on with this wedding, and afterwards, let's all get drunk!"

I believe I saw him secretly slip a tip to the priest and whisper something in his ear, something that probably went along the lines of, "Don't you dare tell her that I got married to L. Don't you DARE. Or I will find you, and kill you."

Now, little lesson: that's not a bribe, that's a THREAT.

* * *

**Wedding Experience: Light and Takada**

Fortunately, Light had the good sense of mind to ask for a different priest than the one that had married him to L and Misa. I was also forced to attend this wedding. And as they were about to kiss, Light looked at her lovingly, and then said, "Oh my dear, dear Takada. You have served me well."

Then he whipped out his Death Note, and scribbled her name in it. And BOOM! She dropped dead on the aisle, the priest fainted, and...weirdly enough, there was no L running out of some obscure place screaming, "AHA! I KNEW IT! YOU ARE KIRA!"

And then Light smiled evilly and said, "Right. The rest of you head on to the reception without me, I'm going to go get my cash. This is an unfortunate incident that I could not have predicted, and I must collect my life insurance so that Takada's life did not go to waste."

I am questioning the whereabouts of L. He's usually everywhere.

* * *

**Wedding Experience: Light and Mikami**

Poor, poor Light. As soon as Mikami saw Takada drop dead, he immediately ran up to the altar and screamed, "Oh, oh yes! This is perfect! Please, Kami, please let me be your bride and slave over your feet for all eternity! Let us create a perfect world together!"

At which point Light disgustedly pushed Mikami away and said, "Shall I have you punished for insubordination? I already have two spouses, I do NOT need a third one to cater to."

"Oh, no, Kami, I would cater to YOU! You would not have to satisfy any of my whims at all for I am but a tool for you to create your utopia!"

"Ehhh....that sounds nice, a personal caterer -"

"OH YES! LET ME! LET ME, KAMI! I WILL LICK YOUR SHOES CLEAN EVERY DAY!"

"But no."

"Kami?"

"No, Mikami. No."

And Mikami screamed and fell to his knees and started sobbing over the dead body of Takada, and when the paramedics came to collect the body, they instantly threw Mikami into handcuffs because they thought he was Kira and had killed her.

However, Mikami still sent letters to Light from prison, which made his parents believe that he was dating a felon, which made L and Misa angry. And poor Light was sad.

LOL.

* * *

**Wedding Experience: Near and Halle**

See, I have idea how this happened, being that Halle is at least a foot taller than Near, not to mention Near looks like a 12 year old, even though he's actually 17.

But it happened. I know. I went there.

And Near stood there at the altar, playing with his hair and a robot in his other hand, and the priest eyed him, eyed Halle, and then said, "Er...aren't you a little young to be married, boy?"

At which point Near had Giovanni shoot the priest, because apparently, that question was "suspicious."

So, neither Near or Halle got married, however, I still have to find out HOW they even got to the chapel in the first place under the assumption that they were getting married. Perhaps I can inject Near with a little truth serum later.

* * *

Right, well, I'm off to get some truth serum to inject Near with, I'm just dying to see how he proposed to (or how SHE proposed to) him/her.

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	22. Children and Pregnancy

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 21**

**"Pregnancy Through Chemicals."**

_(Author's Note: I'm sorry I've been gone for so long you guys! First my computer died on me (a hard drive issue), but I'll be getting it back soon since my dad has the disk to reboot it with. Secondly, I may not be able to update as much anymore as I am currently attending Torrey Pines High School, which = a really tough public school that is reputed for being a prep school = lots of homework. But I will try to update as much as I can. Please be understanding of me in these difficult times, yes? Thanks. And here's the children chapter, since many of you have been asking for it.)_

Before I start with the lesson, I must apologize for my extremely long and uncalled for absence. My laptop died when Mello shot a hole through it, claiming that I was spending too much time playing World of Warcraft and not spending enough time with him. Oh, those mafia leaders. You must be understanding of them, as many of them sold themselves into the mafia when they were children in order to pay off some unknown debt. Or maybe they didn't actually sell themselves into the mafia, maybe they willingly decided to join the mafia so that they could be in possession of a gun with which to kill people with. Or maybe they joined the mafia because they were bored. Or all of the above.

And another side note, involving the Near and Halle case: After some extensive research, threats of blackmail (threats, mind you, I could not find it in my totally not-unperverted self to take pictures of poor, defenseless, white little Near singing in the shower) and 200 milliliters of truth serum, I found out that Halle actually had a thing for little boys and desperately wanted to be married to Near, so that she could mother him, as he "clearly did not have enough mothering in the past." Now, I don't know what kind of wife would want to baby her husband, but...well, there's all sorts of people out there. It's a big world. And in answer to the question about why Near wanted the priest dead, let's just say that Near has had some bad experiences with the Catholic church in the past and didn't like the priests asking "irrelevant questions that did not pertain to the greater good of the business." (Please note that Mello is Catholic, and this may explain Near's great aversion to Mello.)

Okay. Enough. On with the lesson!

* * *

Before I begin, let me just say that it IS possible to get a guy pregnant and it IS possible to have a guy produce breastmilk. Well, I mean, the first option isn't possible unless the guy in question happened to be a girl in another time, but the second option is actually possible without the guy/girl getting a sex change. There was a study on it some time ago, and this guy had his nipples pinched with clothespins for like a month and then he produced breastmilk. I mean, I don't know about you, but having your nipples pinched with clothespins for a month doesn't really sound like a good time. Maybe this guy was a masochist or something. Who knows.

But also, there are a bunch of weird chemicals out there, some with rather...unwanted side effects, and let us just say for the time being that Mello was infected by one of these chemicals.

And the night after he was infected by this chemical, I had sex with him, he woke up the next morning, rushed to the toilet, threw up, and...well, he was pregnant.

He was really mad at me. I passed out on the floor. Before he even had a chance to start expressing his wrath. And when I woke up, I found that hole through my laptop.

So I'm writing this at L's. He has a bajillion computers to his access, and besides, Mello wouldn't attack me here. Not in the residence where his role model and mentor resides. At least, I don't think he will.

1. When your lover is pregnant, you must make sure to give them what they want. For instance, if they have a sudden craving for chocolate (no surprise there), then you make sure to go out and buy it for them or forever suffer their eternal wrath. And that's not good. Unless you're a masochist and get off from suffering a person's eternal wrath.

2. When your lover is pregnant, they will be cranky because they are are swollen up and bloated and can't fit into their favorite leather jeans any more. And they WILL seriously take offense when you offer to take them to a maternity store so they can pick out clothes. Basically, point is: Don't ask them to get maternity clothes if you don't want them to shoot at you. Let them go naked if that is what they desire.

3. Mood swings are NORMAL. I mean, one moment they can be all happy and be all, "Oh, Matty, how was your day? I haven't seen you in forever!" and the next moment they could be pushing you off the couch with a look of disgust and saying, "Get away from me, dipshit. Can't you see I'm trying to rest here?" Yeah, mood swings are normal, so don't get all depressed and stuff over it.

4. You can have sex with your lover when they're pregnant, but it's generally not advised, because if the pregnancy is late term, having sex could induce labor. Let me paint a scenario for you: "It's the middle of the night. You woke up amazingly horny and desperately wanted to have sex with something other than your hand. You turned to wake up your lover, and proceeded to bang him. You continued nailing him, thinking that his screams were screams of pleasure. And then he suddenly pushes you off him and says, 'The baby's coming.'" Yeahhh....you get blue-balled, AND you realize that your child is on the way fast. Not the greatest way to end a steamy late night romp. That never got finished.

5. It is generally advised to keep sharp objects and weapons away from your partner, especially if he does not want the baby. I mean, you know, those mafia leaders, they would probably cut out their own stomach if they didn't want the baby. And if you want the baby, keep those knives away from them! It would be in your favor if you did not allow guns to be near them as well, in order to keep you and your baby safe from harm. Of course, those mafia leaders are constantly around guns, so you may want to inform the mafia cohorts that due to a recent change in plans, said mafia leader will not be able to actively participate in gaining turf for the next nine months or so. And then quickly depart the headquarters before they figure it out and shoot you for "defiling their precious leader."

6. No matter how many weird looks you get when you rush your partner to the hospital (you know, it's not like you see a pregnant male everywhere these days), take them to the hospital. Don't even think about attempting to deliver the baby yourself, because chances are, you will FAIL and pass out halfway through the delivery. (This experience is not actually mine, but another member of the DN cast, as you will see in the example.)

7. If however, you decide to disregard number six altogether, then when the neighbors come complaining, tell them that your partner is giving birth and then slam the door in their face. (This may not work if your neighbors are completely old fashioned and believe that the baby is a deed of Satan, in which case they will attempt to break down the door, actually succeed, and then prance around your partner tossing Communion wafers up into the air and chanting verses from Genesis. In some weird attempt to exorcise the baby.)

8. Prep before your partner goes into labor unexpectedly. By prepping, I mean, have like your insurance cards ready and have all the furniture for the baby's room (like a crib, a mobile with different models of pistols dangling off it, mini tight leather pants for junior, etc.)

9. NAMING YOUR KID IS A BIG DEAL. YOU DO NOT, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT, WANT TO NAME YOUR KID MORON, BECAUSE THAT IS THE NAME THEY WILL CARRY WITH THEM FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE. (Unless, of course, they decide to change it in a court of law. And yes, somewhere in the world, there is a kid named Moron. I pity him. Or her.)

10. And above all, make sure you take home the right kid. It would be a real shame if you got home, unwrapped the bundle, and saw that your kid had no hair and slits for eyes, when in reality the kid you saw your partner deliver had a nice head of blonde hair and blue eyes. (And then, upon your partner discovering this phenomenon, you will instantly be tied up and accused of having relations with Voldemort and letting Voldemort possess your penis. I wasn't actually aware that Mello was into the Harry Potter series. Then again, I wasn't aware that he read Gossip Girl either.)

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

Light and Misa had an adorable little girl baby, whom they named Sarah. Light indulged Misa throughout her pregnancy, took her to a hospital to deliver, named their daughter a sensible name, and brought home the right kid. Everything was going smoothly for a while, that is, until L found out about this. Then he promptly accused (on no grounds of evidence) that Light was Kira and that Misa was most definitely the second Kira, and they were probably raising Sarah in an "attempt to make their life seem like a good suburban life to cover up all the Kira-ness underneath it." And of course, Light, not wanting to drive Misa into postpartum depression and wanting to keep having great sex with L, promptly shut up L with a promise of bondage in their next sex session. And L left them alone. (It's amazing how easily he's thrown off the scent of suspicion. THIS is the person Mello wants to be? Seriously.)

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

There was a point in time in which Mikami was pregnant. Now, I'm going to tell you that I do not know how Mikami got pregnant, but that there are several theories to how he got pregnant floating around, the least racy of which is that "he humped Light when Light was sleeping and having a wet dream."

And yes, it WAS Light's kid. I think everyone was shocked when Mikami delivered and they took the baby's blood and did a paternity test off it's DNA, and found out that the kid was Light's. L was positively heartbroken, and Misa, well, Misa didn't really care, which drove L to accusing her of "being an emotionless husk, which definitely makes you the Second Kira!"

Light didn't know how it happened, and instead just stared at Mikami, who, for all his joy, could not make up an excuse as to how it happened.

See, this is a bad example because, as we all SHOULD very well know, it is a good idea to tell your partner/the person that got you pregnant that you are pregnant. Even if said person doesn't recall having sex with you and might have had it unconsciously.

**PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

When L was pregnant with Light's kid (wowzers, all these kids seem to be Light's, the guy must be GETTING AROUND!), Light indulged him all he could. He even went so far as to say "Yes, dear, I am Kira" when L accused him of being Kira. I mean, you don't need to indulge yourself that far, you don't need to tell your partner that you are a mass serial killer with the intention of killing everyone to make a utopia just to indulge them, but...well, let's just say that took a lot of dedication from Light. And, somehow, with all the pregnancy hormones going around, L completely forgot about Light being Kira the next day and just smiled sweetly at everybody. NOT.

Well, he did forget about Light being Kira. But he wasn't all sunshine and happiness, I'll tell you that right now. Yeesh. You've never seen a pregnant man with so many complaints...

Well, then again, YOU probably have never seen a pregnant man. Well, how unfortunate for you. You have not lived your life to the fullest then.

You will know you have lived life to the fullest when you see the day when pregnant men can walk down the avenue and not have their gender questioned.

Anyway, got to go now. Gotta go take care of my kid, as the Big Bad Mafia Leader has taken to terrorizing him again.

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	23. Interlude III

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Interlude III**

**"Les Enfants des Light/The Children of Light"**

_(A/N: You're probably really tired of hearing me apologize by now....LOL. Anyway, hard drive is fixed, so I'm back. Of course, this doesn't mean I'll be updating every day because the shitload of homework is unbelievable.)_

Mello and I had...or, I should say, have, because Mello has not yet succeeded in annihilating "the little cretin who steals my chocolate" yet. Of course, said little cretin is, perhaps, the most adorable thing in the world: My beautiful little son, whom I promptly christened Mattello before Mello could object. You know, he was too tired with the whole delivery thing and all that, I suppose. I mean, it sure was tiring for me, and I wasn't the one pushing a kid out my ass.

-.- Of course, Mattello didn't actually come out of Mello's ass, or Mello would have had to have several inches of his bowel removed and as a result have to wear a colonostomy bag for the rest of his life.

Babies come out the point of entry. I learned THAT in grade school.

Hey. They don't call me a genius for nothing, you know.

* * *

**Child Experience Numba One: Light and L**

Now before I mention anything about these two and their love lives, I would just like to say that I must decline from telling you about Mello's and my parenting lives. I am under threat of getting my hacking laptop taken away, and Mattello's life hangs in the balance. Or, well, at least his toy mobile does. I've said too much already.

Anyway. Did you know there's like a brother/sister/sibling of some weird alien species fic on this site? It's called Near's Guide to High School by MRegent.2 and Pangie. In their story, however, (which is COMPLETELY inaccurate) I am the one giving birth to Mattello Skyskater Keehl (who the hell gives someone a name like Skyskater anyway...did you know that's a game on Facebook???) and...I also happen to be dead and rotting with bits and pieces falling off of me at random times. I suggest if you want to read something completely insanely and that involves a lot of mass rapeage, please go and read that.

OKAY. Now we're moving on to L and Light's parenting skills...or lack thereof.

Their first child (yes, they had multiple children) was named M. Don't ask why, because I don't know. Well, there was a whole conspiracy theory going on after M's birth that suggested that she was conceived through the use of M&Ms. Green M&Ms in particular. I always knew those green ones were the evil ones. With M, L and Light decided to feed her with pizza and cake, even though any SENSIBLE person can see that feeding a child on only pizza and cake is not good for their immune system and runs them a risk of getting diabetes or getting morbidly obese at the age of 3 or something. Then again, L is like, anorexic, but he eats a lot of cake so I might be contradicting myself here. Whatever. Point is, M did NOT inherit L's fast-metabolism-that-only-pertains-to-cake gene and did become morbidly obese at the age of 3, which led L to scream at Light that "you most definitely are Kira, you sadistic bastard!" which then led to M crying and running to her "Auntie" Mello, who gave her chocolate. -.- Do you see my point here? She's getting fatter by the second!

Their second child was named N. I seriously think they're trying to get through the whole alphabet. They certainly are copulating like they're attempting to. First of all, N looked nothing like either of them, which led L to believe that Light was cheating on him, and which led Light to believe L was cheating on him (like he cared, I mean, the guy's got, like, multiple children spread all over Japan!). And then they discovered that the real N had been kidnapped away from the hospital because he was believed to be an endangered baby panda bear cub who had been lost in the suburbs, and L took major offense to that.

I would go into all the children of L and Light, but let's just say that if I did, this chapter would be at least 200 pages long and filled with the horrible parenting skills of the two of them. I mean, seriously, it's almost like they can't read or something. Those babies have bracelets with their FULL NAMES on them, I'll have you know!

And of COURSE the world's greatest detective was too bothered with trying to read a law manual to conclusively prove that Light was Kira while attempting to set the world record for eating cheesecake to READ HIS CHILD'S NAMETAG. Of course.

* * *

**Child Experience Numba Two: Light and Mikami**

If you will remember in the previous chapter, there was that whole scandal with Mikami getting pregnant and delivering Light's kid. Now, sad to say, that baby came to a horrible fate, because Mikami, being the perfectionist that he was, believed that he was imperfect and that, since Light was perfect, he could not bring himself to taint the image of God. And that horrible fate was.......being given to an orphanage. DUN DUN DUN.....

Haha, okay, I bet you were all thinking that Mikami was going to do something horribly graphic like rape the baby, and then throw its dismembered body into the river. No...he would NEVER do that.

I'm still trying to get the image out of that one dead baby out of my head.

Mikami has issues. It is a law, it should be written down in a book of law, and Mikami should not be allowed to be a prosecutor because he is only causing harm to himself and others. I think Mikami may have been sexually abused as a child...although if I were an adult faced with a young Mikami, I would not lay a hand on him.

* * *

**Child Experience Numba Three: Light and Misa**

You remember Sarah from the previous chapter, yes? Well, if you don't...go back and reread it. It is truely unfortunate that Sarah managed not only to fail to get Light's supersmart genes, but it is also truly unfortunate that even though both parents had somewhat good looks, she managed to turn out completely ugly. Light locked himself up in his room for three whole days to cry about this. My goodness. What a drama king. And of course this happens to be the same person who actually hatched a plan to rule the entire world and carried it out almost successfully....Next thing ya know, the chimpanzees will be trying to take over the world using nothing but yesterday's newspapers and corduroy vests.

* * *

**Child Experience Numba Four: Light and Matsuda**

I prefer you not ask how I know this, but let's just say that I was invited to the birthing. Well, no, I wasn't even invited, persay, I was just frantically called for help by Light: "Get over here NOW, Matt! You're the only one that I can trust with this grave situation!" So I went over, being the goodnatured fellow that I am, and what do I see? I see Matsuda in a kiddie pool in the center of Light's living room, I see the various members of Light's family lying strewn across the floor passed out in a dead faint, and I see Light wringing his hands and watching Ryuga Hideki (the celebrity) on TV as the epic conclusion of the series came about.

So I promptly went over to Light and asked him what the situation was. When he didn't respond, I merely sat down beside him and watched the rest of the TV show with him.

When the ending credits started playing, Matsuda started screaming at us to "come over and help the fucking pregnant man give birth to a new life." Okay, now, see, Matsuda does weird crap like that all the time, like getting into a kiddie pool completely dressed in the middle of someone's living room, so that's why I completely ignored him.

And then Light got up and started to try and deliver the baby himself.

Me: "Hey, Light, whatcha doing?"  
Light: "Delivering the baby, what's it look like?"  
Me: "I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to stick anything up there...."  
Light: "I took a class on this kind of shit! And what would YOU know?"  
Me: "You took a class on delivering babies? What are you, a midhusband in training? And I play Caduceus, thanks, women go into labor all the time in that game..."

Please let it be noted that at this point Light jabbed something inside Matsuda very hard with some sort of medical tool turned weapon, Matsuda screamed, and the water was red like at the scene of a shark attack. But without the shark. Unless through some odd means Light was part shark and Matsuda was delivering a half shark, half human being?

Well, Light's being part shark would definitely explain the short attention span.

And then, as the blood was gushing out, Light took one look at it and passed out.

I find this pretty ironic. This is the same guy that got shot like twenty times at the end of the anime. If he got shot like twenty times and passed out at the sight of blood, wouldn't he have passed out from Matsuda shooting his hand???

Or maybe he did but Ryuk was using him as a puppet so he looked like he was conscious when he really wasn't.

And let it be known that it was at this moment that I decided to leave.

* * *

**Child Experience Numba Five: Light and Near**

I BEG of you not to ask when the hell these two would ever have had time to copulate. Because I, sincerely, do not know.

Let us just say that somehow Near got pregnant, delivered a child who looked like an albino Light, and promptly passed the child off to Halle, who took it into her arms and began to mother it.

* * *

Anyway, I am really glad to be back, people, even if this laptop did cost a fortune to get fixed. They don't reimburse you for bullet holes in your laptop, you know!

But I gotta get going. Mattello needs his bath, and, knowing Mello, he'll attempt to bath Mattello in a boiling cauldron over a fire if I don't get there in time.

Well, come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!

* * *


	24. The Mikami Trial

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 24**

**"What You Should Do If Your Lover Is Psycho (aka prime Mikami brethren)"**

_(A/N: I desperately need suggestions for new chapters, otherwise MGTLDAM shall die a horrible tragic demise. Please please please suggest something (make sure it is actually relevant to Love, Dating, or Marriage, or...Parenting. A title change is in order.))_

If your lover is psycho, which I really hope is not the case (unless you like the whole I'm-having-relations-with-a-serial-rapist gig), then this chapter is just for you!

Well, actually, for all the normal people who are in normal relationships, this is the chapter where you get to laugh your ass off at Mikami.

Because I think that we can all (unanimously?) agree that Mikami was made to be made fun of. Or maybe that was Matsuda.

Oh, whatever. This is the chapter where you can all laugh your ass off at Mikami (unless you are a diehard Mikami fan, in which case, please skip over this chapter).

* * *

If your lover is insane (or should I say mentally challenged to be more politically correct? I don't know, I was never good at politics) then I sincerely suggest that if you truly love them, you do not leave them but instead get them some professional help. You know, therapists are always good. Unless your partner has a fear of 'the rapists.' In which case, get them a psychologist or psychiatrist. It's not like you can break those two professions up into other provocative scary words. 'Psy chi a trist?' It just doesn't work out. Unless you mean a Psyduck who is totally into Chinese chi and likes a good trist every now and then. Whatever a trist is. (BTW, if you don't know what a Psyduck is, you truly have had a deprived childhood.)

And yes. I am proud to admit that I still enjoy Pokemon. Nothing like a good "I choose you, Pikachu!" to lighten up your day.

Mikami, however, is another case altogether. I mean, he's so far out there that he's not even on the same scale as an outlier. He's on a whole different scale altogether.

I believe that this whole history of being a sexual offender and such started when he was a child. I mean, I guess his parents were pedophiles or something and just had sex with each other so they could produce him so they could touch him. Wouldn't it just be a lot easier to adopt?? Well, whatever. Maybe they turned pedophile after they had sex with each other or something.

If you do not believe that Mikami is really, truly insane, then I suggest we have a review of his offenses, some caught on tape and some seen by unfortunate members of the DN cast or by innocent bystanders.

**Example 1**: The BDSM chamber that is oh so prominent in Mikami's simple dwellings. I know. I saw it on video chat. And okay, people, I'm not a pervert or anything, my webcam was BROKEN and refused to be turned off.

**Witness 1**: Light Yagami.

Me: "Light, do you believe Mikami Teru to be completely and utterly insane?"  
Light: "Well, I mean, I don't want to point the finger of blame at someone who supports me..."  
Me: "Oh, Light, don't be so noble. Just say what you think. Seriously. It's not like this is going on national TV or anything."  
Light: "Mikami is the most insane person I have ever seen in my life. He got pregnant with MY kid, and I don't even know how he got pregnant with it!"

The segment was aired on Japanese National TV within the week.

**Example 2: **I ran that database way back in Chapter 18, which showed that all of Mikami's exes had been raped at some point in their lives after breaking up with Mikami. And is it just a coincidence that they had all been in a relationship with Mikami? I think not! FORSOOTH! (I don't actually know what forsooth means, I just wanted to say it. It sounds Old English-y and cool.)

**Witness 2: **L, also known as L Lawliet

Me: "So, L, what are your feelings on Mikami's mental status?"  
L: "Well, it is clearly obvious that the man is insane."  
Me: "Do explain."  
L: "Well, first of all, it is clearly shown on TV in which those incriminating words were captured that he enjoys drinking plain black coffee with no sugar or cream. Such a man MUST be insane."  
Me: "Well said, L, well said."

**Example 3: **Chapter 19 - Mikami gets stressed out over his relationship with an unknown, unnamed woman and kills her because she was being too fussy over the amount of layers and tiers they were going to have on their wedding cake, and probably went off and did something nasty to the body. And then he pleaded insanity, which got accepted.......wait. If he's insane, why isn't he in a mental institution yet????

**Witness 3: **Matsuda

Me: (well, shit, I knew I never should have asked Matsuda to be on the witness stand; he's probably gonna say something stupid. But oh no. The big bad Matsuda, who shot Light at the climax of the series, just had to be part of this.) "So! Matsuda! Have you any thoughts on Mikami?"  
Matsuda: "He should have better eating habits; I mean, all he does is like 'Sakujo! Sakujo! Sakujo!' all the time and he's wasting away to nothing! I think he has some serious psychological issues because he is clearly anorexic, and anorexia is a severe mental disease that causes early life osteoporosis and can involve the loss of skeleton and muscular tissue, and, furthermore, can cause the loss of menstrual periods, which, as we all know, is an important part of a girl's life."  
Judge: "Well, I never knew that the witness was so skilled on the topic of anorexia."  
Me: "Mikami isn't a girl, you know that, right, Matsuda?"

Pause.

Matsuda: "What was the question again?"

**Example 4: **Being accused of killing Takada (THAT should have landed him behind bars if nothing else) and forcing himself on Light who already had two spouses (well, three, technically, because Takada had just been recently deceased).

**Witness 4: **Near aka Nate Rivers

Me: "So, Near, you're a smart kid. Do you believe this man, Mikami Teru, should be sentenced to life behind bars?"  
Near: "In light of the recent death of Michael Jackson, I do believe that Mikami Teru should not be sentenced. I think he is a 5 year old boy living within a 30 year old's body, and he has psychological issues that make him believe that the entire thing is a slumber party. Therefore, he has mental issues and should be sent to a mental institution."

I strongly believe that Near was saying this on prejudice of the fact that Mikami bought him a new set of Legos before the trial. Wait. Wasn't Near the one who convicted Mikami and caused him to drive a pen into his art, causing a spray of arterial blood???

**Example 5: **Having sex with Light and bearing his baby, which Light did not know about and probably did not want, which makes that rape.

**Witness 5: **Mello aka Mihael Keehl

Me: "Mello, you will agree with me that this man is insane, right?"  
Judge: "NO PREJUDICING THE WITNESSES!"  
Mello: "Shut the fuck up, bald, white-powdered-curly-haired-wig-wearer!"  
Judge: "BAILIFF! GET THIS MAN OUT OF MY COURT!"  
Me: "Hold on! Hold on! Let's just see what the guy has to say!"  
Mello: "I completely and wholeheartedly agree that Mikami is insane. And I would be the first on the firing squad to kill him."  
Judge (after moments of conferring with the jury): "Should we agree that the witness is also insane himself?"

Me and Mello: "WHAT?!"

Judge (hitting gavel against pallet): "I SHALL HAVE NO SHOUTING IN THIS COURTHOUSE! OUT OF MY SIGHT, BOTH OF YOU!"

And then Light, who was, for once, on our side, wrote furiously in his Death Note that on January 23, at 1:41 PM, said judge would make the jury declare Mikami guilty, said judge would fire Mikami's attorney (yesss....one point for the prosecution!), and then would randomly die from a champagne cork flying through the window of the courthouse and hitting him in the head, giving him a severe concussion, which caused him to fall to the floor and break his neck.

And therefore, Mikami is guilty.

We, the prosecution, are. Irrefutably. And. Undeniably. Awesome.

But really, people, if your partner is mentally challenged and you truly love them, seek professional help for them. You do NOT want to drag them to court and prosecute them as we did just now. Sorry. That was a bad example.

Well, this great victory over the prosecutor himself has given me a headache. I must go and lie down.

(And, for future reference, Mattello has gorgeous silky blonde hair and lovely blue eyes. He is like Mello reincarnate. Except without the leather pants and the pistol and the half burned off face and the bob cut. Leather is soooo hard to get off when a diaper change is called for.)

Anyway, come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice, and above all, remember to give me some more suggestions, whether in a PM or a review!

Thanks :D

Matt, signing off


	25. The Children

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 25**

**"Meeting the Children"**

_(A/N: You know, I just think this is kinda funny....I've never been in like a super serious relationship and yet somehow I can write about all this...and apparently it's accurate, too, if orochimarusbadgirl's boyfriend is following it and it's working.......Well, have any of the rest of you tried this? Has it worked for you? I'm curious to know.)_

Now, everyone already knows the mainstream Death Note characters and their personalities (Misa's stupid, Matsuda's...weird, Mikami is on a whole other scale altogether, L is insane, etc. etc.), but as we all have kid(s) now, one of our dear reviewers suggested it would be nice to write a chapter about our children.

Well, I mean, of course I'm not going to go into depth about all of L and Light's illegitimate children together, because...well, that would take too long (they're still copulating, they've gotten through the entire alphabet, and are now considering making double letter-names: For example: AA, BB (except L has a furious hatred toward BB, so I think that one's out of the question) CC, etc.)

I can't speak for everyone, but I KNOW for a fact that my darling little boy is adorable. No matter how many times he's pressed the escape button while I'm working on a huge hacking project into one of the world's largest companies. I still love him.

Thank God I'm more patient than Mello. If Mello had been the hacker, he probably would have shot my poor Mattello without giving him a second thought. And Mattello would be gone. T.T

Well, okay. Mattello is still very much alive, happy, and fat, so let's move on with the lesson!

* * *

**L and Light's Children (or a few of them at least)**

When I called Mattello fat, he is, in fact, very anorexic compared with L and Light's kid M. If you don't remember M, she's the morbidly obese kid, aged 3, who was possibly conceived through the use of green M&Ms.

Mattello's fat is baby fat. M's fat is...well, it's...unique. Let's leave it at that.

If you have ever seen a truly round person, then squish that roundness into a little ball with a height of 2.5 feet, and you'd get M.

N, on the other hand, actually looks freakishly like L. You know, the whole really pale skin, the circles under the eyes, the messy black hair, etc. etc, so it was clearly obvious why the local zoo would think that N was an endangered panda bear cub. I don't know why L gets so offended about the whole thing. I mean, if he didn't want his kid to look like a panda, he should have gone out in the sun more! Vitamin D is good for you and also gives you a really nice tan :D.

And O, well....let's just say that O has already inherited the hunched back of L himself. He kinda looks like a little old man in a baby's body. I'm just waiting for him to start picking up one of those bubble pipes, putting on a beret, and screaming for "Watson!" (If you don't know what a bubble pipe is, it's one of those pipes that blows bubbles...it's REALLY cool).

Let's skip through the alphabet all the way to X.

X, such as his name, really enjoys playing with L and Light's toys. And by toys, I don't mean Legos. I mean SEX TOYS, not too unlike the one's Mikami brought over to Light's house wayyyy back in Chapter 2 for Valentine's Day.

God. L and Light are such bad parents. I mean, who leaves sex toys out in plain view for their kids, and the world, to see? Who does that? Well, that would be L and Light: the world's greatest detective and the man trying to take over the world's greatest detective.

* * *

**Light and Misa**

Sarah. A good, Christian name. Or Jewish. Or both. I don't know. Maybe they named her a Kiraist name because Kira was created into a religion or something like those Jedi people in Australia.

However, as discussed in the previous two chapters, Sarah has not inherited the intellect of Light (too bad! She got Misa's genes on that one), nor has she inherited either parent's good looks. (And I say Misa is attractive because from a certain distance and angle she looks like Mello. With pigtails.) And, as you will remember, Light locked himself in his room for three days to moan and wail about the whole misfortune of the thing. At which point, he proceeded to furiously bang L and to make more endangered panda bear cubs, hunchbacked children, perverts, and obese kids at top speed.

I mean, it's kind of hard to believe that Misa was even a part of the whole Kira shibang. I mean, that girl would forget her name in a heartbeat, and yet Light chose her to help him with his Kira scheme. No wonder the event failed. It was ALL her fault. Believe me. It was ALL her fault.

* * *

**Light and Mikami**

As I told you, Light is getting around. I'm not even joking. As one reviewer so bluntly stated, "Maybe he's trying to take over Japan with his spawn." And maybe he is. Maybe he is. That would be a good, deviating plan, and not many people would suspect it.

On a random topic, did you know Pharaoh Ramses the III of Egypt had over a hundred kids or something like that? Maybe Light's trying to become the Ramses of 2000. Ramses 2.0.

But I also find it ironic that there's a brand of condom named after Ramses.

Okay. Whatever. Moving on.

As you SHOULD remember if you have actually been reading this story, Mikami was pregnant with Light's kid at some point in time, and Light did not know how it happened. There were several controversial statements made about Mikami's pregnancy, and some of the more creative ones include:

A. He humped Light when Light was sleeping and having a wet dream (actually, this is the least obscene of them all, stated by Matsuda).  
B. He inpregnated himself with Light's semen after breaking into a sperm donor clinic and killing everyone in there.  
C. He had another person get pregnant with Light's kid, and then in late term, had the woman killed and the baby transferred over to his body (this may explain why he suddenly became fat and why there was no gradual change in his physique until that time).  
D. He had wild, passionate sex with Light when Light was drunk and could not comprehend what was going on.  
E. He dressed up as Ryuuzaki and got into an obscene sexual position complete with spreader bars, handcuffs, and a bowl of buttercream frosting (Like I said, Mikami has an unhealthy fetish with buttercream). And Light fucked him, believing he was Ryuuzaki, but then, when it was over, he instantly suspected something because apparently "L had never liked buttercream from the start." But I mean, it was too late then. The stuff was already in Mikami, and it's not like Light would go and get a shovel and dig it out. -.- The thing that makes me wonder a lot about this is, if this choice actually happened, why didn't Light kill Mikami???

Anyway. Point is, Mikami gave birth to Light's kid, everyone was surprised, and Ryuuzaki and Misa were very mad and refused to have sex with Light for days. And Light went off to the Time Out Corner and was repentant.

The child went to the orphanage, and...I don't know where it is now. Thankfully Mikami did not rape it and throw it into the river as he has been prone to do with other human specimens that could easily have lived a long and full life had they not strayed across Mikami's path.

* * *

**Light and Matsuda**

I am truly sad to say that Light and Matsuda's child did not combine the two intellectual genes of Matsuda and Light, but instead, reverted completely and became stupider than both of them. And to be stupider than Matsuda is a real accomplishment.

Or a real crime...

Personally, I think it's due to the whole Light stabbing Matsuda with a medical tool turned weapon after watching the epic climax of the Ryuga Hideki series. That show is so dramatic. I can see why Light of all people watches it. (You know, after watching the series and running a database on the Kira crimes, I realized that Light is actually planning out his utopia according to the TV show...talk about unoriginal.)

* * *

**Light and Near**

Because neither of them could come up with how they had conceived the baby (I mean, the only scene they were together in was that one epic scene where Matsuda shot Light and Light did NOT pass out even though he clearly has an aversion to blood...unless there's technology out these days that allows someone to get pregnant through voice mics? I'm so far behind), they gave it to Halle, who named it A-Light (you know, short for Albino Light).

* * *

**Me and Mello**

As you will know by now, we have an adorable little son named Mattello. (I named him that :D). And you know what? Mello says it's a stupid name (obviously) but it's acceptable because it sounds like Nutella, that lovely brand of hazelnut chocolate spread that he enjoys devouring with French toast.

In order to go into more detail about Mattello, he has lovely blond hair and blue eyes (courtesy to Mello), and he is actually somewhat smart. And a little bit violent, too. I keep telling Mello that he's giving Mattello a bad influence by polishing his gun and firing off blanks around him. Poor kid. But Mello says that he's raising Mattello to be the head of a mafia one day (oh, how children follow in their parent's footsteps).

But me, personally, I want Mattello to be happy, whether he be in the mafia or not be in the mafia. Although it would make me very proud if someday he actually managed to hack into the White House compter system. While in the mafia. Then he would please both me and Mello. And all would be good in the world.

Come to think of it, I've actually been teaching him some basic programming codes using those magnets on the fridge. He seems to enjoy it. Mello says I'm spoiling him and giving him no education at all (as if polishing his gun in front of him and firing target rounds around the poor kid is gonna teach him how to win a Nobel Peace Prize), but I think that if Mattello could hack into the White House operating system, then he could drain all the funds from it and transfer them over to us! And then me and Mello could retire early...but...Mattello would be a wanted man...

Unless I teach him to cover his tracks!

Yes. I can so see this happening. Me and Mello will be on a deserted island in the middle of the Caribbean ocean, sipping margaritas and letting the waves lick our toes...

Except we don't have internet there. But I could set up a wireless router and steal Internet access from a nearby island. Or something like that.

And we would be rich and live happily ever after. :D

Uh oh. I gotta go. Mello's threatening Mattello again. This time it has something to do with "I'm going to shoot you in the fucking head until you don't have a fucking drop of blood left in you."

'Tis truly amazing, Mello's way of motivation. -.-

Anyway, off to save my son.

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	26. Insensitive Lovers

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 26**

**"Idiotic Insensitive Lovers. Or Inmates, If You Want To Make An Alliteration."**

_(A/N: So sorry, I haven't been doing the Bad Example, Good Example, Perfect Example, lately. Well...I think it's because the past few chapters haven't warranted them. But they are coming back. And sorry if I'm doing the guide out of order. But...I think we should all agree that they are good things to know in a relationship...right?)_

Now, I am assuming you really do love your partner to the ends of the earth. And if you don't, well, then, um...find a new one. Or something. Or get a concubine! You know, like those old Chinese lords, they had like five wives and then twenty concubines or something like that, and the concubines generally were pretty and gave the old Chinese lords all their sexual favors, and the wives were, in general, rather ugly.

I think you can still practice concubinism in Utah. Or maybe that's polygamy. Isn't Utah the state where you can legally get married to your second cousin if you're older than 65?

Well, whatever. If you aren't totally satisfied with your lover (and who is!), get your concubine today! Do it today, because it might be illegal tomorrow! Call the number at the bottom of this screen and order yours...TODAYYYYYY.

I think I've been watching too many Shamwow commercials.

* * *

Has something totally horrible ever happened in your life? Well, I'm sure something has. If nothing terrible has happened in your life, you must truly be a privileged child surrounded by a little bubble of warm protective love.

Most of us have had our bubbles burst at an early age. We are poor souls, and should be pitied majorly.

Well, okay. Let's say your dog died or something, right? So you were all sad and crying and moping around the house because your dog was one of your best friends and companions in the world, and then they died. (If you didn't have a pet, or a dog, then just...let's just replace said pet with one of your friends. That you actually like.) And then your lover comes home from a long day of shooting people and raiding old lady's houses (or whatever their occupation may happen to be.) You're a little comforted, right, because they're home and you're sure that they'll hold you in their arms and bring you warm soup and comfort you about the death of your recent pet/friend.

They walk in the room.

They sit down next to you.

And then, they open their mouth. Here comes that moment....

"Hey, bitch, go make me a sandwich."

I...I can't go on. This is too painful for me to recall.

For further general information, let's just say that the night ended with him screaming at me that "the bread was bad," and "why the fuck is your dog lying around in the hall?!" And I went to my room and cried for the rest of the night. And did he do anything? Of course not!

Well, actually, maybe the only good thing he did was that he got my dog's body, and drove off with it somewhere. I don't know where, but he didn't come back with it. So I think he buried it. Which is good.

But what worries me is that the next morning they found some dog bones in an old warehouse along the pier. But they couldn't find the rest of the dog. I hope that wasn't MY Cupcake....(I would've changed her name after I found out about the whole Mikami incident with the buttercream frosting and red velvet cupcakes, but...she was already responding to it.)

* * *

Now THAT, my friends, is a true example of a seriously insensitive lover.

When your lover is feeling down, you should comfort them, nurture them, tuck them in at night with a bedtime story, but you certainly do NOT want to go around yelling at them to make you a sandwich. Or burning their dog/deceased pet.

Thankfully, this was BEFORE Mattello, otherwise...Mattello could've seen some graphic violence that would have scarred the inside of his poor innocent eyelids forever.

* * *

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

So Light was tired after a long day at work and a long day of arguing nonsensically with Misa, trying to get to the agreement that 2 + 2 did indeed equal 4.

He came home, and he comes upon L sleeping on HIS side of the bed.

"Oh, no, he diiiiiddn't!"

And let's say that Light shoved L off his side of the bed and promptly went to sleep, while L stood there for the rest of the night screaming himself hoarse about how "this most definitely proves that Light-kun is Kira, because only Kira would have such malevolent intentions, because only KIRA would refuse to sleep on the other side of the bed because he is OCD, because only KIRA WOULD KNOW THAT I HAVE A ONE IN TWO MILLION CHANCE OF DYING BY FALLING OUT OF A BED! YOU ARE KIRA, LIGHT-KUN! AND I KNOW IT! I WILL HAVE YOU JAILED FOR INSUBORDINATION!"

And needless to say, Light spent those 13 some days in jail. THAT, my friends, was the real reason. Light never turned himself in. Instead, he shoved Ryuuzaki off a bed.

Hence forth, he was jailed for 13 some days. And was he ever proved innocent? Of course not!

**AN EVEN WORSE EXAMPLE X(**

So Mikami and Light had been rooming together for some time, unknown to any other members of the DN cast but them. Mikami had a black cat named Kami.

So when Mikami and Light were having some argument about Mikami not getting to lick Light's shoes clean (AGAIN), Mikami protested, "But, Kami!" (AGAIN) and his cat, Kami, ran into the room (AGAIN). Except this time Mikami's hands were gesturing wildly around, and when Kami jumped up on the bed for a stroking, Mikami's hand knocked him out the window.

And Kami died a horrible death some 27 stories below.

And Mikami was sobbing for quite some time over his dead body, and even brought Kami up to the apartment so he could venerate it (because, according to him, he always venerated his ancestors), and upon waking Light up in the middle of the night to ask him what he should do with the body of his cat (because, according to him, Kami (Light) was always right and his word should be followed at all times), Light rolled over, glared at him viciously, and snapped, "How the fuck should I know? Wrap it up or something."

Now, if that was not truly insensitive, I don't know what is.

Of course, I probably would have said the same thing in Light's situation. It's near impossible to be sensitive to Mikami. I mean, the only person who's sensitive to him is probably his mother, and only God knows that Mikami hasn't killed HER off already.

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

This isn't an example between lovers so much as an example between friends.

Aizawa had recently lost his mother to cancer.

Matsuda happened to be in the room.

Aizawa related what had happened to his mother and how she had died.

Matsuda pouted, and patted Aizawa's hand comfortingly.

And then, not two seconds later, asked Aizawa what his mother did for a living again.

I mean, you gotta give the guy some credit! He at least comforted Aizawa!

**PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

See, when Mello lost his favorite exotic/rare/highly illegal tiger cub to another mafia lord, I comforted him. I really, and truly did. I sat with him on the couch at night, I helped him plan out revenge on said mafia lord, hell, I even tried to raise enough money to buy him another tiger cub. However, there's only so much a lemonade stand can get you.

But I damn well tried.

And in the end, Mello ended up killing the other mafia lord and got his tiger cub back.

All was good in the world.

Oh good God. I TOLD Mello not to leave that damn tiger uncaged. I'd better go before it eats up my son! Egads.

Anyway, come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	27. Sex With Children In The House

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 27**

**"Sex with your children in the house."**

_(A/N: Hey, you guys, rlly simple question for you: Have you ever thought about MGTLDAM outside of reading it? Like, have you ever been walking around the house or around at school, and thought randomly about MGTLDAM? Or have you ever recommended a friend to read MGTLDAM, or anything? Please tell me! I would like to know if my story has that kind of lasting effect....)_

Now, normally, you want to hump your partner all you can before your kid gets born (but make sure you don't do said humping late term, because that could induce labor and that's never good). And then after your kid is born, there's hardly any time for having sex with each other because the kid is like "Oh, I want to eat." "Now I want to sleep." "Hey, Dad, I just shit, take care of it." and "Uh oh...up comes that applesauce I had two hours earlier."

So, I mean, you like have no time to indulge yourself with sexual favors.

And every guy (or gal) needs their fix every once in a while, and sometimes, you know, those self masturbation toys don't actually work.

By the way, if you are a guy, don't attempt to do that thing that "supposedly makes your penis bigger" by sticking it in a bottle or something. You could, and probably will, get stuck, and then, well, what are you gonna say to your partner? Seriously.

And believe you me, the "I was just fucking a bottle" excuse doesn't go over too well.

* * *

It's always great to have sex when your kids AREN'T in the house. That's preferable, because then you won't have the shocked little kid running into the room and then screaming because "Daddy was hurting Mommy!" in which case, they could call the cops on you. (Don't ask, but I have seen it happen before. Never to me, fortunately. Mello keeps too tight a guard on the phone for Mattello to ever call 911. Even if he was profusely bleeding to death.) However, if there is absolutely no way for you to get your kids out of the house (annoying babysitter that never showed up, it's Saturday aka no school, no grandparents to watch the kids for a few hours, and if there are grandparents, they don't want to watch their grandkids because they're too busy indulging in sexual favors themselves), then, I guess if you absolutely cannot restrain it, you can go have sex with your partner.

Although there is the problem of one becoming extremely vocal during sex.

And in that case, if you are, your kid could hear you, start copying you, and have the teacher bring up a parent teacher conference when she claims that "your child is making sex noises and refuses to stop."

I suppose you could always have sex in the bathroom with the door locked. But what if your kid grabbed the knife block and those sharp pointy knives rained down upon their innocent little heads? (Well, I mean, Mello would be all, "Oh yeah, served him right, the little twit. Shouldn't have been playing in the kitchen anyhow.")

So there would be nobody to watch them.

I mean, if your kid is old enough to be self sufficient and knows better than to stick cans in the microwave or to stick forks in electric outlets, then I suppose you could risk the whole bathroom gig. And then if your child happens to see you coming out of the shower together, the "We're trying to conserve water" excuse is not a half bad one to use.

Although this might pose some problems if your child then latches on to that and asks to bathe with you and your partner every single night. So, therefore, no more shower sex. D:

Let's just say that it is best if you can get your kids out of the house before commencing to have sex. Although you don't want to boot them out into the street. I've been sexiled more than once because I was protecting Mattello from the horrors of the outside world. And don't say that Mello's mafia crew would shoot anyone who dared to lay a finger on Mattello, because I know for a fact that they would all be getting drunk and stoned and banging some big breasted women. Or...umm...very attractive men. Or something.

Come to think of it, I don't think Mello's mafia crew knows that he's gay. Bit slow, those blokes.

Anyway, I would never entrust Mattello to the sincerely incapable hands of one of Mello's mafia horde, because I DO NOT TRUST THEM WHATSOEVER.

Basically, point is, do not have sex with your children in close proximity, or if you have suddenly ingested an aphrodisiac and can do nothing about it, then have sex with your partner as quietly as you can.

* * *

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

I think we can all guess who's gonna be in this example.

If you didn't guess L and Light, then..um...what the hell have you been reading the past like, 24 chapters? LOL.

Anyway.

L and Light copulate like jellyfish, which I have already mentioned in the previous few chapters. And so, of course, even after they had kids, they decided to keep copulating like jellyfish, even though one of their children (X) somehow managed to steal all of their sex toys and hide them somewhere. God forbid.

And so one day M (the fat one) was coming home from Auntie Mello's (where she was fed rather large quantities of chocolate) and she came upon Light and L having wild, furious sex on top of the kitchen counter. And, being as the kitchen counter was the place where most products of edible value were made, M promptly fainted on the floor and caused a large earthquake that eventually sent a tsunami to Samoa. NOT. Even though M is roughly the size and weight of a premature killer whale, she was not, unfortunately, large enough to cause an earthquake and send a tsunami to Samoa. No. Instead she just cracked the expensive tile floor. Upon which L promptly hyperventilated over after the sex was done. And poor Light was angry that his tile floor had been broken and that a tile floor was more important than him.

**AN EVEN WORSE EXAMPLE X(**

And in this example, we have...

Mikami and Light. For all of you who weren't expecting it, then...well. I'm not quite sure what about the 'Mikami raping people and throwing their deformed bodies into the river' thing you missed.

Whatever.

So Mikami and Light were having sex. (Well, I'm pretty sure Light wasn't aware at the time that he was having sex with Mikami, because Mikami had donned L's getup (AGAIN) and had made sure to make a bowl of melted chocolate instead of buttercream.) And then this random kid walks into the room, screams, and attempts to leave. Except Mikami whips his head around and glares at her with 'TEH GLARE OF DOOM', which instantly freezes her to the spot.

Then, while Light watches, Mikami cackles hideously and proceeds to force feed the little girl the melted chocolate, which suffocated her and brought her to an unfortunate demise.

I take off my nonexistent hat to the little girl who suffered at the hands of Mikami.

And then Light promptly realized that Mikami was not, in fact, L, but was Mikami, because, according to Light, "L would NEVER have done something so heinous as to waste an entire bowl of melted chocolate on some low life form!"

And even though Mikami sobbed and begged for Light to forgive him for deceiving him, Light would not change his mind; he stomped out of the room angrily, stepping over the body of the little child without paying it a second thought, aggravated that Mikami, one of his own followers, would deceive him and waste a whole bowl of melted chocolate on a young girl.

I think L's bad diet is rubbing off on Light.

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

So Giovanni and Halle were in an intimate relationship not too long ago. This is after A-Light.

They waited until A-Light was asleep, and then commenced to have particularly rough sex (I think it was because Giovanni was seriously pissed that the popo were chasing him because he had shot a priest under Near's command).

And then A-Light woke up. And began screaming bloody murder.

Which caused Near to wake up, which caused him to wake everybody else up in the Stupid People Klan, and some unknown Stupid Person decided it would be best to pull the fire alarm and put the whole penthouse into lockdown.

And then, of course, nobody had food to eat for the better part of a day.

Needless to say, unknown Stupid Person got fired, and Halle and Giovanni broke it up.

At least they waited until A-Light was asleep. But A-Light apparently takes after his father in the sleeping way of things. Light sleepers, those Yagamis. Always afraid that some fangirl's going to rape them in their sleep with forceps or something.

**PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

Well, this is kind of cheating, but I actually hired a babysitter for our Mattello, and told them to go into the garden for a few hours and have a tea party or something, while Mello and I had rough voracious sex for the better part of those few hours.

And then we told them to come back in, paid the babysitter generously (or, at least, I tried to, except Mello was loading bullets into a gun and silently threatening to shoot me if I paid her above $20), and all was good in the world.

At least, for the time being.

Anyway, come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!

(Also, someone brought up the idea of fanart. If anyone wants to create fanart for this story, then I shall have Skyskater write you a story. Or something. Normally, I would take things into my own hands, but I have Mattello AND Mello to watch after and I'm absolutely jack shit at art anyway. You can go ask Skyskater. I'm sure she can take a break from her daily six hours of chemistry homework to write you a story.)

This is Matt, Signing Off


	28. Long Distance Relationships

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 28**

**"Long Distance Relationships."**

_(A/N: So...should I do a guide like this except from Mello's POV? What do you guys think?)_

Now, if for some reason, you and your partner have been greatly separated for some odd reason, then I am truly sorry to say that. NOT. Well, actually, if you're one of those clingy types, then it would be greatly sorrowful to you if for some reason you and your partner were ever farther away than a 10 foot radius from each other.

Or maybe you're like Pon and Zi: "If I can't hear your heartbeat, you're too far away."

Yeah. Maybe that's just the tiniest bit stalkerish, you know? Sometimes people like it when others cannot hear their heartbeat.

Unless you got one of those heart monitors and then put it on the extra loud setting?

There's an idea.

* * *

For example, let's say your lover joined the army. Or went off on a huge killing spree, murdered nearly a quarter of the population of Japan's largest business companies (well, ya know, Hideki brought that upon himself!), and locked themselves in their room in the process.

Completely hypothetical situation, of course.

No one would be insane enough to do that. Unless one's name is Light Yagami.

Anyway.

So your lover is in the army/their room. You have no idea what to do because you're lonely and you don't want to break up with them.

Well, all I can tell you is that you're going to be spending a lot of time with your left/right hand. Unless you're, like, allergic to sex, in which case, you'd better buy a hot water bottle to keep you company through those long nights alone. You know. To help you cope with the lack of body heat produced by the other person.

Unless you don't sleep together. Unless you don't even live in the same house together. In which case, why does it matter where they are?

Anyway.

Because your lover is probably away due to a noble cause (one that does NOT involve, however, killing off a quarter of Japan's largest business companies), please be understanding of them in these difficult times, and make sure to send them lots of care packages and stuff just so that they know that you are still in love with them and wish for them to return home soon.

Or lack thereof of said emotions.

I mean, hey, some people don't actually love getting cookies in the mail for no reason other than for the other person to say, "I miss you." Some people don't like that kind of thing, because they think they're going to get fat, and die a horrible tragic diabetic death. (Such narcissists. And such narcissists may go by the name of Mello.)

It also may be a good idea to set up a webcam or something. Unless of course your webcam is broken and accidentally reroutes you to Mikami's house where you see several bloody mass rapeage sessions taking place. (Because, of course, your webcam refuses to move out of Mikami's house and because you are too in shock to close your eyes to the horrible things taking place.) It's a pity one can't record what's going on on the other side of the webcam. Mikami would be SO busted by now if I had that kind of technology.

If your partner, however, is extremely busy all the time ransacking old ladies' houses for "the greater good" and whatnot, and if they don't want to talk on webcam, don't force the issue. Because, over webcam, it's just possible that you might get yelled at. And then you'll curse technology. And then you'll throw your laptop to the ground and break it. And then you'll scream and cry because both your lover AND your laptop have deserted you.

Not to mention on Gmail, if you like, contact someone who's busy, the status message is something like, "So-and-so is busy! You could be interrupting." My goodness. I don't see ME telling GMAIL HOW TO LIVE ITS LIFE.

I hate it when websites tell me off. Those websites make me feel like I'm being accused of something.

* * *

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

So Mikami has separation anxiety. No, seriously, he really does. If you haven't guessed this already, then well, that's okay. I've been kind of out of it myself.

Anyway. So every time Light leaves Mikami, Mikami has like, these hyperventilation issues and immediately goes off and does 'Sakujo!' to like 35 innocent people. And the government of Japan wonders why there aren't many young people in the place.

Eventually, Light caught on, gave Mikami a stern reprimanding (because, as we all know, Light loves to have sex with young people...can you imagine Light getting it on with someone the age of his father? No, I didn't think so; and if you can, you seriously have a sick mind), and then gave Mikami one of those baby walkie talkies so that "they would never be apart."

How sentimental.

I never even knew Light was that caring. Maybe he really did feel guilty about indirectly causing the death of Kami?

Wait for it...

NAH.

**AN EVEN WORSE EXAMPLE! DX**

So, you know how I was going on about how L was amazingly subtle in the first chapter of being subtle? Yeah. But now, THE TRUTH COMES OUT!

He had REALLY bad separation anxiety, was rambling something about "being abandoned as a pup and being found by Eustace and Muriel", and so, when he came upon Light, he instantly chained them together.

Because, as he claimed, "I have to watch to make sure you're not Kira."

When in reality, he really meant, "I have separation anxiety, and I refuse to let you go eat, shit, or sleep without me being ten feet away from you at all times."

It's amazing that the world's greatest detective hasn't died of loneliness yet.

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

So, like, Mello got homesick like the first week at Wammy's. So out of the goodness of my heart, I let him use one of my spare laptops and webcams to contact his parents. And, of course, the first time he used Skype, he was all, "Goddamn it, Mom, just let me freaking talk to Dad already!"

You remember: 'I can totally see where Mello got his feminine looks. His dad.'

Maybe it's part of some strange male bonding tribal ritual that I have yet to understand.

Anyway, he and his dad bonded, and talked about the strange rules of painting nails and applying mascara.

Odd creatures, those two.

**PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

And what would the perfect example be without me and Mello?

I used to talk to Mello on webcam/cell phone all the time when he was away from the house (which was quite often; you know, those old ladies, always going out at weird times of day...the elderly sure aren't what they used to be!), and then...Mattello came along and dropped my phone into the toilet. T.T

Mello wanted to kill him.

I, of course, saved him from a grisly death involving seven hundred and twenty three toothpicks and a statue of the Eiffel Tower.

I am such a good father figure, it's amazing.

Hopefully Mattello follows in my footsteps and doesn't go off and become like Mello.

Not that Mello's bad, that's not what I mean at all.

I mean, just that...you know, I wish he wouldn't threaten, oh, OUR ONLY CHILD every five seconds?

That's not too much to ask.

Now, if you will excuse me, it appears the high security tiger named Mello II has gotten out of his cage again. I must go fetch it and save my son from becoming tiger treats.

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	29. Dining Etiquette

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 29**

**"What to do if dining with your lover's parents." **

_(A/N: It appears as though someone else has already had the idea of writing Mello's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage. Um...o.o so, the status on that is not clear as of yet. And I just realized I skipped a whole bunch of lessons...well, not lessons, I just misnumbered them. So deal with me. :D)_

Let's take a hypothetical situation. Your lover is a mafia leader. You yourself are a computer hacker. Your lover's mother is lesbian, and his father is gay, but they married each other for the sake of procreating. Or something like that.

Now.

How many of you would expect your lover's parents, as described above, to be so tuned in to the finer points of etiquette?

The answer is none. And if you did answer yes, then please, reconsider that answer.

Now that we have all successfully agreed with each other unanimously, I would just like to point out that even though I spend at least ten hours a day on the computer, it has never seriously occurred to me that the day would come when I would need to know how to properly use a soup spoon and fondue fork in conjunction with each other.

I mean, come on, it's not like eHow has a guide and diagram that teaches you how to use the proper utensils during a fancy meal that is not even that fancy anyway.

Oh God. They do. I just checked. Well, EXCUUUUUSE ME for not going on eHow and researching the proper dining etiquette.

I mean, it's not like Mello even eats with two utensils anyway. He only eats with one. A knife.

Yeah. I know. He's "hardcore." =.=

* * *

So for the rest of you who are freaking out because YOU yourself don't know how to use the utensils in a proper fashion and order, then this is the chapter for you, so that you can definitely impress your lover's parents. (Your lover might say you're a fag, but hey, not EVERYONE can eat with a knife.)

So, in general, there'll be like seven or so utensils, and the basic rule is to "eat from the outside in." Basically, use the outside utensils first and then the inner utensils. And, come on, people, be sensible, please don't attempt to eat your soup with a fork because "the fork was the farthest utensil out there." Please use some common sense, okay?

You don't want to use the same fork twice for different courses. I mean, first of all, people find it disgusting, and second of all, if a person was allergic to the previous dish and you used that same fork to lift your portion from the current dish, that allergic person could vaguely taste whatever it was he/she was allergic to and start spasming on the table. Or something like that. And then you would get yelled at by both your lover's parents AND your lover (even if he/she does not know the proper rules of table etiquette) and you would be sad.

Oh, another thing: You DO NOT want to lick your plate clean. I get that in like ancient China the rules were wayyyy different; heck, rolling your food into a ball was considered a polite thing back then; but let's just say that this isn't ancient China and let's just say that I'm sure your lover's parents aren't ancient Chinese warlords. Just, like, don't lick your plate clean. It's "indecorous."

Mello says I hardly expand my vocabulary. Look who's talking. He's the one whose main line in the manga is "Crunch."

Okay, whatever. ANYWAY. Just trying to make a point there.

When eating, after you've got all the utensil things down, you want to make sure that you don't chew noisily or slurp noisily, if drinking soup. If you do, well, your lover's mother could look at you with such a look of loathing that that delicious tomato soup you just ingested not even two seconds ago feels like it's gonna come right back up. Also, if you slurp something, like spaghetti, the spaghetti sauce could get all over your lover's father's perfect Paul Stuart ivory argyle sweater, and he would hyperventilate and run off crying to his boyfriend about how cruel the whole world was. And you'll get death glares from your lover and his mother. So. Just don't do that.

You also don't want to shove everything into your mouth the first chance you get. I mean, I get that some of you like to gobble everything down to get away from the table faster so you can go back to whatever you were doing before dinner got called, but in front of your lover's parents, it's a huge no no if you want to make a good impression. Which I hope you all want to do. If you don't, then, whatever. I mean, if you DO gobble something down at dinner, you might just get that odd comment from your lover's father along the lines of this: "Wow, Mello, if that guy can fit so much in his mouth, how much do you think he can blow at once?"

=.= Trust me, blowing someone is not the best topic to come up at dinner. Especially if you're enjoying cream of mushroom soup.

* * *

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

So the day that Light finally decided to introduce Mikami to his parents (as his insurance salesman or something of the sort), Mikami decided it would just be dandy to invite himself over to the Yagami family table for dinner. After the shock of Mrs. Yagami at her beloved Raito having such a rude salesman, she finally got over it and proceeded to serve seasoned cauliflower for dinner. Mikami caught Light's vague look of disgust (which was actually disgust at Sayu having salivated over Ryuga Hideki earlier in the evening) and proceeded to push the cauliflower away. See, this is bad because you're not supposed to refuse anything your lover's parents give you. Mrs. Yagami was even more shocked and ordered Mikami out of their house if he was going to be so rude. Mikami glared viciously at her, gave Light a provocative look, leered at Sayu, ignored Mr. Yagami, and dramatically left the room.

**AN EVEN WORSE EXAMPLE! D:**

So I took Mello to meet my grandparents one day. Not only did he bring his favorite Swiss Army knife to eat with, he also stabbed so hard that he went right through the plate and into the table. And scratched a very antique Jeevas family heirloom that had been handed down from generation to generation. My grandparents did not approve.

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

L, when meeting Light's parents, actually managed to stomach some of this "seasoned cauliflower." And Mrs. Yagami was, well, very impressed. Of course, he threw it all up later, but that's beside the point.

**PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

See, while Mello cannot act civil around my family members, I can actually act civilly around his. I ate what they served me, I told funny jokes, I ignored the "blowing" comments issuing from the head of the table where his dad was sitting, and I ate with the right utensils. Perhaps the only thing that went wrong was when they served the tofu with chopsticks, and...um...let's just say the tofu flew and hit his dad right smack in the eye.

I mean, a piece of rabid tofu hitting someone in the eye, even if said piece of rabid tofu came from the general vicinity of someone, should not be enough to judge someone on dining etiquette.

And come on! Their SON was sitting right next to me stabbing anything and everything with a knife.

I think I should at least be given ten points for good manners.

Anyway, come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	30. The Family Pet

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 30**

**"The Family Pet."**

_(A/N: I'm thinking of making a Mikami's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage, as Mello's Guide has already been taken up by someone. However...I suppose I could do Mello's Guide, too, but...o.o I don't know.)_

Your partner and you may decide, at some point in time, that you are rich enough and bored enough to adopt a family pet from the pound. One thing I must say is that if you do have an excessive surplus of money, buy a pet from a pet store.

You never know what kinds of diseases those at the pound have.

(Believe me, we found that out first hand when that rabid kitty scratched Mello and he broke out into hives. Although...it was kinda funny, it actually wasn't at the same time.)

* * *

If you don't have kids, a pet is a great alternative. Not to mention they're a lot cheaper. (Well, if you like treat them like a frugal pet. Or an Amish pet. Amish people are the ones that don't have technology, I'm pretty sure. Although...why would you need to buy a pet technology?) Okay, whatever. Anyway.

If you hate kids, but want companionship, and you also hate other people, then you might as well get a pet.

Pets provide great animal companions when you are feeling lonely, and they can also provide comfort when you are feeling down.

Although it might be a wonderful idea to get some flea collars if you happen to be adopting a dog or a cat. You don't exactly want them trekking fleas into your house that you worked so hard to keep clean.

SOME TYPES OF PETS:

The Dog - A wonderful companion, also known as man's best friend. Best fed with dog food bought from the store, although you can feed them raw meat as well. Just make sure to keep them away from chocolate and other human processed foods, because those might not take so well to the dog's lower intestines. And your partner might not agree with the dog if the dog ate their chocolate. Furthermore, it might also be a good idea to get your dog neutered, otherwise you could wake up in the middle of the night and see your dog humping another dog (or, what's worse, a piece of furniture or a the Pizza Hut delivery boy) and...well, let's just say that you don't honestly want something like that. Unless you want puppies. But still, not the point. Not to mention you might be blacklisted at Pizza Hut. And who wants that? Their Panormous pizzas are, like, amazing and filled with delicious goodness.

The Cat - The friendy feline (or not so friendly, as terms may have it). Normally, your cat won't comfort you or cuddle with you when you are feeling lonely and depressed, and that might not be so great in terms of having a companion. And you just might have to go on midnight escapades because your son's kitty climbed up the ten story oak tree next to the bedroom window. (That doesn't do anything to calm the nerves, let me tell you that right now.) However, if your cat happens to fall out of a ten story oak tree in some random phenomenon, then rest assured that it will probably land on all four feet, and escape unscathed. You, however, are a completely different story.

The Fish - Probably the least difficult to care for of all the household pets. Of course, as we all know, one measly goldfish in a bowl looks really stupid and dumb and boring, so you might shell out some cash for those really expensive and cool looking zebra fish. Or whatever they're called. But if you do happen to do that, be aware: Two male zebra fish, when confronted with each other in a confined space aka your fish tank, will rip each other to pieces to assert dominance. And your son might just happen to be standing there witnessing this gruesome murder, and you will have a very scared three-year-old and a bloody tank to clean up. Because, of course, your lover doesn't want to have anything to do with fish unless he gets to gut them and through their internal organs out to the birds to dine on.

The Bird - All I can say for the bird is: DO NOT provoke them with eating crackers when you are in the same room as them and your son, who was playing with the bird earlier, forgot to lock its cage door. DO NOT. You could get a finger almost bitten off. All I can say for sure is that those parrots are vindictive as hell. Must be all those years sailing the high seas. It's gotta rub off on you sometime.

The Snake - If you are going to get a snake, like a boa constrictor, make sure it is in a maximum security cage so that it is, for lack of a better word, trapped there. Trust me, you don't want to wake up and see your beautiful three year old son in the grips of an angry boa constrictor being squeezed to death. (Although, of course, this didn't happen with me. Thank heavens.)

The Rodent - There are many types of rodents you can buy at the pet store/pick up off the street. There's the rat, the hamster, the mouse, the gerbil, the guinea pig, etc. Basically, they're all really the same, and pretty much interchangeable with each other. Except they range from different levels of fatness. I, personally, would get a guinea pig or a hamster, because mice and rats...well, you don't exactly know where those things have been.

The Rabbit - DON'T GET TWO. Otherwise they will mate and reproduce in quantity. And even if you get two of the same gender, they will still attempt to mate.

The Spider - It's better off just not to go here, okay? I get that people may like having tarantulas for pets, but, COME ON! That thing is deadly! Oh, let's see, I've always wanted a pet that COULD KILL ME! (Bonus points if you get what movie that line is from!! Hint: it's animated. Answer in the next chapter.)

Basically, having pets is really complicated. If I were you, I would just stick to the safe side and get a fish. Notice that it's not plural. A FISH. ONE FISH. Not two, not three, not four, not ten million. Just one fish. And sure, it might not be the greatest in terms of comforting you, but hey. At least you'll have something pretty to look at when you wake up in the morning. Just don't forget to feed it. Fish floating belly up aren't pretty.

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	31. Interlude IV

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Interlude IV**

**"Untold Stories of the Pets....in French!"**

_(A/N: I believe I shall start a Mikami's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage...please in your review, vote Yay or Nay for this, and, if you are not too lazy/tired/Mikami-esque and not wanting to waste five seconds of life in order to write a reason, please write a reason as to why you have that opinion. :D thanks)_

For all those of you who guessed for the movie in the last chapter, yes, it was from Monsters Inc. And NO, if you did not guess, or guessed incorrectly, you are NOT allowed to go back, sign in anonymously, and review again just for the sake of getting a trivia question right. (I, frankly, am amazed at how many people got this question wrong. Come on, people! Where was your childhood! Well, truthfully, mine was spent with my eyes glued to an LCD screen...but...that's not the point.)

Anyway, as the pets of the family have not yet had a true say in this story, I shall proceed to be a devoted non-member of PETA and stand up for animal rights by telling the untold stories of the pets.

Now is the time to silence your cell phones, grab a box of Kleenex (trust me, you're going to need it) and thank you for coming. Please enjoy your stay.

* * *

**Le chien de Light - **Otherwise known as the dog of Light. At least, I think this is what it's translated to in French. I mean, you know, I never really bothered to get that proper gentleman's education. I mean, it's not like I really use French in my day to day language. I mean, I know the basics, "Ou est-ce la salle de bains?", "Bonjour!", and, of course, "C'est ce qu'elle a dit." French people, you'll get this. For those of you who do not speak French, in English, this is: "Where is the bathroom?" "Hello!" and "That's what she said."

Yes, the third one is a necessity.

Anyway, before I went off on that whole French gig, we were talking about Light's dog. Yes.

So, Light, being the very proper male that he is, went to the pound and wanted to get a husky. However, L was still kind of mad at him for making him eat cauliflower at that one meeting with his parents, and when filling out the forms for the dog, switched the forms. So when the lady brought out the dog, Light, of course, was very confused as to why his husky was rather small, had large ears, and looked suspiciously like the Taco Bell Dog. I'm sure there was a conspiracy between L and the pound lady, because she said that yes, it was a husky, it was just the runt of the litter and was playing dress up in honor of Halloween. Light, of course, being the way too trusting person that he is, immediately believed it. Even though Halloween was five months away.

And of course, to this very day, Light is still convinced that he owns a husky, when, indeed, he owns a very annoying chihuahua.

How gullible.

* * *

**Le chat de Mikami...at least, the deceased one.**

After Kami's death, Mikami was never the same again.

Well, okay, he returned to his crazy pedophilic habits after he realized that Light was the one who had killed Kami, which must have meant that Light was sacrificing his cat for the greater good of the world. Then Mikami believed that Kami had been a corrupted cat who was up to destroy the world, and this only strengthened his belief was the sole god of the world. And poor Kami was never mourned.

I'm sure Mikami took great pleasure in seeing that black cat rot out on the sidewalk. I, for one, will be perfectly happy never to see forty crows pecking apart a cat's intestines ever again.

* * *

**Le poisson de Matsuda aka the Fish that never had a chance**

So Matsuda brought home a goldfish from the pet store, claiming that he had caught it while in an epic battle of the seas. (Of course.)

Light just stared at him and stared at the generic goldfish. (Of course.)

Misa asked for his autograph. (Birds of a feather fly together, what can I say?)

Matsuda greatly enjoyed putting his fish in the tank, and every few seconds he would jump out at it to test its ninja reflexes.

The fish, of course, did not have ninja reflexes, and after about the fifth jump, died of a heart attack.

And it was gone.

And Light then smiled, because, having taken a few language classes himself in order to become the perfect Japanese man, knew that a fish in French was "le poisson."

And, wanting to create a perfect utopia in which no one was stupid and everyone was smart, he snapped the fish out of the bowl with chopsticks, neatly split it in half right down the middle of the poor fish's lower intestines, and proceeded to use ninja chopstick skills to force feed half the fish to Matsuda and the other half to Misa, while L stood by egging this on. (Well, only the Misa part; if Misa's force feeding had not been involved, I'm sure L would instantly have arrested Light right then on the spot for being Kira and attempting to kill someone using a dead goldfish.)

Unfortunately, the fish did not poison either of them and merely gave Matsuda a very bad tummyache.

Both L and Light were drastically disappointed.

* * *

**L'oiseau de Mello**

Curse French people and all their vowels. I dislike it greatly.

Anyway.

Mello used to have a beautiful peacock that would strut around in the front yard.

And then, one day, Mello suddenly decided that he did not want that peacock out strutting in the front yard, because someone might have seen it, and that person might have been colorblind, and might have mistaken the rather colorful bird for an albino peacock, which, as he so explained it, "Would probably lead them to believe that it was an albino peacock Patronus and that I was Lucius Malfoy in secret. Which, of course, I do not want to be. I am SO much more prettier than that family. And I'm not even a pureblood!"

Once again, I had no idea Mello was so into literature.

* * *

**Le serpent de Mikami**

Mikami's snake was certainly something to behold.

It was rather large, rather boa constrictor-ish, and above all, highly deadly.

Just Mikami's kind of pet. I bet he force fed it bran and toxic radioactive waste in order to make it a super serpent so that it could rule over Gotham...I mean Kyoto. (I just know he was doing it. It completely explains why he went off on that month long sojourn to Three Mile Island, which, if you are culturally unaware, has a nuclear power plant on it.)

And, of course, one day, it got loose. And Light went into Mikami's house to ask him if he could borrow a spare pen (his favorite one had run out of ink), and, to Light's immense horror, he saw his lovely son, N, getting strangled and squeezed by a boa constrictor. Mikami, of course, had no idea that this was Light's son his snake was strangling, and laughed sadistically as the poor thing struggled to get free.

Of course, upon finding out later that the boy was Light's son, Mikami instantly slaughtered his snake, and proceeded to make N a toga out of the snake skin.

* * *

**La souris de Misa**

Of course Misa would want a mouse.

Rem didn't want a mouse.

Rem brutally raped the mouse with a twig, and left it there to die.

Misa had no idea.

Personally, I think Rem's been hanging around Mikami too long.

* * *

**La lapin de L**

Like owner, like pet, that's what I always say. Of course, L completely did not heed my advice, and got two rabbits. And they proceeded to copulate. Of course.

And they had children. Naturally.

And they continued to breed, and the sister rabbits bred with the brother rabbits, and the mother rabbit bred with the son rabbits, and the father rabbit bred with the daughter rabbits, etc. etc. and when I went to visit them one day, the entire house was covered with a mass of fluff and shit.

I saw Light in the bathroom with bloodshot eyes, holding a rabbit by its throat and threatening to cut its genitals off with a razor if it didn't stop this "unmanageable behavior that instant."

I left before he saw me.

I wouldn't have wanted a crazed Light on my tail. Especially not when he was holding a razor and a rabbit at the same time.

* * *

**L'araignee de BB**

BB had a tarantula.

He force fed it jam every day, until it grew fat and quite large.

He then christened it Aragog, and released it into the wild.

And you say Harry Potter isn't real?

(I'm convinced BB only named it Aragog because he read Harry Potter because he only wanted to read it for that one part where Harry cuts his own hand to write lines. BB loves blood. And sadism.)

* * *

Now, at the beginning of this chapter, you may be quite surprised as to why I asked you to get a box of Kleenex. Not only were the images in this chapter rather graphic, I was hoping you would need those tissues in order to keep your tears at bay because you were just so horrified that anyone would even proceed to do any of the things in this chapter.

However, my plan may have backfired miserably, because you got a box of Kleenex, but you used the box of Kleenex to make a paper rabbit and proceed to hold up a razor to its throat and play act as Light.

Or you may have been laughing so hard you were crying and needed the Kleenex anyway.

Whatever your reason, if you used a tissue in this lesson, please tell me. (Well, if you used a tissue to masturbate to porn or something really weird like that, and just had this story on tab in case your parents walked in so you could hastily explain what you were doing...although I'm not sure how that would pan out, given this a story about multiple guys having sex with each other; if you used a tissue for masturbating, you don't need to tell me. LOL.)

But I must sojourn away now. My dearest Mello is being quite the unaffable Punchinello right now, and I must go and tend to his whims so that he does not get vexed anymore than he already is.

Anyway, come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	32. Sending Your Child to School

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 31**

**"Sending your kids to school."**

(_A/N: MORE SUGGESTIONS NAOOOO IF YOU WANT MGTLDAM TO CONTINUE! BTW, how was your Halloween? I went as a Facebook profile :D)_

Now, you all want the best for your kids, I'm assuming. And if you don't, well, what kind of parents are you? Or parent, if you had a nasty breakup/divorce with your partner. Or if you're asexual.

Just a really random question, if you're a hermaphrodite (or one of those people who has both parts at the same time) would it be in any way possible for you to impregnate yourself and produce offspring, viable or not?

That just seems like a really cool idea for some reason.

Except I don't think penises (penii?) can bend that way.

* * *

Tip Number 1: You want your child to go to a good school so they can get a good education. Basically, this means living in a good neighborhood. If, however, you want your child to grow up to be a mafia leader/drug trafficker/mafia leader and drug trafficker at the same time, then go for it and live in the ghetto.

Truthfully, I'm rather surprised that Mello has this kind of aspiration for our child.

I mean, you don't see any of the SIMS wanting to go and be a mafia leader and a drug trafficker.

And if you have, then...those are some twisted Sims.

Although, to be honest, I've hacked through the game and made people homosexual and then make males get pregnant.

Don't judge me.

At least they weren't drug traffickers or mafia leaders or both at the same time.

* * *

Tip Number 2: Always make sure your child is prepared for school.

Okay, I'm not sure if these people are still in existence, but there are some people that like, I don't know, they're like sadists and they love little kids. I mean, registered sex offender, anyone?

If you're really confused as to how the words "registered sex offender" got into the tip "always make sure your child is prepared for school," let's just say I knew this really meanass kindergarten teacher. We'll call her Miss Doberhashery for now.

So I was in kindergarten as a wee child. (Yes, I really did just say the word wee. I like to pretend I'm Scottish sometimes.) Anyway, I was in kindergarten. There was this little child in the back row who Miss Doberhashery didn't like because the child's parents had once sued her for being involved in smuggling illegal cocaine in pencil erasers. So one day this little child didn't have a pencil or pen to write with. Miss Doberhashery snarled at all the surrounding kids that they were "not to give that little cretin a writing utensil." She walked right up to his desk, gave him a sewing needle, and told him that he would have to write in his own blood, or get a U on his report card for "being an unsatisfactory student and not being prepared for class."

Of course, the little boy was scared of getting a U on his report card (which kindergartener isn't?) and so he pricked his finger with the needle and proceeded to write his alphabet in his own blood. Miss Doberhashery laughed sadistically as she watched him do it.

This is how the trend of being emo started. Yes. With an innocent little kindergartener and a sadistic kindergarten teacher. Well, not so much the trend of emoism as the concept of being emo. Yes, the poor little kindergartener went through life always carrying pencils and writing utensils with him at all times (even in the shower, as stories have said), so he would never be unprepared again.

I'm secretly convinced Miss Doberhashery was a close relation of Mikami.

* * *

Tip Number 3: Make sure NOT to leave your child at school because you forgot about them.

(This is actually one of Skyskater's life experiences. Except she was in elementary school.)

You want to make sure that when your child's school lets out for the day, you pick them up soon after. If you don't, you don't know if your child could get kidnapped, or worse, raped by the Mikami of the neighborhood.

PLEASE NOTE THIS IS NOT FUNNY. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

IF YOU LAUGHED AT THIS, YOU ARE A SADIST AND A PEDOPHILE.

Actually, Skyskater's dad left her at school for like an hour and a half after the bell rung because he was eating at a pub. Parenting, much?

* * *

Tip Number 4: Pack a lunch for your child every day.

You can't expect a kindergartener to make their own lunch. So make a lunch for them. And make sure it's at least somewhat nutritious, so that your child can get "all 27 vitamins!" or something like that. I was never good at remembering those nasty little vitamins.

* * *

Tip Number 5: As much as you don't want to, you must encourage your kid not to fight with other kids.

Your kid might be a real little fighter.

There might be some super annoying kid in your kid's kindergarten class.

Please, with all your mental might, encourage your kid not to beat them up.

Instead, encourage them to "kill with kindness."

However, this does not work if your lover lets your child bake cupcakes, fill the frosting with cyanide, and give to said annoying kid.

Yeah, you might just get sued for that.

Or your kid might, at least.

I'm not joking, kids can get sued these days. It's really...odd.

Anyway, come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice! The next chapter will be an interlude, so get some tissue boxes ready for that!


	33. Using Shinigami 2 Enhance Your Love Life

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 32**

**"Using other unnatural/paranormal beings."**

_(A/N: This is an insanely random chapter out of the middle of nowhere, but alec-alumina pointed out, quite rightly, that I don't have any/very little mentions of Shinigami in this. So. Here we go.)_

Okay, people, let's be realistic here.

I know many of you guys would like to claim that you don't believe in ghosts; now, if that is the case, why did you go and see the Grudge 3 and then spend five weeks sleeping without your covers on and the attic padlocked shut?

HYPOCRITES.

Anyway, ghosts do exist, no matter how much you would like to claim they don't. (And don't even lie to me. I know that you put off going to see a new apartment because you watched the Grudge 3. I know you put off buying that new apartment in that not even-moderately-sketchy neighborhood because you watched the Grudge 3. I know you put your life in danger by staying in your apartment with asbestos because you didn't want to buy a new apartment BECAUSE of the Grudge 3. I know. I know because that's what happened with Mello. =.=)

* * *

I understand that some of you crazy psychos out there who aren't able to get a love life might resort to desperate measures to get a love life. (Cue Mikami here.)

I understand that maybe you held people at gunpoint and threatened to torture their family and then shoot them in the cerebral cortex if they didn't go out with you. I understand, you guys; a loveless life is a horrible existence, and we should all the pity the people who have never had anyone to love them.

Now, on a super random sideline, by a suggestion from one of my reviewers, I played the Breeder game on . I beat the fucking game. With a score of 9004. If you don't know what the Breeder game is, it's basically this game where you breed rabbits. Not even joking.

Anyway, if you are a complete psychopath and you don't understand how to find your true love without scaring away everybody that comes into your line of vision, this is the chapter for you.

* * *

Yes, I understand that some of you may be very desperate. This does NOT, however, mean that it is perfectly acceptable for you to threaten someone at gunpoint to marry you or whatever your wish may be. If you just want to have sex, then, for the love of god, go to a brothel or a place where Chippendale's dancers are featured. Or a Chippendale's dancer place with a brothel in the back. Whatever your preferences may be.

Now, I am perfectly aware that in Aladdin, the genie clearly states that "I cannot make anybody fall in love with aanybody else."

But this isn't Aladdin, remember?

This is JAPAN, for gods' sakes, where people are being paid to have sex and procreate. That's not a joke, either.

So here, where shinigami abound, yes, it is perfectly possible to use these paranormal creatures to make people fall in love with you.

It's. Pretty. Freaking. Weird.

But whatever.

And here, it's really convenient that you don't have to go around polishing a stupid lamp every time you want a wish. All you have to do is write a name in this pretty little black bound composition book, and you're set to go! :D

Makes life a lot more convenient, I can tell you that.

Not that I would ever kill anyone for the sake of falling in love. (I mean, come on, Mello and I are a match made in Heaven. L and Light on the other hand...well...has anyone ever wondered why Light killed that first person in the start? Was it to test out the rules written in the front cover of the book? Of course not. Ever since he penned his first 'L,' he was in love with the letter, and determined to marry someone whose name was 'L.' Therefore...well, you can kinda piece together the rest of the story.)

Now you look back, and you're like, "OOOOhhhhhhh....so THAT'S what happened."

The truth, my friends, has been revealed.

* * *

While you can use shinigami to make your love life a lot better, it is not advised, as there are drastic side effects that can occur.

Some of these include:

Your partner turning into an animal.  
You turning into an animal.  
Your partner having an intense desire to have sex with an animal.  
You having an intense desire to have sex with an animal.  
Your partner having wild, passionate sex with an animal.  
You having wild, passionate sex with an animal.

Let me just tell you I once saw Mikami fuck a squirrel, and that, my friends, was not pretty.

Okay, I'd just like to clarify that I'm not a pervert, he was on my fucking front lawn.

Get over it.

* * *

Basically, point of lesson: Fall in love the natural way, and none of you/none of your partners will have bestiality issues. :D

And that's always good.

We want to keep the squirrel community free from human rapeage.

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!

(By the way, I would just like everyone to know that Skyskater is posting this chapter at 1 in the morning. Please applaud her for making writing a priority amidst her six hours of daily homework. Thank you, Skyskater, for keeping MGTLDAM going. Love, Matt.)


	34. Interlude V

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Interlude V**

**"Sending Your Child to School....The Good, and Not So Good Sides."**

_(A/N: I totally forgot that I was supposed to write an interlude for Chapter 32 and thus I contradicted myself. But none of you readers saw that I contradicted myself either! Unless you did, and I just overlooked that in your review.....O.O)_

I'm assuming you guys have had an extremely hard week in school/work/whatever you do, so therefore, I am extremely sorry.

However, do not expect me to do anything special for you. No, I will not wash your car, declaw your cat, or scrub your toilet. I refuse.

Although I do seem to be having intense desires to jump up and sing opera lately...

OMG, WHAT IF THESE ARE MOOD SWINGS AND I'M PREGNANT.....??????? Oh noesssssss!!!!

I don't want to give birth to a baby! I want to fit in my jeans!!!!!!

And then we'd have to send the kid to school later anyway and have it be brainwashed by the public education system. No.

* * *

Example 1: M Yagami

If you do not remember M, let me just reiterate that she is the very large spawn of L and Light Yagami.

Basically Day 1 of school: M was made fun of by not only the students, but by the teacher as well.

Day 2: M's food is stolen.

Day 3: M goes into starvation mode (not really starvation, but...you know.)

Day 4: L sees that M is doing basic math in kindergarten, and screams at the teacher for attempting to teach his kid calculus.

Day 5: M is withdrawn from school.

Cough cough can you see the bad parenting in this cough cough?

* * *

Example 2: N Yagami

Day 1 of school: N was sent back to the local zoo for being perceived as an endangered panda cub.

Day 2: L filed a complaint.

Day 3: When complaint was not registered with the parliament of Japan, L threw a tantrum.

Day 3.5: Light killed off the principal of the school and the school miraculously burned down.

* * *

Example 3: X Yagami

Day 1: X brought in handcuffs, was sent to the principal, claimed they were from the police station, got off scotch free.

Day 2: X brought in KY sensual lube, was sent to the principal, claimed that L and Light used it to help his rash problem, got off scotch free.

Day 3: X brought in a whip, was sent to the principal, claimed that the ringleader of a circus had given it to him and it was just for show and tell, and also got off scotch free.

Come to think of it, X was rather quite good at simple addition. Maybe Light and L aren't such bad parents after all...

Or maybe X just used a calculator.

* * *

Example 4: Mikami's adopted child: Saku Jo.

Day 1: Saku Jo got teased about her name.

Day 2: Saku Jo kept getting teased about her name.

Day 3: Mikami 'accidentally' leaves out the Death Note, with a conveniently placed pen and the instructions written in basic Japanese.

Day 4: All the children and teachers in Saku Jo's pre-K class mysteriously disappeared.

Month 24: Teachers and children's bodies from Saku Jo's pre-K class are found mysteriously drifting down the river.

Saku Jo was not suspected. Because, after all, how could a little child such as herself have moved so many bodies? Of course, I'm sure she had no assistance whatsoever from her adopted father.......

* * *

Example 5: Sarah Yagami.

Day 1: Misa forgets to pack Sarah lunch, Sarah starves horribly.

Day 2: Light decides to take matters into his own hands and packs Sarah lunch...however, I don't believe Light realized that one carrot stick isn't quite enough to feed a growing child.

Day 3: Light stole one of the lunches that L packed for his...multiple children. Said child of L and Light starved, Sarah ate well that day. However, little did Light know that L only packed lunches for his children according to the child's dietary needs, and it appeared that Light had stolen M's lunch for Sarah.

Week 2: Sarah Yagami is diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.

Week 3: Light rips out all his hair in despair.

Week 4: Misa refuses to be married with Light anymore because he is no longer 'beautiful,' they get divorced, and the world rejoices. Or, at least, L does......

* * *

Example 6: Z Yagami, or the child that was forgotten

Introducing a new child into this story: Z Yagami. Yes, that is correct, the 26th child born to L and Light. I mean, those two have so many children, they should like, get their own show on TLC or whatever.

Anyway, Z Yagami has not been introduced in this story as of yet due to the fact that his whereabouts are unknown.

One day, Light was feeling really stressed out (and who can blame the poor guy, having children of that number?) and he forgot Z at school.

Upon going home and doing a head count, he realized that he was missing one of his children.

Light: "Oh, who cares, what's one here or there, we can definitely make another one."  
L: "No! We must retrieve this missing child of ours!"  
Light: "WHAT IS THIS, THE SOVIET UNION?!  
M: "Daddy, what's the soviet union?"  
L: "The USSR."  
M: "What's that stand for?"  
L: "The United States Stash of Ramen."

......?

I'm not exactly sure WTF that meant, but...whatever. It's not relevant.

Anyway, Z was missing because Light forgot him at school, and then after doing the headcount and making all the children line up in alphabetical order, young Y chirped, "Papa, Z's missing!"

And then the calamity ensued.

Light rushed back to the school, but alas, Z was not there.

After putting out several distress calls all over Japan, he finally found Z two days later at the local zoo, with permanent Sharpie drawn all over him in little stripes.

Light: "Son, I don't know what has gotten into you, but I shall not stand for this kind of public indecency!"  
Z: "But daaaadddd...I just wanted to be a zebra. N's a panda, so why can't I be a zebra?"  
Light: "........."

Oh, childrens' logic, how I love it.

Anyway, come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!

BTW, I'll be gone to Hawaii for the next week, so, yep. :D


	35. Arguments

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 34**

**"Disagreements Under the roof's Influence, or DUI for short." (I didn't count the R as a capital because I really wanted a chapter with DUI as the title :D)**

_(A/N: Hawaii was great and amazinggggg....it was really nice and stuff, except for the part where a guy tried to sell me "pronic." Which, if you don't know, is the same thing as pot...I think....)_

So you had a really, really bad day at work. Your car broke down halfway there, it rained and you were wearing white pants and your favorite rocket ship undies, you have to walk five miles to work because no cabs or buses run by there, your boss yells at you for obscenity in the office, you find out that your secretary is getting laid by your boss and so consequently has not had any time to alphabetize those really important games that just came in, your coworker laughed at you for your rocket ship undies, a thirteen year old boy laughed at you for your rocket ship undies, obese ladies hit on you for your rocket ship undies, and then when you walk back to your car, you discover that twenty-seven hoboes and one hippie managed to make a love shack out of it.

So you had a horrible day.

Then you come home to find out that that really expensive tiger cub in your household has just ripped up all the new silk sheets you had gotten for YOUR OWN PERSONAL RELAXATION.

So, consequently, you take it out into the backyard, and when calm talking does not work with it and it attempts to rip up your ass for the rocket ship undies, you pull out your conveniently concealed gun and cock it.

And your lover comes out into the backyard and screams at you for attempting to shoot an endangered species.

And you lose it.

COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION, OF COURSE.

Anyway, this chapter deals with how not to argue with your lover, and, if needs be, how to resolve an argument with your lover.

* * *

I mean, it's understandable that you don't, in general, want to argue with your lover. But if you're one of those fiery types, or one of those prosecutor types (cough cough Mikami-esque cough cough) then, it may just be in your nature to argue with your lover, and that's part of your natural charm. NOT.

Anyway. To avoid arguing with your lover, you should be agreeable. Even if you have to bite the inside of your cheek, you should be agreeable with them if you don't want frequent arguments in your household. And God knows that it's bad for the children to hear their parents arguing all the time! Then they'll grow up to be lawyers for huge corporate companies, and then they'll eventually sue Disney for being extremely racist and Disney will lose all its enterprises and Disneyland Tokyo would be very sad to take down their Hello Kitty roller coaster, I'm sure.

At least, I think Disneyland Tokyo is the one with the Hello Kitty roller coaster. What with Mattello and Mello, I don't really have time to go to amusement parks much.

If you absolutely cannot be agreeable, or if your lover is one of those types who wants to debate everything and doesn't want you to be agreeable (cough cough Mikami-esque cough cough), then I suggest for the first option, you drug yourself with something rather pleasant and mind-numbing (magic mushrooms work wonders, although make sure to clear out the laxatives in your house before taking them...you might just confuse your laxatives with happy pills), and for the second option, bite your tongue very very hard or stomp on your foot really really hard. That generally tends to put you in an argumentative mood.

And then that way, both you and your lover are happy. :D

If you are already in an argument with your lover, the best way to get out of it is to apologize. If you absolutely refuse to apologize and are as stubborn as a pig, then use a child for cover. Or a pet. Or some individual you picked up off the street whose life has been drastically affected by the domestic violence of you and your partner. Something like that. That's usually the best method.

Or, you know, the whole kiss and make up theory has been tried and true, also.

You know what they say, make up sex is the best part of arguing.

But you can have great sex without the argument. I just want to make that fact clear. All you need is some alcohol and some lacy black thongs and stilettos, and you're pretty much good to go.

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

So one day, Light woke up and discovered that his son, Z, had decided to conveniently highlight his own hair (Light's) so that they could be zebras together.

So he thought, ok, easy fix, I'll just put on this lovely "Honey-Brown Hair Dye For Men" that I picked up at Walmart the other day.

He applied it, waited 20 minutes, then rinsed it off only to discover that it had turned his gorgeous beautiful hair a hot pink.

L came in to find Light attempting to strangle Z while shaving off Z's black hair with childproof scissors, and immediately gasped and passed out on the floor and gave himself a concussion.

This prompted Light to take L to the hospital in order to avoid him dying from a horrendous skull fracture or what not.

When L woke up, he saw Light's hot pink hair, and instantly accused him of trying to make fun of his love of strawberry ice cream. Of course, being L, he completely forgot about the whole Z incident, and poor Z was forgotten amongst the ensuing argument of how Light was not, in fact, attempting to imitate a strawberry.

**GOOD EXAMPLE :) (although completely not recommended)**

For once, Mikami is in the good example category. I know, this comes as a shock to everyone. Maybe it also comes from the fact that I went and saw 2012 the other day. The apocalypse is coming, people, and this is just another sign of it.

Anyway, 2012 aside....

So Mikami and one of his now deceased wives got in an argument over dresses and Saku Jo.

Mikami held up Saku Jo as a distraction, threw Saku Jo against the wall (although, unbeknownst to the deceased wife, that specific area of the wall was padded precisely according to Saku Jo's body), and when the wife was screaming at Mikami about how he abused his own daughter, he promptly wrote her name in the Death Note and then she was dead.

Well, that was certainly one unorthodox way of resolving an argument.

It's not recommended though, people.

No, seriously.

You can't go killing off your lover just because they don't like the dress you got them.

**PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

One day, Mello was complaining about how he hated white chocolate. (Reader whoever said they would be happy if I put a reference about Mello and white chocolate in here, this is specifically for you.)

So instead of arguing back, throwing Mattello against the wall, etc., I simply went to the store and bought him black chocolate.

Inwardly, I scolded him for being racially intolerant against white people.

I ate the white chocolate myself. It was delicious.

Anyway, come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice! :D


	36. The Double Date

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 35**

**Double Dates with Other Couples**

_(A/N: Diabolous Kara, this is for you. Chocolate Crackhead, I just want to clarify that while Mikami did throw Saku Jo against the wall, he also did manage to throw her against the exact section of wall that was padded precisely to her body. Therefore, that would have required excellent throwing skills on his part and excellent...body reformation skills on her part. LOL. Suggestions appreciated as always. Sorry for being tremendously late on this chapter....)_

So you or your lover has a friend who just happens to have a lover of their own. Totally normal scenario, right?

That is, of course, until your lover/you decides that it's the best time to get to know you better by getting to know your friends and their partners better. Which may not be the greatest decision of your life. In fact, this decision that you made to get to know your lover better through their friends may be the worst decision of your life, and may potentially land you in jail.

But I mean, if you really do want to throw yourselves to the hypothetical wolves here, then this chapter is completely for you.

* * *

The Double Date (noun) - Where your couple and another couple go on a date together.

No, a Double Date does not qualify as a foursome.

And yes, it may just be one of your better ideas not to mention DD's to girls. Because if you do mention Double Dates as DD's, or Double D's, they might just take offense to that and hit you with their purse, causing you to spill scalding hot coffee all over your flesh. And let me tell you, coffee stings like a bitch when you've just woken up and aren't thinking quite coherently.

If you didn't get that reference to Double D's, I will just say it frankly: If you say them to a girl in that way, she will think you are talking about her boobs. And if it's an extremely flat-chested girl or a drag queen or something, they will get EXTREMELY offended and they will think that you are being sarcastic about their clear lack of mammary glands. If, however, it's a prostitute, you may just have gotten off the hook. You also may have just gotten AIDS. Or herpes. Or gonorrhea. Or....syphilis. DUN DUN DUN......

Anyway.

I kinda got off topic there with that whole hypothetical flat-chested/drag queen/prostitute thing. No, I swear I don't have AIDS. I get annual checkups, and I DO NOT have AIDS.

Ahem.

The Double Date may be a nice way to reconnect with your/your lover's friends and their partners, but at the same time, it may also backfire horribly. On a Double Date, you don't want to like, I don't know, act all mushy with your lover and everything, because then the other couple may be pressured into A. Watching something they don't want to see, or B. acting the same way you're acting so that it all looks like it's planned or something.

And if they chose B, they just revealed to you that they responded to peer pressure and were probably one of those kids who got bullied into trying pot in high school. If they chose A...well....it's like watching adult videos when your kid is in the house, you know? Except we're talking from the viewpoint of the kid.

So basically, on a double date, just try to act normal. And while holding hands and stuff is okay, the complete making out is...kinda not.

* * *

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

Mello and I went on a Double Date with Light and Misa. I have no idea where L was.

I think Light made the vague statement that L was tied up to a bed somewhere in the SPK headquarters with something shoved up his ass.

But I'm not quite sure. And I don't think I want to be quite sure of that.

Anyway, Light and Misa acted normally, and Mello and I acted normally as well. And all was good.

And normal and Misa...well...don't really mix, you know, so...maybe Light had drugged her or something.

Or had threatened her with divorce if she didn't comply and act like the perfect Japanese wife to his perfect Japanese husband appearance.

Little did Light know...his fly was down.

I didn't tell him.

:D

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

Mello and I then went on a Double Date with Light and Mikami the next weekend. This time, I have no idea where either L or Misa were.

I think Light made the vague statement that L was still tied up to a bed somewhere in the SPK headquarters with something shoved up his ass, and he had dropped Misa off at an arcade and given her a roll of quarters.

But whatever.

Well, we went to a nice restaurant, because we figured, oh, okay, we're all mature here, we can totally handle a nice restaurant.

Well, we certainly thought wrong.

Everything was going great until the food arrived.

Mikami saw something that looked suspiciously like a leek in Light's food, and knowing that Light was deathly allergic to leeks, he quickly whipped out his Death Note, politely asked the waiter for his name, and then wrote it down, killing him within a matter of minutes. How the waiter did not realize that the black notebook Mikami pulled out of seemingly nowhere had the title of DEATH NOTE, I really don't know, but...well...he died.

And then Light told Mikami that he was abusing the Death Note, and that that meant he would have to "punish" him when they got home.

I swear I could see Mikami salivating.

Masochist.

**PERFECT EXAMPLE :D**

Once again, L and Light have made it into the perfect example through sheer willpower.

The main reason that they're in this one is that while L acted completely like Misa and just sat there and stared at the wall, Light...had his fly up.

Seriously.

That's the only reason I can think of that puts them into the perfect example. =.=

Well, you gotta admit, at least now we know that Light didn't have mad sex with L just before coming to the date. Whereas...the Misa example, there could be some...different interpretations of why his fly was down.

Anyway, I must leave to go to the store. Mello is being all cranky again, and I just want to make sure we have enough chocolate in the house to sustain his needs.

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	37. In Public

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 36**

**"Etiquette in the Public World."**

_(-LE GASP-: I am so sorry that I haven't been updating...I've had A LOT of tests lately ....although you should all be extremely happy to know that I scored a 97% in my calculus test. Furthermore, I took the PSAT recently and scored higher than 99% of sophomores in the writing section...which means that I'm 100% percentile, right?...except I missed 120 points out of 800. Which is really confusing. Anyway, on with the story, hope you guys are having/will have fabulous holidays, and remember suggestions for this story are always welcome. Enjoy! :D)_

You're in the outside world with your lover, sharing a coffee at Starbucks or something like that.

The barista that made you your drink happened to be a particularly evil nemesis of yours, and attempted to poison you by putting powdered cyanide in your latte.

However, said barista didn't have the best of eyesight, what with that long shaggy hair that definitely should not be allowed on a prosecutor, and he accidentally switched the cyanide for powdered Viagra. Completely honest mistake, I can assure you; after all, they both are the same color, and it must be very hard to see through that shaggy mane.

Anyway, let's just say the powdered cyanide may have been better to put into the latte than the powdered Viagra.

You know, what with side effects of Viagra and all.

I mean, if I were that unfortunate person who had gotten powdered Viagra in his latte, I would much rather have picked the powdered cyanide over the Viagra. I'd much rather drop down dead and foaming at the mouth than jump up, grab my lover, and slam them against the wall while humping their leg.

Hypothetical situation, of course. If this ever happened to you, I'm sure you would have agreed that Cyanide is better than Viagra.

There seem to be a suspicious amount of hypothetical situations in this story....

* * *

Well, for starters, I'm going to be lovably obvious and just say that you and your lover should not have sex in public. I mean, if you absolutely cannot restrain yourself or whatever, then go into the nearest bar/restaurant/person's house (this one not advised), and have mad sex in the bathroom. I mean, you'd definitely be surprised to know how many people will let you willingly into their house on a Friday night after a few good rounds of beer. You'd also be surprised at how many people are willing to let you have sex in their bathroom on a Friday night. But let me tell you, there's just something about having sex in your own bathroom; I wouldn't advise you use other peoples' bathrooms for your weekly sex rituals.

And in general, people don't usually have sex in public unless they're prostitutes and such, and even then I'm pretty sure you have your own room when you go have sex with a prostitute. I don't know; these days, the prostitutes go around on the street and have sex in people's cars. How times have changed.

I remember the days when you used to go into a prostitute's room and throw her on her bed and get down with her...have people no sex of civility these days?! Nobody really needs to see that old guy banging that prostitute in the red Camaro...

And if you're thinking, "Oh, hey, MATT has a red Camaro!" then yes, that's right. My poor car, my poor baby...she was eyewitness to one of the most vile things I have ever seen in the history of vile things. And she was so young! Only 3 years old....The good die young, the good die young.

I swear, old people should not be allowed to have sex in public. I mean, it's totally fine if they get off in their own respective houses/nursing homes/wherever they are, but...the rest of the world doesn't need to see someone the age of my grandma having sex. I mean, seriously.

The only other situation I can think of where having sex in public is normal is when there's like, a BDSM showing, or an S&M exhibition or whatever.

And let me just tell you, I've seen Mikami at quite a few of those BDSM live exhibitions they sometimes show around the seedier parts of Kyoto. I mean, he has like his own special exhibition of buttercream BDSM, where basically you tie the other person down and then force feed them buttercream frosting: "EAT IT, BITCH, EAT IT!" And the weird thing is, people like that kind of thing. And we wonder how Mikami gets all those wives of his....

I just go to the exhibitions for the cigs. No lie. If you go, you can swipe a few dozen packs of cigarettes off people because they're too busy salivating over the new collections of whips and chains that come from all over the world.

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

Mello and I never have sex in public. However, we did have sex that one time in the church...I mean, nobody was in it at the time, as it was around late evening, but...you know. There's just something completely wrong about having sex in a church. See, I, too, like everyone else, have a conscience.

There's just something deflating (literally) about having sex with your partner on a rough wooden pew and looking up to see Jesus staring down at you with his finger raised in admonition.

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

Well, Mikami, obviously, practices buttercream BDSM in public. If you MUST force feed someone buttercream, please do it in the privacy of your own house, yes?

**PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

Well, y'know, you gotta hand it to them. Soichiro Yagami and Sachiko Yagami (Light's pa and ma, respectively), have finally made their entrance into the story.

They're rather old, compared to the rest of us young ones, and...just for their credit, they have only had two rounds of sex in their lifetime: one to produce Light, the other to produce Sayu. Or at least, that's how the story goes.

I secretly think they only had the second round of sex so that they could have another little baby genius. I heard Light was writing novels at four. Or at least, that's what the parents say.

They're in the perfect example because they conduct themselves well at all times in the outside world. Well, truthfully, I can't really think of a scene in which they're together outside, but, you never know. They gotta go grocery shopping together some times.

Anyway, come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	38. Family and the Senders of Fruitcakes

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 37**

**"Having family over for the holidays."**

_(Part of this chapter comes from my own personal experience. So, y'know, pity me, but at the same time, feel free to laugh. But not when your grandparents are in the room. They might take offense if they see what you're reading. Enjoy!)_

'Tis the season to be jolly,  
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Let me tell you something from the get-go: 'Tis NOT the season to be jolly. In fact, 'tis the season where you want to stock up a ton of pot so that you can smoke it and be high all the time, because let me tell you one thing, my friends: The holiday season is NOT a good season to be sober in.

If I were to lay out this chapter like a persuasive paper, which I won't do because I would bore you all to death, the three topics would be:

1. You have to spend money on gifts  
2. You have to pretend to like gifts even if you absolutely hate them or run the risk of being rude  
3. Relatives ask if they can spend the holiday with you, and you can't refuse them.

Really, the third one is the real killer.

But, you know, what can you do short of committing suicide? And trust me, lying doesn't work. Parents - and inlaws - have that ability to know when you're lying, even if they can't see you.

* * *

If you have financial problems, then the first one is gonna suck. I mean, nobody wants to get a cheap little 99 cent gift from the dollar store, because then they call you up and shout at you that "you don't care" and yadda yadda yadda. Especially your mother-in-law. Oh God, I don't even want to go into that.

And truthfully, nobody enjoys the little handmade gifts. People these days are so demanding, they always want something shiny, something damned expensive, something with buttons, y'know what I mean?

And if you're like, "Oh, they want something with buttons, I'll GIVE THEM something with buttons!", then, just between you and me, they don't actually want that easy button that you got them at a 20 percent discount from Staples.

Har de har har. You're funny. But not appreciated.

* * *

For some odd reason, people love to send other people fruitcakes. Especially your mother-in-law. I mean, I don't know about you, but MY mother-in-law just loves sending fruitcakes.

If you're an absolute fruitcake lover and do not understand how anybody could be so cruel and not accept a fruitcake baked with love, I'm just going to say that...well, skip over this part of the chapter.

I HATE FRUITCAKE. And the majority of the rest of the world will agree with me.

I mean, damn it all, you could keep that thing for 20 years, unwrap it, and it would still be good. That just goes to show you how much trans fats and polysaturated fats are in that thing. Not to mention fruitcakes are disgusting as hell.

If you're gonna send a person a cake, send them something with chocolate or whatever. Chocolate cake is always a good bet.

Alright.

For those poor victims out there who are reading this and know, somewhere in the back of their mind, that they're gonna get a fruitcake on their doorstep this year like they have every past year of their lives, here are some helpful tips.

1. Move to Canada, and tell your relatives/the senders of fruitcakes that you absolutely cannot accept visitors at that time because of some reason (people in the vicinity affected with swine flu, the house is a mess, etc.). Therefore, people cannot go visit you and send you a fruitcake. If you're all, "Oh my god, Matt is so stupid, they have UPS and delivery these days," then I am going to make you eat your words. It is illegal to deliver a fruitcake specifically to Canada. The reason behind this logic is that fruitcakes are so thick that when the people at the airport/delivery place scan them to make sure there's nothing dangerous in them like razors, guns, etc., they can't see anything because the fruitcake is too thick for the x-rays. Therefore, your fruitcake will never get sent to you if, and only if, you are having it delivered to Canada. Canada doesn't seem so bad now, eh?

2. Tell the senders of fruitcake that you just recently discovered that you are deathly allergic to fruit. This may or may not work. Actually, it probably won't work. But it's worth a try.

3. If you cannot avoid getting sent a fruitcake for the holidays, I mean, you could always use it as a doorstop. Or an oversized hockey puck. Or you could cut off chunks periodically through the year and throw them at unruly kids.

* * *

Having your relatives over for Christmas is kind of a pain, I'm not gonna lie. Especially if said relatives have really bratty kids, or if said relatives are really bratty kids themselves.

Case in point: Mello's brother, Jeff, and Mello's niece, Jeffina. Also, Mello's mother.

I have no idea where Jeffina's mother is.

Anyway.

So you thought Jeff was bad, being so homophobic and all and then having to stay with us over Christmas, right? Well, it gets better: he decided to bring his five year old daughter, Jeffina, along.

I mean, like, literally, EVERY TWO FUCKING SECONDS: "Mello, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU LEAVE YOUR LUBE AND HANDCUFFS OUT?!"  
"Uncle Matt, I want a toy!"  
"MELLO, WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE A VIBRATOR UNDER YOUR BED?!"  
"Uncle Matt, I want a toy!"  
"MELLO, WHY IN THE NAME OF BABY JESUS DO YOU HAVE A LACY BLACK THONG?!"  
"Uncle Matt, I want a toy!"

It's like, come on, SHUT THE FUCK UP PEOPLE!

In our defense, I just want to say this:

Said 'lube' and 'handcuffs' were actually motor oil and Jeff's own handcuffs that he left on the bathroom sink and forgot to get.  
Why was Jeff looking under our bed in the first place?  
Why was Jeff looking through Mello's underwear drawer!?

I think Jeff may be incestuous.

And Mello's mother, good LORD! I mean, honestly now!

Mello's mother is like the goddess of fruitcakes. You throw away one, she gives you another two minutes later. It's like where does she get them all?

And then to add to Jeff and Jeffina's confusion:

Mello's mother: "Here, Mello, love, here's a fruitcake. I baked it especially for you!"  
Mello: "Damn it, Mom, I don't want a goddamn fruitcake, we already have twenty!"  
Mello's mother: "Now, now, Mello, I raised you better than that. You must always appreciate the gifts people give you."  
Mello: -sigh- "Okay, Mom."

Mello is such a pushover sometimes, I swear.

Anyway, for the holidays, the best thing to do is just get stoned. Seriously. Otherwise chances are your mental state won't last. And if it does, then let's just say your fridge will be filled to the brim with fruitcakes.

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice! Next chapter is an interlude, so you won't want to miss that!


	39. Interlude VI

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Interlude VI**

**"When the family does come over."**

_(A/N: I know I haven't written in a while, and I am truly sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you, but good Lord, I never knew it was possible for teachers to assign so much homework all at once. What is this, like a civil service exam or something? Seriously. Anyway, sorry for the wait. Enjoy the chapter!)_

Don't get me wrong, you're supposed to love your family to death. But that's precisely what you want to do, love them TO death. Love them so much they'll be willingly jumping into their graves for you.

Your family is your central home base when you're a kid, all the way up until you're eighteen, sometimes earlier if your parents decide to sell you into slavery because they needed money to pay off Carlos the drug dealer, or if your parents died horribly in a tragic shootout with Carlos the drug dealer and you were orphaned in the streets.

Or if you ran away. That could always work too.

But when you're an adult, assuming your family hasn't abandoned you/sold you/died, they're kind of the last things on your mind.

I mean, would you honestly want your mother to walk in on the middle of you and your lover having sex?

If you said yes, you may have a fetish, and I would recommend a psychologist.

* * *

**Family Experience Number One: Light**

As we all know, Light's a great family guy. Not.

Have you noticed in the anime and manga, like, whenever he comes home, when he does go home, he just barges right up to his room where he performs his evil deeds of crime? Not even a hello to his mom or sister or whatever. Guess he doesn't think much of them or something.

See, this is exactly why Light is like Shakespeare: He's a misogynist.

And people wonder why Light never really liked Misa and only kissed her in order to turn her into his mindless slave.

Anyway, it was a bright and sunny day, well, rather, more like a dark and stormy night, when J Yagami was first conceived. If you have forgotten, J Yagami is the tenth child of Light and L.

Upon that fateful night, it just so happened that the power went out across Japan due to some tidal wave striking the central grid or something absurd like that.

Light's mother, who was terrified of the dark because she had recently seen The Grudge and was scared for her life, herded everybody into the car and drove over to Light's apartment two blocks away.

Unfortunately, on this dark and stormy night, as described three paragraphs above, Light and L were procreating so that their other nine children wouldn't be too lonely. Plus L wanted to test something he'd read on the Internet about how having vigorous sex while intravenously connected to a potato could produce light in a lightbulb also connected to said vegetable.

And this is how Sachiko Yagami found her son and his husband on that dark and stormy night ever so long ago.

Needless to say, she definitely preferred The Grudge eating her soul than having to see something like that again.

* * *

**Family Experience Number 2: Light**

Light was definitely embarrassed after his mother came and saw him procreating with L for the sake of trying to light up a lightbulb while connected to a vegetable. So after the vigorous sex was over, and the lightbulb failed to light, Light (lol) sped out of that place as fast as he could, and hightailed it over to Mikami's flat.

Unfortunately, Soichiro had been having legal issues with the Stupid People Klan lately, and had taken advantage of the power outage to go and see Mikami, whom, he claimed, "would be sure to have a backup generator. You know, those lawyers, they've got so much money they can afford the best in the world."

Soichiro left Sachiko and Sayu in the car while he went in to go talk to Mikami about his issues with the SPK.

Unfortunately, on this particular night, when it was dark and stormy and the full moon was shining somewhere off in the distance, Mikami was practicing his buttercream BDSM.

And Soichiro just happened to stumble in on a particularly...graphic scene with Mikami attempting to paint the Mona Lisa on Light's naked chest with diluted buttercream frosting.

Light's father stumbled out of the building, screaming about red velvet cupcakes and about how he needed to go see a therapist.

* * *

**Family Experience Number 3: Light**

Light's parents were very proud that he had married Takada.

They were also very sad when Takada died.

And so, in honor of Takada's memory, the Yagami family packed up their things and drove over to see Takada's gravestone in the local cemetery on what would have been Light and Takada's anniversary.

When they got there, Sachiko practically fainted at the sight of a pale hand reaching up over the hole that had been dug over the grave, thinking it was the Grudge out to get her.

Sayu, who was not afraid of such things, watched as her older brother climbed out of the grave, dusted off his suit, and struck a heroic pose while thrusting a diamond wedding ring into the air.

Upon seeing his family, he smiled, laughed nervously, and backed away, muttering something about "how he needed more funds for his employees."

In all reality, I'm going to bet that he used the money pawned from that wedding ring to pay child support to Near, Misa, and God only knows however many other women out there bore his spawn.

* * *

**Family Experience Number Four: Mikami**

Now, back in the day, I guess Mikami was a huge fan of Winnie the Pooh.

Not too long ago, Mikami's parents dropped by his flat for a surprise reunion, and they walked in on their son cackling madly in his swivel chair while the Winnie the Pooh: Satan Worship video played on Youtube on full volume.

In between Pooh's statements of "Yak's blood, yak's blood, holy holy yak's blood," Mikami stared at his parents, his parents stared at Mikami, and..well, he didn't kill them or force them to eat buttercream.

It was just an awkward moment.

And yes, I'm not making this video up. If you search Winnie the Pooh Satan Worship on Youtube, there is actually a video about that.

But there's also a short ten minute animated film that Walt Disney did titled The Story of Menstruation. If you want somewhat of a laugh, fast forward to 7:30 with the girl brushing her hair. I could compare that girl to Mello on his low self esteem days.

Anyway, sorry for the wait, again, but come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice! And keep suggestions coming!


	40. Sibling Rivalry

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 40**

**"Sibling Rivalry."**

_(A/N: Yes, I've skipped like a ton of lessons, but for the sake of keeping me sane and not blowing my already overloaded brain capacity sky high with the scrambling of chapter numbers and lesson numbers, I will be keeping the lesson numbers the same as the chapter it is on. So don't feel gipped if you look back and see there aren't actually forty lessons. BTW, I got my desired grades, although I am slightly ashamed to admit the fact that only two of my grades were solid grades, and I think two of my grades were rounded. But...whatever? :D)_

In all honesty, you guys, it's been hard to get inspired by the wall recently. I mean, with Mattello growing up so fast, and Mello coercing (well, more like forcing) him to go over to Near's so that A-Light's influence somehow rubs off on him, it puts a lot of strain on me. You know, being the dominant aka nicer parent in this family. I mean, take last week for example.

Near, who is teaching Mattello everything he will need to know in this world in order to become the next great genius in a long line of great male geniuses, assigned my son a 20 page long term paper on the construction of biosensors and why these products would be profitable for today's market.

Okay, now let's get things straight here. My son is 5.

I'm sorry, but that's kinda pushing the limit here? Needless to say, I sweatdropped. Majorly.

And then on top of that, Mattello asked me to proofread his paper. I didn't have the heart to say no. I mean, you look into those big blue eyes, and you just kinda melt a little inside, you know? I couldn't help but say yes. And then, well, let's just say that I fell asleep on the laptop and it overheated because the heating vent was blocked by my arm. Mattello burst into tears because I apparently didn't care about his paper, and I suffered horrible third-degree burns and was rejected by a five year old when I attempted to make up with him.

Well, you're probably wondering how the hell a paper about biosensors got into this story, and...truthfully, it's my lame excuse for not writing lesson plans for a while.

(The biosensor paper is also the main reason why Skyskater hasn't been inspired. See what Near starts? This must be a conspiracy, to make everyone's brains explode from the sheer long wordedness of biomedical devices.)

* * *

In retrospect, it's probably a good thing Mattello doesn't have any siblings. Because let me tell you, I went over to L and Light's place one day to pick up something for Mello, and the place was a godawful mess. Toys everywhere. Dirty clothes and dishes everywhere. The washing machine overflowing with suds and an unfortunately misplaced child who was apparently having the time of his life in a new reinvented bubble bath. Children running wild all over the house. And in the middle of all this chaos, Light and L sleeping on the couch.

Talk about irresponsible parents.

Anyway, upon seeing me, one little child wearing an absolutely filthy white shirt screamed, "It's Uncle Matt!" and then I don't remember much except getting completely mobbed by at least thirty little brats all in varying stages of cleanliness.

When I came to, I still found myself being buried under a pile of little bodies, but I heard a rather loud commotion going on a few inches above my head. Standing up and brushing the little cretins off me, I looked to see two children fighting rather possessively over "who got to see Uncle Matt first."

The skinny one with the black and white hair, whose name I believe is Z, was arguing in a very...profane manner with the quieter, more direct N, I think it was, or whichever one bears a distinct resemblance to a panda. I swear, I mean, do these children kiss their parents with those mouths? Well, now that I think about it, yes, yes, they probably do. I wouldn't put it past Light to hire Mikami for a babysitter, in which case Mikami would let the children run amok, but not before teaching them every swear word in every possible language he could remember from his high school days. I wouldn't put it past him. Mikami's gotta be a rebel somewhere deep down in those lawyerish, BDSM-oriented suits.

"What the fuck, N? Uncle Matt hasn't seen me in weeks!"  
"No shit, Z. But you know what, Uncle Matt hasn't seen me in years!"  
"What the fuck would you know about years? You don't even know how to count!"  
"That's bullshit! I'm the son of two geniuses, of course I know how to count!"  
"Oh, guess what, I'm the son of two geniuses too, dumbass!"  
"They love me more! I was born first!"  
"No, bon sang! That's not true, you lying piece of shit!"

Bon sang apparently means damn it in French. See, Mikami probably wanted to learn the language of love so that he could go to France and charm all the lovely French girls with their little berets, and then drug them, drag them into a seedy hotel room and have his way with them.

Their eyes were locked on each other as they continued their argument, and the rest of the horde of children gathered around them to watch, chanting "Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" while the little boy in the washing machine just spun around in circles and screamed "Whee!"

Needless to say, it was a nightmare. I grabbed the object I needed, pulled out my gun in case I needed to ward off any of the little monsters with a few well placed blanks to harm their eardrums, and hurriedly backed out the door. Slamming it behind me, I ran to my car, threw the door open, shoved the key in the ignition, and hightailed it out of that hellhole.

It's a wonder Light and L aren't dead by this time. It's either that or they're trying to raise Japan's next army singlehandedly, and at the rate they're going, they might actually succeed.

Anyway, sibling rivalry is bad, and I suggest you encourage that your children get together with each other and coexist in peace. Also, try not to favor either one of them, because that can only fuel more rivalry.

Or if you don't want to deal with sibling rivalry at all, have one or fewer children. Abstinence after your first baby usually works, 99.9 percent of the time. If you're wondering about the other .1 percent, there's always the slight chance that you might be the Virgin Mary reincarnate and are having an immaculate conception.

* * *

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

I must say, Light and Sayu's parents did an excellent job of raising them so as not to be sibling rivals. They bought everything in twos, literally. Whenever Light got a new tie, they would give Sayu a new tie. Whenever they got Sayu a new dress, they bought Light a new dress.

And in this way, Light and Sayu had exactly the same things of the other, and there was no cause for jealousy.

Commendably done, Mr. and Mrs. Yagami, commendably done.

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

As demonstrated in the body of this chapter, Light and L have let their children run amok, and I think it can be safe to say that there will either be mass homicides at that house, a high frequency of very odd things happening in that house, or the zombie apocalypse will be started at that house.

I mean, if you get to the point where you can just not care anymore, I think it's time to look into not having any more children, yeah?

Like on the Sims 3, you can't have more than six children at a time if you're living with your wife/husband and no one else in the house. There's a limit for 8 people in a house on the Sims 3. See, if people put that rule into effect in their lives, or applied the Chinese one child rule, then overpopulation wouldn't be so bad as it is today. Or perhaps Light and L decided to pick out thirty some unprivileged families that could not conceive and so conceive children for each one of those families. That would definitely appeal to L's generous nature.

**PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

Mattello is an only child.

Only child = one child = no siblings to rival against!

Well, and he's also an only child because Mello refused to ever look that large again.

Anyway, come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	41. A Tragedy in the Family

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 41**

**"A Death in the Family -insert dramatic music here-"**

_(A/N: I'm sure you guys are tired of hearing me apologize for not updating like I used to. As discussed before, the biosensor paper has been keeping me away from this story. Sorry T.T...if anyone wants to write a ten page term paper on biosensors for me, that would be great though. :D)_

So something traumatic happened in your family.

A grandparent passed away from lung cancer.

A long distance relative that you didn't even know committed suicide because they saw that Johnny Depp now ranked a mere number two on the list of most popular American actors of 2010. Though you didn't know them, you were still forced to dress up in tight, itchy clothes (suffocating ties for a boy, horrifying lace ruffles for a girl) and attend their funeral and pretend like you actually cared about them while your mother cried into a handkerchief and your father saw an opportunity and took a 40 minute nap on the pew next to you.

You saw a squirrel get run over by a car while the driver who looked suspiciously like Mikami didn't even bother to slow down and instead laughed maniacally down the rest of the road.

Something like that.

This chapter is basically about what you should do, and what you shouldn't do, when something horrible happens in your family. (cue dramatic music here; I find the Phantom of the Opera works extremely well)

* * *

There are five stages of grieving. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Or DABDA for short.

When a family member is in denial, I mean, let them be in denial for a while. Don't attempt to force them to accept reality just yet because, who knows, their fragile little souls just might not be able to handle it and they might crack. If you are reminded of Mikami, don't worry. I'm sure after reading the previous sentence you were even if you weren't before. And seriously, it really does explain why he's so...odd. I'll bet he was the one in a million case who saw a squirrel get run over by his own eyes.

When a family member is angry, it might just be a good idea to hide away all the sharp objects in the house and the things you value. For example, hide away the knives because, well, I'm assuming you love this family member very much and don't want them to commit suicide. Furthermore, hide away your wedding china, because things like that are prone to get smashed when your family member throws one of his/her temper tantrums.

When they're in the bargaining stage, don't attempt to take advantage of them and say things like, "Yeah, he'll come back if you pay me so and so amount." It just doesn't work that way, and then you might be forced to sleep outside in the cold, harsh night for lying and using them. And let me tell you, that sucks.

When they become depressed, let's just say keep the chocolate ready. Chocolate apparently makes people feel all warm and fuzzy inside and it's also good for you in small quantities. Although I would never tell Mello that.

When they accept it, good for you. Good for you. Now you can resume living a normal lifestyle and you can almost pretend that nothing tragic ever happened. I say almost because there are good chances that your family member will still keep a lifesize portrait of said dead person/animal/smashed inanimate object above their bed.

* * *

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

When Mattello's first pet died, he was so, so very sad. One day he woke up to just find his goldfish, Goldy, floating upside down on top of the tank. Boy, does that kid have a set of lungs on him.

And then, of course, I was getting all ready to have a funeral ceremony for Goldy, but then Mello, being the insensitive person that he is at around that time of month, decided to fish out Goldy with a pair of chopsticks and unceremoniously throw him down the toilet.

Well, I, being the decidedly better paternal figure, comforted Mattello all throughout his stages of grief.

And so today, Mattello is no longer that sad about Goldy. Although I think he is a bit scarred about Mello's treatment of the dead.

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

As I have stated before, I believe Mikami is the one who lived through that I-just-watched-a-squirrel-get-run-over trauma.

And maybe he really hated the color red coming out of squirrels or something.

And so maybe that is why today he laughs maniacally and runs over helpless little squirrels in the road.

See, this is proof that he is not quite in his right mind.

Psychology 101, baby.

**PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

Not trying to bring anything sad into this story, but L miscarried one time. And everybody was sad.

Except for when Light brilliantly said, "Oh well, we'll just try and have another!"

And the world rejoiced. Except for me, because I practically sacrificed my eyes as I caught a split second of them getting it on in the hospital room before I could turn my eyes away.

Anyway, I have to go and watch Meteor Garden now. Chinese dramas are always the best, especially because I can't understand what they're saying. But it's a really good show.

Wow, I'm starting to sound like an old grandparent who has nothing better to do with their time.

Anyway, come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	42. AUTHOR INSERT

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**AUTHOR INSERT HERE**

Alright guys. So I've been proverbially 'afk' for a year from this site, and, tragically, this story. And I truly do apologize for that.

Anyway. Straight to business.

This bloody document refused to upload, so in the end, I had to export one of the chapters from MGTLDAM, and as a result, I'm lying here at 11:33 PM, typing this. Just so filled with complaints.

Ok. I'll stop.

So.

I'm going to continue this story, in the same format [and hopefully the same style] as I was writing it a year and some odd months ago.

Chapter requests will be considered, most of them accepted.

Regular story requests will also be accepted, provided they follow the guidelines in my profile.

So, yeah.

I'm back.

-Skyskater


	43. The Electra ComplexOedipus Thing

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 43 [God only knows what lesson we're actually on]**

**"The Electra Complex/Oedipus thingamabobs"**

_(A suggestion by BeyondBirthday93, who said that there should be a chapter about children fighting against parents for the attention of the other parent, etc etc. On the other hand, how are all of you fine people doing? We haven't talked in a while ehehehe...awkward laugh is awkward.)_

So I guess this is the part where I apologize, because I've been gone for so long. Before I start this chapter, let's just get some background news going, so all y'all are updated.

In case you couldn't tell, I've had a recent fascination with Texas. I don't know why. The only state with an X in its name? Perhaps.

So.

Update 1: Mattello's started communicating in emoticons :D. There was never a prouder father than me. Mello, of course, is more than a bit pissed, but he's always like that, yeah?

Update 2: I think Saku Jo [Mikami's adopted kid] is more Mikami than...well, Mikami's own kid. Which, if you don't remember, was conceived at a time that Light was not aware of, and which, after birth, was subsequently donated to an orphanage. Records show that he has grown up to be a very timid, shy little boy, wary of strangers, and rather, RATHER allergic to buttercream.

Update 3: 9Gag has got to be one of the best websites ever invented. I mean, the creators are BRILLIANT. Who would think to put Inception memes, weird anime subs involving odd sexual practices, and face palms all in one site? THESE PEOPLE. Go check it out if you have the chance. It's like I can't stop clicking.

Update 4: Well, it's official. Light and L have their own TLC show now. I believe the show is called, "L and Light plus 26 - oh wait no, there's another one we haven't counted yet, oh fuck it all, L and Light plus infinity". Personally, I'm horrified that anyone would make that a show.

Update 5: Giovanni has officially been banned from the Sanrio store. Do I know why? Not really, but I think he's trying to keep things on the down low. Nothing could hurt his manly pride more than admitting he'd been in the Sanrio store in the first place.

Update 6: Sarah's (Light and Misa's retarded kid) has been sent to a private school in the United States. Last thing I heard, she was getting her 3 squares a day and was doing quite well.

I believe it's time for the chapter to start now.

* * *

So you have kids. If you don't, substitute some small defenseless animal here.

For some really, superbly odd reason, at first the kid will be more attracted to the parent of the opposite gender. No one knows why, but it's my belief that these babies are conniving little bastards who just want to steal them away from you.

**In a Pokemon announcer's voice: **

**"Oh! Baby used cockblock! It's super effective!" **

**And then there's you:**

**"And unnerved parent used splash. As about as effective as a Magikarp."**

**Don't get me wrong, Magikarps are amazingly cool. I mean, once that thing evolves, HELL YEAH GYARADOS - COMPLETE MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE**

**But I'm getting distracted. **

**Basically, point is, the kid will be more attracted to the parent that's not the same gender as the kid. In girls, this is called the Electra Crisis or Complex, and in boys, this is called the Oedipus something or other. If I had had the good sense to write this chapter earlier, I'm sure I could have asked Skyskater to shamelessly plagiarize from her AP Psychology textbook. Alas, 'twas not meant to be, 'twas not meant to be. **

**But eventually, this Electra/Oedipus thing clears up, and the child then turns to both parents as wonderful role models able to help them through life. NOT. **

* * *

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

Name: Sarah Yagami

Parents: Light and Misa

Of course, Sarah was very jealous that she wasn't pretty like Light or Misa, or smart like Light or Misa (if Misa could be called smart, I mean, she was practically the whole reason the Kira gig PHAILED), and so she ended up being jealous of both her parents, but tended to side with Misa, because Misa was so airheaded that she couldn't tell a paper bag from an elephant, and so usually gave in to Sarah's ways.

But now dear Sarah is somewhere in the United States growing corn or whatnot, and I'm sure she feels quite at home.

* * *

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

Name: N Yagami

Parents: L and Light

N (the panda child, in case you don't remember) was very very very jealous of Light at birth, and snarled and grunted at him whenever Light would hold him. L, of course, enforced this behavior by feeding N milk with cream in it to make it taste better or something, and so N would snuggle up to L and thus effectively blue ball Light.

In retrospect, I commend N for doing this. Of course, it later proved to be a very uneffective strategy, as Light and L went on to have more and more and more and MOAR children.

To this day, N hasn't stopped snarling at Light violently, or giving him THE LOOK.

You know which look I'm talking about.

* * *

**AN EVEN WORSE EXAMPLE DX**

Name: Saku Jo

Parents: Mikami (and any other number of wives or lovers he may have had during the time of Saku Jo)

Now, we all know that Mikami's pretty busy with his prosecuting duties and stabbing people with pens and writing people's names in Death Notes or whatnot, so he rarely has any sort of time for family life.

Thus, his subsequent girlfriends or wives (actually, I think slaves is a better term for it) often feel very neglected and start to do absolutely ridiculous things, like redecorate his house and hang up frilly new curtains in the windows.

I mean, what self-respecting man would let that happen?

Mikami, apparently.

Anyway, Saku Jo got pretty fed up of all these wives and girlfriends and slaves doing all these things to her house, and she was all, "Bitch, please." Then, following Mikami's example, killed them all using the Death Note.

And Mikami was proud.

So, so very proud.

* * *

**PERFECT EXAMPLE :D**

Name: Mattello Keehl-Jeevas (because mother's last name comes first or something like that)

Parents: who else?

Mattello used to not like me as much as Mello either, but we're cool now.

And that is that.

Well, I actually think he likes me more now, probably because Mello always goes on house rampages when he runs out of chocolate.

Anyway.

I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz (and yes, this is probably a euphemism for me chain-smoking massively and drag racing in my Camaro with Mattello, because he loves these kinds of things. Loves living life on the edge, just like his parents.)

I'll see you soon (and I do mean soon) with more love, dating, and marriage advice!

[SUGGESTIONS NAO PLOX]


	44. The Illegitimate Children

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 44**

**"All them illegitimates." (and we're not talking about birth certs)**

_(A/N: Suggestions for MGTLDAM chapters as well as for stories are accepted and welcomed.)_

* * *

Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?

I see humans. Oh, mortals, how you never fail to amuse me.

On another note, I was looking back at this story, and I realized that that new "share on Facebook/Twitter/whatever other social media site you prefer" is disrupting the centering of the title. Which makes me very sad. Not because I'm OCD, but because...well, I mean, when you're looking at a line, and one thing's out of place, don't you feel a little out of place in your soul?

Oh, wait, jkay. That's my heart counter malfunctioning again. Silly Link and Zelda. (Really random fact, did you know that the author of The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald, had a wife whose name was Zelda? EPIC.)

Anyway.

So you thought you knew everything about your partner, did you? How foolishly naive. Unfortunately, what with divorce and infidelity rates in America being so high these days, it's not surprising if your lover randomly has children stashed away in some secret corner of Florida.

Oh. Wait. I forgot. This is Japan, where the government pays you to procreate. :D

But if you do happen to be American, and reviewing the stats from this story, it appears as though the majority of you good folk are, then this chapter is for you and your infidelicious lovers.

* * *

Well, first of all, what you want to do is you want to pwn that bitch. I mean, if they had kids while you were still going out with them or whatever, because that shit's fucked up. (See the Cheating chapter, wayyy back in Chapter 9).

Although, in retrospect, if you were a woman and decided to cheat on your man (or woman, if that be the case), how would you explain it if you randomly got pregnant? Immaculate conception? Or something like that? Or like, jump out from behind a door and scream "SUPPLIESSSS!" which, for those of you who are uncultured swine, translates to "SURPRISE" in a tremendously fobbish accent. [I mean no offense to anyone, but God, I love me my memes. Leo strut? HELL YEAHHH. .rar inside a .rar inside a .rar? COMPRESSION. FUCK. YES.]

Anyway, at any rate, I suppose you should at least be somewhat flattered that your partner happened to choose you instead of their illegitimate children, but it's kind of a toss up between the fact that they have illegitimate children in the first place, and the fact that, well, THERE ARE ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT. Which kind of dismantles all that trust you guys built up in the first place. If there was trust to begin with. This is assuming your relationship isn't like Light's and L's, where one half of the relationship continuously accused the other half of being Kira, and said other half did everything in his power to prove him wrong.

But, as a wise man once said, "If you fall in love with someone else while you're already in love with someone, choose the second person, because you fell for them." -Johnny Depp.

Or at least, the quote went something like that.

My point is, yes, it's natural to be hurt about the fact that your lover may/may not have illegitimate children with other people, but, at least the good part is you're the one they chose? You are the fucking Pikachu in their life. Not the Rattata, the Torchik, or even the DODRIO. No. Ur the fucking Pikachu. And that should be flattery enough for you.

That wasn't my point.

My point is, potato. That will be all.

* * *

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

Well, Misa does have a random child named Misa II somewhere in the wilderness. Light knows about it. L knows about it. Hell, even Mikami knows about it, which, when you get down to business (to defeat the Huns), is actually rather scary.

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

Little known fact: One of L and Light's children isn't actually theirs. I suspect foul play. Whose do you think it is? The world may never know, but I would like to hear your good opinions on this matter.

**EVEN WORSE EXAMPLE DX**

So, Mikami, what with his excesses of past girlfriends (bless their souls), it's almost expected that he should have some random children somewhere. And he does. Except that all his next girlfriends don't know anything about them. That's why Mikami opens and closes his front door so fast. Not because he's afraid of being caught out for the Kira idolizer he is, but because he's secretly letting in his illegitimate children and wants to keep things on the DL. [Down-low, if you guys don't speak gangster.]

**THE PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

The perfect example is me and Mello (of course) simply because neither of us have illegitimate children! And don't worry. I've done a full hack of Japan's governmental system, and have systematically and efficiently ruled out every blond child as being potentially Mello's.

And I would think I don't have any illegitimate children. Unless, of course, someone was following me all this time, picking up every shed hair, and then harvesting the DNA from it so make a tiny little Matt fetus that they implanted in their own body so then they could technically have my child without me ever being within three feet of them. Is that even really a child, though? Or just a clone? I wonder.

Anyway, all this thinking is making my head hurt. I'm not used to being so philosophical.

Plus it's the Fourth. I'm off to get effectively trashed. :D

Suggestions and challenges welcome!

-Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	45. The Doctor DUN DUN DUN

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 45**

**"The Dreaded Doctor"**

_(A/N: To norsegodchick some random number that I can't be bothered to look up right now, yes, you can write a Pokemon version of this, as long as you give me credit for the idea. I'm debating whether or not to write Mello's/Mikami's version for this. And yes, you can make a video series of this. As long as you give me credit, and link me. And let me post the links on my profile. :D And put it on youtube. :D)_

* * *

So the hacker finally got hacked. A once in a lifetime experience, if you will. I was shocked to realize that I had supposedly sent some scam email about like, how I was lost in London and had lost my bag or whatnot, and asked people to send money to me. Mello was very angry about that, because OBVIOUSLY I wasn't lost in London and OBVIOUSLY I hadn't lost my bag (not that I really carry one around in the first place).

But anyway, yeah. I'm in Vegas right now :D. I'm supremely excited. Gambling? HELLLLLL YEAAHHHHHH.

Just a tip though. No slots. Slots puts you in this kind of trance where you just keep going and going and lose all your money at some point. If you're going to gamble, play at the big tables. I find I'm quite lucky at Poker. Blackjack, not so much. I can't count a 6-deck shoot.

But ANYWAY. Enough about me.

So if you have doctor-phobia, or are absolutely terrified of those clean, whitewashed walls and squeaky floor tiles that smell of wax and lemon polish, or if you have kids who are like this, then this is the chapter for you: How to deal with those petrified little miscreants.

* * *

Really, going to the doctor isn't something to be scared of. I mean, unless you were a serial killer like Mikami and you were linked to 13 different murders because you somehow brilliantly managed to drop one single strand of hair at all 13 crime scenes, and you were afraid that if the doctor took your DNA they would find out you were the murderer (it's a House episode; this one homeless guy turned out to be a serial killer who ate his victims). But in all honesty, the doctors are there to help you. And I really do believe this.

I mean, there are so many medical miracles out there these days. Like...um...polio, for instance. No one really gets polio these days. Except for FDR, I think, but that was WAYYYY back a long time ago, and my American history is bad anyway.

If your kids/partners are freaked out about going to the doctor because they're afraid of pain or whatnot, just reassure them that everything is going to be okay. Use rational thinking and talking, and everything should turn out fine.

If the talking doesn't work, as it sometimes doesn't, then by all means, feel free to bribe them with a lollipop to get in the car or something (or, in my case, chocolate). Or promise them you'll take them out to the beauty salon or the ice cream parlor (or any destination you may so choose) if they comply with the doctor's orders and be a good little individual for the most part of the excursion to the doctor's office.

If THAT doesn't work, then, I mean, what choice do you really have except to knock them out, tie them up, and just cart them off to the doctor's office? See? That's the thing with the whole Takada gig. She didn't want to go to the doctor's office, so, well, there you go. Drastic times call for drastic measures. Or something like that.

I'm not saying that shots don't hurt, or that medicine doesn't taste horrifically bad. I'm just saying that, you know, at the end of the day, it really does help. And if you care about your children/partner(s), you should definitely make sure they get their medical checkups on time. You know. So you can avoid the fibromyalgia and arthritis or whatever comes along with all those hard times opening jars of pickles.

* * *

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

Surprisingly, Mikami makes it to the good example. A rarity, if you will. One of the 7 wonders of the ancient world. Except Mikami's not ancient.

Well, then again, he probably is, I've seen several cave drawings that look suspiciously like a person holding a notebook. Cue Mikami here.

Anyway.

Mikami always makes sure that Saku Jo gets her vitamins and her yearly physicals. I mean, you've got to give it to the guy, he's right on top of things. Then again, I suppose maybe he's just doing it so that he can make sure she's healthy so she can continue deleting the entire population of Japan with him? You know what they say. Like father, like daughter.

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

For some reason, Halle always neglects to take A-Light to the doctor's office, and thus Giovanni is left in charge of the little cretin. The poor man. I pity him greatly.

On a very random tangent, fries taste so damn good in the morning.

**AN EVEN WORSE EXAMPLE DX**

L and Light keep forgetting to bring all of their spawn to the doctor's office. I'm surprised that the World Health Organization hasn't marked their house as the start of many plagues.

**THE PERFECT EXAMPLE :D**

I always bring Mello and Mattello to the doctor's office. Every year, without fail. I am a responsible individual, who takes care of my brethren.

I don't even know the definition of brethren, but I think I'm using it wrong.

Anyway, I'm off to go play some poker. :D Gotta love the Sin City.

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	46. Buttercream and Bondage, MIKAMI STYLE

**Mikami's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Chapter 1. **

**"The Lovely Art of Bondage and Buttercream."**

_(A/N: Since many people have been asking for a Mikami's Guide, here's a chapter from a proverbial guide that has in no way, shape, or form, been written or planned. If you would like a Mikami's Guide desperately, maybe I will be persuaded to write one. And maybe I will not be. Also, to Postal and Anonymous Reviewer, please no massively huge arguments on what the presence of mpreg does or does not contribute to the story. Your opinions are respected and appreciated. Thank you.)_

* * *

My name is Mikami Teru, and by day I am just a humble prosecutor. By night, however, I am God's right hand.

GOD'S RIGHT HAND.

Apparently, Matt, a lowly minion, a peon simply to be used and then tossed away, has been feeding you all these ideas that there is such a thing as love. There is no love. There is only hatred and fear.

What is dating, then, you may ask? Dating is just a euphemism for what it actually is: a ritualistic process upon which the alpha partner attempts to impress the beta partner with flashy displays of meaningless things such as flowers, candies, or dinners and movies. These things are all nothing in comparison with the metaphysical nature of what is Godlike and what is not. The adjective Godlike can only be used to refer to one person, and that is, dare i say it, Light Yagami. He is God, and the only entity in this faithless world that holds any sort of value whatsoever.

Marriage? PFEH. Marriage is a useless and trivial ceremony. Marriage is merely a word. An eight-letter word. You know what other word has eight letters? Adultery.

All these displays of emotion and tribal ceremonies mean absolutely nothing to me, as they should mean nothing to you, for they are mere farces. Veneers, if you will. Because underneath the white dress and the layered cakes, there is nothing but intense loathing.

Intense. Loathing.

* * *

The true things of this world can be found in their physical natures. For instance, bondage. And another example, buttercream.

A sexual practice. A vile sexual practice, if you are truly narrow minded. But what you do not see is that this beautiful form of restriction teaches control. It teaches you pliancy, flexibility, how to bend to the will of others. This is an important characteristic one needs to have, so that one can follow his God well. So that one can earn dedication, devotion.

I practice bondage quite often. Both on myself and on others.

I have trained myself to lick my God's shoes clean to a squeaky polish without so much as a flinch of disgust. No untrained being would be able to do so without at least gagging, given that my God walks on such filthy floors, stained with the remnants of the day's sins and ignorances.

I have trained myself to expertly watch over my God while he is sleeping, in such a manner that no twitch of an eyelash goes unnoticed. I have done this so well, that I have been rated by the New York Times as a better guardian than Edward Cullen. I take personal pride in that statement.

I have trained myself to kill whosoever my God desires to be eliminated off the face of this earth. I kill ruthlessly and secretively, and in such a manner that no one is aware of who the killer may be.

I have trained myself to avoid pain and excessive internal and external bleeding, even when stabbed with a fountain pen. Just in case I ever need to know how to avoid certain death, if I were ever to be stabbed with some object such as a fountain pen.

I have used bondage on others before, and I am proud to say that I have helped many people find self-actualization and a purity that they never would have had otherwise. My God practices bondage himself; unfortunately, he is bound to that hideous little mongrel of a detective who is bound to attract diabetes mellitus before the age of 30.

If he were bound to me, why, I think I would just soil myself from the sheer delight. He would not be happy with that, my God. He would be angry with me, for behaving in an unprofessional manner. As he is right to be. God's indignation is delightful to behold.

* * *

Buttercream. A delicious sweet that I occasionally allow myself to indulge in. It is food fit for the gods, I am certain.

Forgive me. Not for the gods. For God. For there is only one. And I must now whip myself to pay penance for my inaccuracy.

Please excuse me. I need to retrieve my studded flog.

* * *

_So what did you think?_

_-Skyskater_


	47. Addictions

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 47 [once again, just trying to keep in tune with the actual chapter number]**

**"Addictions, Which of Course I Do Not Have."**

_(A/N: This chapter is dedicated to icywarm. Also, thank you for your reviews on the Mikami's Guide chapter; perhaps I will write one after all. We shall see. I'm surprised this fic has actually survived for two years, one year of which I didn't write at all. So really, one year, I guess. Whatever. Cheers to MGTLDAM's second year! -insert champagne- And the Mikami chapter, LOL, it took me forever to think of an eight-letter word that was a bad thing...__)_

* * *

It would appear as though Mikami decided that he had every right to go and infiltrate my lessons with his nonsensical blathering. Because, well, it was blathering, and it was rather nonsensical. I would just like to clear some things up right now.

First of all, I'm not a peon. Rather, I'm a PIMP. In Grand Theft Auto, at least. Point is, pimp does NOT equal peon. I find that term degrading.

"There is no love. There is only hatred and fear." I think somebody's parents didn't love him quite as much as he had hoped when he was a little child...

I mean...hatred and fear? You'd think this guy lives off the lost hopes and dreams of young children. Oh wait. He does.

Anyway.

This lesson will be about addiction, addictions you or your partner or children may have. Well, I mean, heaven forbid your child should be addicted to anything, but if he or she is, or if you know anyone who has a severe addiction to something, this is a chapter you should read. I strongly, STRONGLY recommend it.

* * *

You know the first step to battling addiction is to realize you have one. Now, I realize and accept that you may not have an addiction, as you people are rather normal in comparison with the people I am acquainted with (cue Mikami and Light and L and Misa here). But you may know someone who has an addiction, to alcohol, or drugs, or gambling, or something like that, so I suggest you read this chapter if you do.

Some people like the cold turkey thing. I personally have bad experiences with that sort of method. It's too sudden, you know, too sudden of a shock to the system, and they could end up in the hospital, and you'd be stuck with hideously expensive medical bills that you could have used to buy, I don't know, video games or chips or something. (Video games. Not chips. Video games.)

I prefer the gradual approach. It seems to work much better. I believe there are such things like that in your world, too, right? Like nicotine patches and whatnot. But the goal is to reduce the amount of whatever they have gradually, over a long period of time, so that in the end, they don't really miss it at all. The key to this is moderation, and extreme patience. If you are not patient, well, you might have an easier time trying to get a cow to eat a tiger. PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE. No, really.

* * *

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

One day, Light was very worried about L's sugar consumption, fearful that he would contract diabetes mellitus (as Mikami was correct to point out...the ONLY thing he was correct to point out, mind you). So he cut L off from his sugar supply all together.

L fell on the floor after about three minutes, screaming and raving and foaming at the mouth, while Light and all his children stared down at him.

After a few hours of this spasmodic attack, Watari ran into the room, glared at Light, and promptly forced L's mouth open and started stuffing pure sugar down his throat.

L was very comforted, and Light was extremely humiliated that his in-law should have to do such a thing.

Watari didn't mind. He was used to it.

**AN EVEN WORSE EXAMPLE DX**

It was a dark and stormy night in the headquarters. L was off canoodling somewhere, Watari was nowhere to be seen, and Light was suspiciously free from all his followers, ex-spouses, spouses, and children. He sighed, extremely bored, because there was nothing to do. He was just contemplating sleep when he heard the telltale crinkle of a chip bag.

He looked into the darkness, but could not see anything. "Consomme?" he whispered. "Is that you?"

The crinkle again, as though it was an affirmative. Light strained his eyes to see, and all of a sudden, he was hit with a faceful of gloriously shiny plastic wrap.

"Oh.." he breathed reverently. "My dearest Consomme, I knew you would not desert me in my time of need."

There was no time to waste. Light gently opened the chip bag, set it on the floor, and hovered over it.

He unzipped his pants.

He stroked the plastic wrap lovingly.

And then he struck.

By struck, I think we all know what I mean. No, he did not hit the chip bag, because that would have been domestic violence, and I, unlike Mikami, do not condone that.

Anyway.

At some point, L walked in from his canoodling, and came upon a hideous scene: Light, with his pants pulled down, shoving himself violently into an innocent bag of chips. Light, sensing L's presence, froze, and turned a little.

L: "..."  
Light: "..."  
L: "..."

And Light slept on the couch for weeks, without even his beloved chips to comfort him.

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

As we all know, Mello is severely addicted to chocolate. But I'm proud to say I'm doing something to help. Every day, I reduce his chocolate intake by one gram (I even have a massing scale, and everything). Then again, he did start at an inhuman number of grams...but it's the thought that counts. Right?

**THE PERFECT EXAMPLE :D**

I'm not saying that you should do this, because you should never do what Mikami does, but this is actually a foolproof way to stop addiction.

The thing is, Mikami would go around in the red light district in his shiny little Volvo, or whatever prosecutor-ish car he drives, and he would pick up hookers. These said hookers would probably be addicted to LSD or crack or something, and so he would keep them in his torture chamber (the BDSM chamber, if you will recall) until they were cured of it.

By cured, I mean he force fed them buttercream until their livers exploded and they died.

...

I'm not saying you should force feed anyone buttercream. That's a horrible way to die.

A horrible way.

I will leave you with that thought. Now, please go to Skyskater's profile page and take the poll at the top. Thank you.

Come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice! (And absolutely NO force feeding anyone buttercream! Thank you.)


	48. Out to Eat

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Lesson 48 **

**"Taking the family out to dinner. Oh. God."**

_(A/N: I hate how the share on Facebook/Twitter/whatever social media site is disrupting my centering. WHY. WHYYYYY.)_

* * *

I think we've all been members of this conundrum where we open our fridges, and even though they're filled with food, we turn around and complain to the nearest person, shouting loudly, "THERE'S NOTHING TO EAT!" And I know you've done it, because God only knows I have.

And so we resort to the next best thing. Eating out.

And dear God, if you thought of something other than eating at a fine establishment with nicely polished silverware, there is something wrong with your mind, I believe I'll be recommending you to Mikami at some point in the very near future. Very near.

By very near, I mean now.

But dining out, especially with children, is a very interesting affair. Let me just say, never take young children to one of those Japanese restaurants where they cook the food right in front of you. Burnt fingers are never a good thing, and rubbing butter on them does not actually work.

...

To be fair, Mello didn't tell me that until after I had wasted an entire tub of perfectly good butter. God damn it.

I WASTED BUTTER. I can't live with myself.

Whatever. I'm going to go kill hookers in GTA4.

* * *

Right. So dining with the family is always an interesting experience. Someone always spills a drink, starts screaming at the table, starts beat boxing randomly, or eats everything with only a Swiss Army knife. All things which I have unfortunately had happen to me. All in the same experience. Some of the other things I've seen in a dining experience are too explicit to mention in this piece. I know this guide is rated M, but these other said 'things' are like...N. Or Z. As in, way too explicit for this site.

At any rate. Your main priority while eating dinner with your family is to get everyone out of there alive. Yes, that does include the waitress and/or the maitre 'd. As a general rule of thumb, it is not okay to kill your waitress after she is done serving you. I tried to tell Mello that Takada was a worthy waitress, but he did not listen. Alas, I am not one many people listen to. :(

No. It is not okay to dine and dash. Or chew and screw, for that matter. Also, it's not in good taste to order a bottle of wine and drink it all by yourself. Especially if you have kids. It's also not in good taste to just take out a cigarette and smoke, or the people in the next booth over will glare violently at you. Especially if the people in the next booth over are very pregnant lesbians.

And trust me, you don't want to whip out your credit card, act like you're going to give it to the waitress, and then use it to grind up some pills and then snort it right off the table. That's not socially acceptable, apparently. Okay, in my defense, I did not know, and that cocaine was really good. Not that I endorse you using it. I only tried it once, and Mello screamed at me for doing it, so...well, guess I'm not on cocaine anymore.

And I guess it's apparently not good to pull out a gaming console and play games at the table while your little child waves his steak knife around and his mother coos over "how cute he is, and how he's been trained so well." You never know when someone's eye or nose could get torn off or out. I mean, really, how do you think Voldemort's nose got ripped off? No, it was not some mad sex accident with Bellatrix or Lucius. As a child, Harry was taken out by Voldemort to dinner many times, because Voldemort was really a very lonely guy who just wanted to have a wife, kids, and a nice cottage with a trimmed lawn, a border collie, and a white picket fence with a cheery little mailbox saying "the Voldemorts" on it. Or something. Well, good old Voldy wasn't paying attention one time at the Leaky Cauldron, and Harry just was waving a steak knife around, and suddenly, BAM!

Blood everywhere. Apparently Tom, the bartender, fainted, and Voldemort made his hasty escape after scarring Harry for life.

Yeah.

Anyway, don't do those things mentioned above while out at a meal with your family, and you should do just fine.

* * *

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

We all know Mikami's disposed of multiple spouses, but I think this particular disposal takes the cake.

Mikami, Saku Jo, and girlfriend #42 were eating peacefully at a restaurant. Mikami ordered a chicken marsala with mushroom and onion vinaigrette, and girlfriend #42 was upset because she was deathly allergic to mushrooms and "what if I wanted to kiss you later?"

Mikami gave her a weird look. Saku Jo gave her a weird look.

When she kept whining about it, Mikami took out his Death Note and calmly penned her name into it. 5 minutes later, she was dead.

Mikami took Saku Jo by the hand, and calmly left, without paying the bill.

What a cheap skate.

**AN EVEN WORSE EXAMPLE DX**

Let's just say Light and L going out to dinner with their family is always an interesting and horrific experience. To name one instance:

L: "Okay, so everyone order."  
Z: "Mama, I want the -"  
L: "Z, that's way too expensive. Why don't you order the coleslaw instead."  
Z: "But I'm allergic to -"  
L: "Well, no one's asking you to eat it! My God..."

And another instance:

Light: "Yes, M, I know you like sweets, but you HAVE to eat your carrots, darling."  
M: "I don't want to eat my carrots!"  
Light: "You HAVE to eat your carrots."  
M: "No!"  
Light: "I SWEAR TO GOD, M, IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR CARROTS, I'M GOING TO SELL YOU INTO PROSTITUTION."

At this point, Light, L, and their entire brood was ushered out of the restaurant by a very angry waitress, who was, in fact, a prostitute.

**A GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

Fortunately, L and Light actually do seem to do well when only taking one or two children out for a meal. What they do with the others, I don't know. Stuff them in a closet under the stairs?

**THE PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D**

Halle and Giovanni and A-Light are pretty much the perfect family. No messes at the dinner table, Giovanni always pays for the meals like a perfect gentleman, A-Light doesn't scream violently when presented with radishes, and Halle doesn't have pyromania or a tendency to stab everything in sight. That's just what we'd need, really.

Right. Well, as it happens, I am going out right now, so I shall see you next time with more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	49. Child Services

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Chapter 49.**

**"Child Services Are Unnecessary, and Irrelevant. Just like this comma. "**

_(A/N: Vote on my poll in my profile, please. On another note, this story will probably be coming to an end soon...or not, I really don't know.)_

* * *

Child and family services is a government and/or non-profit organisation designed to better the well being of individuals who come from unfortunate situations, environmental or biological. People who seek or are sought after to participate in these services, usually do not have stable homes and no other resource to turn to. Children might come from abusive or neglectful homes, or live in very poor and dangerous communities. -Wikipedia

I would just like to make it clear that the person who edited this page is clearly not from child and/or family services, and is clearly uneducated. First of all, there is an unnecessary comma after services, a punctuation mark which ruins the flow of the sentence. Therefore, they are uneducated. And probably British, because of the way they spelled "organization." I really do like British accents, don't get me wrong, but I find the spelling very odd sometimes. Like...like colour. And flavour. The 'u' isn't really pronounced, so it's rather superfluous. Right? Right. Thank you for agreeing.

On another note, I don't like my MacBook's right click trackpad feature. It's hard to right click, and when I'm playing CoD, it makes it hard to scope. Ridiculously hard to scope. And so I just spray 'n pray, you know, since I'm terrible at sniping and stuff.

Anyway.

Child services came knocking at my door the other day, because I guess the neighbors heard Mello II (the tiger) roaring violently, and then, after a very short period of time had elapsed, Mattello sobbing hysterically.

Okay. Whatever thoughts you have going through your mind that "OH MY GOD, MELLO II ATE MATTELLO'S FINGER" or something, no, that is not true. I was watching Mattello and definitely not playing Call of Duty at the time this incident transpired. Rather, Mello had just been feeding Mello II some raw deer meat that he had killed on the road (must have been a rather small deer, if you think about it; to get hit by a motorcycle, die, and then be brought home), and Mattello was traumatized by the fact that the meat was raw. I would have been traumatized too. I mean, at least make it rare, or medium, or something...

But child services came the other day and told us we couldn't keep Mello II, or if we did, we had to hand over Mattello. So we killed them.

And that was that.

Well, we didn't kill them, per se. We had Light kill them, because we told him that he should expect a call from child services, too. I mean, yeah, he and L really do warrant one, what with their household running rampant with children and potential hazards, etc etc.

On another note, I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows P.2 quite recently, and let me just say, if Malfoy and Ron really look like that when they're 40, heaven help all of us. And as for Malfoy's son, what kind of name is Scorpius? Also, I think they just shopped in Malfoy from his first year. Looks exactly like him.

* * *

Child services is just a fancy name for the department in the government that tries to find disadvantaged people way out in trailer parks and in the desert and whatnot and tries to make them into a success story so they can hang them up on the dining room wall and go home to their nice cozy homes and feel good about themselves. I mean, really, child services needs to be a lot more efficient about these kinds of things.

But no, tragically the government does not work that way. They steal my hard earned money and then complain about how I raise my family.

I'm getting to sound like a crotchety old man, aren't I?

I'm not old. And I'm not crotchety. But I am a man. A very manly man. Who does very manly things.

It's my opinion that child services should only be called in if there is actually something very seriously wrong, and it is also my opinion that child services needs to be more aware of the way some of these kids are treated.

Or just more aware in general. For the most part, child services is a department of the government running around madly like a chicken with its head cut off, picking all the wrong children and not seeing the right ones, or something like that. Although there are definitely some cases that I know of that could use an intervention via Protective Services.

* * *

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

Did you know that Saku Jo had a twin? Well, she did, and if the twin had been here, I'm sure it would have been a very lovely person, and it's name would have been "Delete" or "Eliminate" or "Sir Mikami the Second." If it was a boy, for the last one. Eh. Maybe not.

Okay. At any rate, the thing that happened is that Mikami and some unknown pregnant spouse/lover were fighting about what to name the children, because, see, she didn't want her children to be named Saku Jo or anything like that.

Anywho, she proceeded to give birth right there (fantastic way to win an argument, I'm not even kidding), Mikami freaked out, and somehow misdialed the number for Child Protective Services, which, here, is 811, in his attempt to call 911.

Blah. Who am I kidding? Mikami, call 911? That's like saying Light is a virgin. And completely straight.

The CPS came, headed by Near, and extracted the children very quickly and carefully, and settled the argument between the two. And unknown spouse disappeared into the background of Mikami's life, but he was very pleased that he could name his own daughter Saku Jo.

Very pleased.

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

Another unknown spouse of Mikami's, who has been mentioned before, was horrified that Mikami would throw his daughter against the wall, not knowing that that portion of wall had been specifically padded for Saku Jo's body, and so called the CPS. The CPS dragged her away after examining the wall, claiming that she was crazy and insane, and not a certifiable parent.

The point is NOT that calling the authorities can sometimes backfire on you.

The point is that sometimes it is good to call authorities when you suspect something fishy is going on. Or when you need a way to end a relationship...

**PERFECT EXAMPLE :D**

In my defense, child services has never come to my door again. And we still have Mattello and Mello II.

So, I think I win.

Yes? Yes.

Very good then.

I shall see you next time with more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	50. Abortion and Adoption

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Chapter 50**

**"The Big As: Abortion Or Adoption, Since 'And' Doesn't Really Work Here."**

_(A/N: Is at home babysitting the little brother, who is clearly not sick, given how much he's talking...)_

* * *

In retrospect, I probably should have written this chapter earlier, but the time line of this story is so messed up anyway it would be hard for you to notice. In fact, I could probably write a pregnancy chapter in the next chapter, and you wouldn't know any better, because obviously I'd just hop in my DeLorean and take you back to the future...(or the past, rather), by going 88 miles an hour down a residential, possibly suburban, street. With children for the extra adrenaline factor. Unless the prospect of hitting people with DeLoreans isn't exciting to you, in which case you can just ignore this paragraph all together.

At any rate, let's get on to the point of this chapter.

And if you haven't seen the Back to the Future movies, you are missing out on not only an amazing car (which in real life isn't actually that amazing, how could any car compare to my Camaro, really), but also an epic plot line that takes you everywhere from somewhere in the Midwest to the future. I mean, THE FUTURE. That would be wicked cool. Like that part in Harry Potter where Hermione punches Draco in the face.

Actually, that was completely unrelated. But whatever. You get what I mean.

* * *

Abortion is a very sensitive topic with quite a large group of people. Especially if those people's names just so conveniently happen to start with M and/or L. And/or? More like 'or.' At any rate, that basically sums up the whole cast (Near isn't that important, trust me; he's just in the series to be the whiny little bitch), and you or someone you know may be heavily opposed to or supportive of abortion, and that's fine, whichever side you pick. What's not fine is when you try to convince other people of your view.

Have you heard that one quip about religion and penises? Something like, "Religion is like a penis. It's fine to have one, but it's not okay to whip it out and shove it down people's throats." OHHH SURPRISE BLOW JOB IS SURPRISING. At any rate, the topic of abortion is kind of like that, too.

It's fine to have your own views about abortion and whatnot, but please don't go around like Jehovah's witnesses, trying to convince other people that you're right.

And I'm assuming you do know what abortion is. If you don't, google it. Google knows everything.

* * *

Adoption is also a very sensitive topic with quite a large group of people, except not as big a fan base as the one abortion currently carries. (Would you call it a fan base? I'm not really sure what the proper term is.) And I don't think adoption is as heavily debated as abortion is, unless it's from some kind of medical standpoint where you need to know every DNA base your biological parents had because you might be suffering from some extremely rare genetic disease affecting three nitrogenous bases. Or something like that.

At any rate, adoption is another alternative to abortion. Well, not an alternative, but something you can consider if you don't want to have an abortion but also don't want to keep the baby for whatever reasons you may have (financial, terrifying parents, etc.). In my personal opinion, if you don't have the resources to let the baby have a good life, then maybe you should wait to have a baby, or give it up for adoption to a family that can provide it with a good life. Since we're all entitled to good lives, right? And since abortions are a pretty penny, too.

Or maybe I'm just ridiculously cheap. $300 might not be that much to you, but that's like...at least 5 high quality video games.

* * *

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

If any couple was better suited to have multiple abortions, it would be Light and L. First of all, there are many arguments that could be made about the quality of life that they provide for their children. Um...child in the washing machine taking a bath? Child in the dryer, drying off? Yeah no. Can anybody tell me why those are both very bad ideas for raising children?

Do I see a hand?

If you answered that it's dangerous and life threatening for the children in question, you have answered right. Fifty points to Gryffindor (or whichever house of your choosing you so desire).

And it doesn't even make sense, being that neither of them are even remotely Catholic. In all honesty, I don't think Light's ever even seen a Bible, and L probably avoids churches like the bubonic plague.

**AN EVEN WORSE EXAMPLE DX**

When you give your child up for adoption, you give that child up for good. Yes, you can meet up with them at a later date if they so desire, but you can't just steal them back once you decide you want them back again.

Cue Mikami here.

Do I need to explain? It's just such a Mikami-esque thing to do.

The man is shameless.

And the saga of Saku Jo continues.

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

Thankfully, Giovanni and Halle knew when not to have sex, as Giovanni pops in and out of jail like...like a hardened thug, which clearly he is not. But I mean, when you work for Near and are ordered to shoot priests on daily basises...bases? then I mean, you're kind of putting yourself at risk of felony there. And murder. Furthermore, Halle and Giovanni have provided A-Light with a lovely home to grow up in. Thank God.

**THE PERFECT EXAMPLE :D**

See, Mello's Catholic, so we can't have abortions or some other religious thing like that. We also can't use condoms. And we only have one child, which is kind of a miracle, all considering.

I pride myself on being so in tune with the moon and the tides.

Anyway, come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice!


	51. Getting a Divorce

**Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage**

**Chapter 51**

**"The Failed Divorce...Not Really A Lesson."**

_(A/N: more suggestions please and thank you)_

* * *

So you're getting pretty tired of all the petty arguments, the unwashed dishes, the toothpaste clogging up your bathroom sink? Tired of seeing your kids taking baths in the washing machine, tired of your severely overweight daughter eating you out of house and home? Then this is the chapter for you.

Naturally, like the dedicated writer I am, I have taken the time to research the lives of two very unfortunate people in the Death Note cast by the names of Light and L who were once so miserable that they attempted to end it all. And failed epically. If that's even a word.

You should be grateful I took the time to research this. If I hadn't, you'd all be floundering nymphs in the sea of life, and I could have been owning n00bs on CoD. Because there are n00bs to be owned.

* * *

So if you really can't take the stress of family life anymore, and you just figuratively want to end it all without a handy dandy suicide note, then the next logical step is to get a divorce! Of course, if your partner doesn't want to get a divorce, there are many, many ways to drag it out.

For instance: leaving the country and becoming a temporary nomad so that the divorce attorneys can't catch up with you. Changing your name and getting plastic surgery so that they no longer know what you look like.

I once knew a woman by the name of Takada who successfully evaded divorce for four years. Of course, in her next marriage to Light Yagami, the poor unfortunate girl never had a chance. Promptly after the ceremony was conducted, her name was written directly into the Death Note in permanent ink, and, well, that was the end of that. Because Light needed to collect life insurance and all that.

Now, if you're the person in question who wants the divorce, you have to be prepared for these kinds of things, because it's not like you can just instantly kill your partner. You have to make sure you have a good lawyer, quite a lot of cash, and a fair amount of time on your hands, because let me tell you, attorneys are not cheap. They think they're God, and so charge exorbitant prices. [Do you know a lawyer like this? I do. His initials are M.T.]

You also have to consider how this decision will affect your children or your household or anything like that. Your children could go into severe states of shock and/or emotional trauma. Your dishwasher could suffer from the loss of being loaded every night, because your partner normally did those kinds of things. And heaven forbid you fight over the family pet, because honestly, you don't want any internal decapitations because you tried to keep it at your house, but your partner wanted it, etc. etc. Does this even make any sense? Point is, you should consider the effects of your decision before you make it, or you might be severely surprised.

You should try to talk it over with your partner before you make this attempt to get divorced or not get divorced or whatnot. Because, I mean, it's definitely not worth it to get divorced over a simple game of CoD that got a little bit out of control, you know what I'm saying? Kill steals and all that are not a legitimate reason to get divorced.

I think in America you actually have to have some kind of reason, like adultery or abandonment or something. I don't know. If it can be judged against, there's a law in America for it. I'm not even kidding.

At any rate, getting a divorce is a very life-changing and important decision that could ruin or glorify your life, so I urge you to think about it carefully before you actually do it. And make sure you're in a good financial position, because otherwise your lawyer will end you. Literally and figuratively.

* * *

**BAD EXAMPLE :(**

So, as this chapter started out, L and Light wanted to get a divorce. They squabbled all the time about who would give M her bath (because, I mean, really, you can't be paid enough to wash under fat rolls, heaven knows what kind of fungi are growing there), and so in the end, they ended up dumping her into the washing machine and putting it onto the spin cycle with several cupfuls of laundry detergent. The washer broke, L started crying, and Light couldn't handle it anymore.

And so they attempted to get a divorce.

Except they didn't have enough money, what with trying to feed all their children and whatnot. So...it never happened, and they made up.

So I guess it's kind of a good example? But a bad example of trying to get a divorce and failing.

**AN EVEN WORSE EXAMPLE DX**

Mikami is definitely the man to go to if you want to get a divorce.

Of course, divorce being the legal term.

If you need a divorce, just give the name of your partner to Mikami, and he'll write it into his handy dandy black notebook. And get this. He doesn't CHARGE anything. It's FREE.

Now I think the police are onto something with Mikami's recent string of divorce cases...

**GOOD EXAMPLE :)**

If Takada had still been alive, I'm sure Light would have gone through all the necessary procedures to ensure that she got a proper divorce, Takada being a proper lady and all...

Or are you really proper after you've been taken for a ride in the back of a van tied up?

Who knows.

It's something to ponder.

**THE PERFECT EXAMPLE :D**

Halle and Giovanni had a nice quiet little divorce in the tiny courthouse off Fifth.

It was very nice and civil.

But get this.

Two weeks later, they got married again.

My God, you'd think they were made of money...

At any rate, hope to see you soon!


End file.
